Shirt Stains: No Es Bueno

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What’s Spanish for “These shirts are hilariously terrible”?

Despite what a sadly large portion of the United States may think, Spain and Mexico are two separate countries. Sure, there’s a shared love of futbol and heavy metal, but they’re still different. For one, I won’t get my face stitched to a soccer ball if I make fun of Spain. Of course, there’s a Spanish town named Castrillo Matajudios, so I don’t know how welcome I would be there, either. As ignorant Americans, let’s just fire up our SUVs, enjoy our family-size bag of Spicy Nacho Doritos, crack open some bubble-gum flavored soda endorsed by a professional wrestler, and make fun of some terrible Spanish band shirts. Perhaps this will cheer up the youth of Spain with their massive unemployment problems.

A lot of these bands are new to me and I would bet to you as well. Who knows, maybe you’ll discover something you like.

 

Mägo De Oz – Red, Purple, and What the Hell All Over

MagodeOzshirtstains

Mägo de Oz is a Spanish folk metal band that is really heavy into the fiddly diddlies. Flutes, stringed instruments, and awkward dancing are all part of the act. Their video for “La Rosa De Los Vientos” may be my new favorite thing. With music and imagery like this, some cheesiness is to be expected. I knew it was going to be bad, I just didn’t know it was going to be this bad.

What is happening in this shirt? Actually, a better question would be “what isn’t in this shirt?” It’s like a bunch of mythological creatures got together for an all-night sex cauldron. You know all about sex cauldrons right? A little bit of spell-casting, some nightshade drinking, and before you know it, you’ve got a succubus sitting on your face, a 1,000-year old witch grinding against your knee, and a Pazuzu jacking it in the corner. Happens all the time.

A quick glance of this shirt (seriously, only a glance is recommended) and we have a sexy witch, a crusty crone witch, a baby devil, a skull, a pumpkin, a spider, a leprechaun, and a dapper owl. Why? Why not! It’s sex cauldron! Anything goes, baby! Especially if it’s purple, red, or fire font that’s really hard to read. Make sure to use protection when going to the sex cauldron. That includes wearing this shirt.

 

Dark Moor – From the Pages of Your 8th Grade Math Notebook Doodles

darkmoorshirtstains

Dark Moor is symphonic power metal band from Madrid. Definitely for the Nightwish crowd, especially when you look at this shirt. This is Metal Fantasy Babe 101: little clothes, plenty of cleavage, and magic powers. She totally wants to talk to you about your level 40 mage and would love to see your bug collection. Nothing gets her hotter than a 32-year old coder than spent his last paycheck on a gaming chair and VIP meet-and-greet tickets for the local comic con.

While the imagery is certainly wish fulfillment, it’s also kind of incomplete. It’s like Dark Moor was going for romance novel cover, but ran out of money to pay the artist and just had to use whatever he had done. Is she standing on a mountain or just clouds? Is it night or day? How much does she regret those tattoos? These are things that will keep you up at night.

 

Diabulus in Musica – Why Do Yvo Type Like This?

diabvlvsinmvsicashirtstains

Yes, it’s another symphonic metal band, but I’ve actually heard of them before. Despite what the shirt says, the band is actually Diabulus in Music and they’re on Napalm Records (and previously on Metal Blade). For a band so epic and dramatic, they sure went in the opposite direction for this shirt.

I guess I should be thankfully they didn’t take a page from the Mago de Oz playbook of “fuck it, put everything on it, use lots of purple and red, and call it a day”. Instead, Diabulus went with the soothing colors of various bowel movements. We’ve got “too much Bdubs, bro” to “why did I think sushi from a gas station was a good idea?” to “following microwave directions is for pussies”. This shirt has a case of the Mondays real bad.

The sad tree and crows deal is more appropriate for doom or depressive black metal, not operatic overtures about hope and junk. It doesn’t fit with the band and it just doesn’t look good. Oh, and there’s no wandering to be found. Damn it, Diabulus, you could’ve had a sex cauldron too.

Angeles del Infierno – Call 1-800-666-Butt for Sexy Devil Chat Now!

ANGELES DEL INFIERNOshirtstains

Angeles del Infierno is a heavy metal band that would fit in well with the likes of The Scorpions and Kiss. They were actually on Warner Bros. Records. Twice. Good for them. It’s a shame they couldn’t get a shirt design from anywhere other than Deviantart.

I know it’s every boy’s dream to meet a big-tittied devil-woman, but a t-shirt isn’t the right place. You need to find one on your own, like at the grocer or maybe at a Church of Satan bake sale and silent auction. You know, someone you can settle down with, raise some demigods. Not this one, who sits on skulls and wears shoes only found at Hot Topics from 2001. Also, this one covers up her hoo-ha with a guitar and has man hands.

The swirling pentagram symbols really hammer home the devil imagery. I mean, I couldn’t make the connection before. It’s a good thing they put those all over the shirt but not on the sleeves. Wouldn’t want to look stupid or anything.

Zarpa – Por Que?!?

zarpashirtstains

Zarpa is a heavy metal band hailing from Mislata, Valencia. Fans of Accept would probably dig them. Fans of hideous shirts would also enjoy them.

I put this shirt into Google Translate and all I got was the shrugging emoticon. I put this shirt into Bing and Bill Gates personally called me to say thanks for using Bing. I put this shirt into Yahoo and my computer just started laughing at me. I wanted to Ask Jeeves why this shirt has no color, but all I got was his suicide note.

That jester warrior (Really? Okay whatever) is totally psyched. Just look at his face. That’s not just a smile, that’s an “oh fuck yeah!” smile. Maybe his horde of merry jester warriors are headed towards Great Adventure or Dorney Park. After a long day of pillaging and plundering, a fun ride on the Log Flume is just what the doctor ordered. Perhaps they’re going to be BDubs.

Either that or he just remembered a joke from Big Bang Theory and can’t tell anyone because he doesn’t want to admit that he watches the show. Maybe he can just whisper it to his little pet skull he’s carrying. I wonder if he named the skull. Looks like a “Chester” to me. I’ll bet they do an awesome ventriloquist act. “Chester and the Jester” starting this fall on NBC.

So there was a little international taste via Shirt Stains. Not the best way to introduce people to bands, but there you have it. Maybe some of our Spanish readers can explain some of the finer points of giggling skull jesters, devil babes, and, uh, trees. Oh and don’t forget about the sex cauldrons. We’ll need names, addresses, and lots of pictures.

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