Let the Beatdown Commence!
Hello, fellow metal nerds! Let me start by saying that it’s an honor to be able to write for you all and follow in the footsteps of the folks that have led me down the godforsaken path of heavy music. It’s gratifying in a very sad way.
My metal career started with Korn, Slipknot, Bring Me the Horizon, and a bunch of other bands that you liked if you were a pubescent boy in the late 2000’s. I soon realized that those groups make me want to punch things and cry instead of just punch things, so I embarked on a quest for the heaviest nonsense the world has to offer. After a few years, my journey led me to beatdown hardcore/moshcore/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit-core. I discovered people that are not talented in the classical sense, but whose brains operated in the most neanderthalic fashions possible, allowing them to write riffs directly from the most primal and brutish parts of their souls. Allow me to take you all on a tour of the Entry Level section of my own personal Mosh Museum.
Embraced by Hatred – Immortality
While these German bros are far from the best mosh troop around, they are a pretty damn good archetype. Vocalist that looks like a math teacher? Check. Pre-breakdown guitar spin? Check. Gang shouts? Check. Standard tuning for every hardcore guitarist ever? Check. Don’t get me wrong, this song makes me want to do arm windmills at my desk, but I can’t help but giggle at lyrics like “IMMORTALITY/NO ONE CAN STOP ME/IMMORTALITY/STRONGER THAN YOU”.
Sand – Too Late
Japanese people seem to have mastered the art of ignorant music, and I attribute that to their understanding of the br00tal snare. Just listen to that clank! This entire song sounds like rip off of Filth by Hatebreed, but marketed to those little cretins in that movie Kids instead of gym rats. There is truly nothing special about this song, so can someone explain to me why it goes so hard?
Unit 731 – A Plague Upon Humanity
For a reason that is completely foreign to me, Unit 731 seems to fairly unknown. I am yet to find a band that is heavier in the beatdown scene. Everything about them is perfect, from their abrasive vocals, to their production, to their album covers that look like they were painted by an eighth grader with ADD in remedial art class. This song has three breakdowns in a row, and each one makes me involuntarily slam my head into my headboard. If you don’t agree, then you can get the fuck out of here.
Vow of Hatred – P.N.D.
These riffs are bordering on slams, and that’s what makes this band so much fun. Unfortunately, their production sucks and their guitar tone is über weak, so you have to seek it out. But seek and ye shall mosh. Somehow, VoH manage to sound and dress like Euro wigger bros, but are from Pittsburg. Americans dressing like Euros trying to dress like white Americans that are trying to be thugs, playing Euro-style beatdown. That’s some next level shit.
Agitator – Contempt
Until I saw this video, I thought this was a bunch of “working class hardcore” kids trying to be tough AND straight edge. Fortunately, they are a bunch of spazzoids that like to dick around as much as I do. There is something very juvenile about this band, and I love it. They seem aware of how ridiculous SxE is so they embrace it and get silly. These tunes bring out my inner angsty skater teen. (Editor’s note: Dat XFL jersey!!)
What do you guys think of this ignorance? What bands make you want to punch the paint off of a wall? Fill me in. Just don’t bill me for the damage you did while moshing.