Shirt Stains: The Great Southern Facepalm

July 10, 2015

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If you’ve read or seen the news within the past month or have not been sitting in a cave with your fingers in your ears while singing loudly, you probably know about the push to remove the Confederate flag from many places including government offices and on products. When you lose Wal-Mart, you lose the public, so to speak. There have been calls for the flag’s removal before, but now that businesses have voiced their opinions, politicians have listened. Democracy at work!

This current push to remove the Confederate flag from many places was brought about by the racist and most-definitely-terrorism murder of 9 black people in a church by a hate-filled white goober with a bowl-cut. Said goober proudly displayed the Confederate flag and much of the public, to the delight of the NRA and other pro-gun advocates, have put their efforts into getting rid of it. Many see the flag as a symbol of racism and the Southern states’ ill-fated attempt to leave the United States in order to preserve said racism.

Others see it as a part of their Southern heritage and proudly display it whenever possible. If you’re feeling a little salty or just want to meet peoples’ love of history with a little history of your own, may I suggest a Sherman’s Southern Tour t-shirt. Wouldn’t a can of skoal and and a Git-R-Done beer coozie represent Southern heritage just as well? I kid, of course. Not all Northerners are pushy and rude. Not all West Coasters are soulless airheads. Not all Mid-Westerners are bland mayonnaise-eaters. Not all Southerners are dumb, rednecks that keep Jeff Foxworthy in business. Some may believe that there is still a debate to be had about the flag (there’s not, get that shit out of here), but there’s one thing that’s not up for debate: how terrible these shirts are.

Pantera – Southern Revolution Is My Name

Are you hiking the Appalachian trail and you want to “getcha’ pull”? Well, then you’re in luck because Pantera want you to show your Southern Pride while having a place to store your trail mix and bear mace. If we’re being honest, this backpack will probably just be used by high-school dropouts to carry an extra pair of pants when their done jizz-mopping the stroke booths at the Jiggle Shack. Either that or holding their various stashes of pot, pills, uppers, downers, lefties, righties and other slang terms that may or may not actually mean anything.

Why does Pantera have a backpack? No idea, but of course it has the Confederate flag on it. After all, Dimebag Darrell played a guitar with the flag emblazoned on it. Former Pantera vocalist Phil Anselmo recently said-mumbled:

“Right now in my life as a grown up man and a soon to be 47 year old in 5 days… that any type of propagating hate toward any race or any group of people is not my bag at all. You know I didn’t invent the fucking flag. I was born in 1968. So I do see a lot of sides to this. I see where people can say, you know, when does it end? You know when is it good enough? When are we as a people ever going to be politically correct? The answer to that is really never. Because the world is made up of people with a lot of different ideas… telling us how to live and what we should do or shouldn’t do, you know? Or think or not think, you know.. that’s pretty extreme… it’s like you’re never going to make everybody happy.”

Oooookay. He still likes the flag. I think. Of course, all of that doesn’t explain why there are skulls on the flag. Is it a historical take on the South’s failed rebellion? Is it a warning to future generations to keep the Union together? Is it a subtle commentary that the ghosts of the past will haunt those who do not learn from the past? Nah. It’s Pantera. They just like skulls.

Avenged Sevenfold – M. Shadows Shall Rise Again

Welcome to Bat Country. Population: Yeeeeee-haw! For those that don’t know, Avenged Sevenfold are from Orange County, California. A quick look at a map would tell you that Orange County, California is not in the South and not part of the Confederacy during the Civil War. Orange County may as well be on another planet if this show is any indication of what goes on there. The area is pretty conservative and overwhelmingly white, so maybe that’s the connection. Why else would Avenged Sevenfold make a flag with both the U.S. and Confederate flag on it?

Oh, that’s right. To get chucklefucks in rusty pickups decked out with truck nutz to buy it. You might as well make some money off the ignorant while you can. The flag is actively laughing at us. “You spent your money on this shit? AHAHAHAHAHA M SHADOWS!” I’ll bet this flag comes pre-soaked in Natty Ice.

Impressively, the Confederate flag is one of the least offensive things on this flag. This skull/sheriff/crime against nature looks so incredibly goofy that it should be given a primetime show on Comedy Central. The left hand is cartoonishly big and the right hand is tiny and makes this character look like it has muscular distrophy or it’s fanning itself. “Oh my! I do declare Mr. M Shadows. I believe your music has given me a case of the vapors!”

If you love Pantera’s usage of skulls then you’re going to take this Avenged Sevenfold flag out to the bushes for 2 ½ minutes. We’ve got a laughing sherriff skull thing and the stars on the U.S. and Confederate flags have all (poorly) been replaced by the A7X skull. Hell, even the star on his shirt has a skull on it. The band really missed out on naming themselves Avenged Skullenfold.

Hellyeah – Shitno

Hellyeah is one of metal’s favorite punching bags, which is surprising considering that there was a good amount of interest when rumblings of the “supergroup’s” formation began in the early 2000’s. This was when people cared about Mudvayne and Nothingface was still around. The band, originally named Cold White Christ, consisted of Chad Gray from Mudvayne and Tommy Sickles, Tom Maxwell, and Jerry Montano from Nothingface. So basically, Nothingface with a guy named Kud. What could have been an interesting side-project ended when Chad and Jerry saw Vinnie Paul of Pantera’s terrifying goatee. So scared were the two that they immediately relented to Paul’s wishes and decided to cast off the Cold White Christ idea for a dogshit Southern dick-metal band that just will not die.

Vinnie Paul’s voodoo-like control over the other band members have led us to this goofball shirt. Man, those guys from Pantera really, really, really, really love the Confederate flag. So much so that I’m surprised Hellyeah wasn’t renamed DixieYeah or TheWarOfNorthernAggressionYeah. So great is Vinnie Paul’s influence that his band, featuring members from the non-Confederate states of Illinois and Maryland, said “Sure, Vinnie. Let’s have a tattered Confederate flag on our shirt! Of course it can have flames on it! Want a giant skeleton bird on it? You’ve got it, VP! By the way, your goatee is looking extra handsome today. Can we play “Alcohaulin Ass” for an hour at the next show?”

Side note: I always wondered what kind of person listens to a song like that. I briefly lived in Iowa for work and part of my job had me going out to some pretty small towns. In one of these towns, where the entire county has 1 stoplight, I passed by a bar. Someone opened the door and this song came blasting out at me like a tobacco-soaked loogie to the ears. At that moment, I realized exactly who listens to this type of music.

Texas Hippie Coalition – Happy 1998!

Some people think Texas Hippie Coalition is a dollar store ripoff of Pantera (Jesus, again with the Pantera? I swear I’m not trying to make this all about them). I disagree. I think Texas Hippie Coalition are a dollar menu ripoff of Pantera. You just know this stuff is blasting out of frat houses all across Texas while bros are mixing up their jungle juice in the communal bath tub.

This shirt is everything bad about the 90’s compounded by the fact that it’s 20-fucking-15. The sexually suggestive cartoon girl with the pigtails? The Texas-shaped guitar covering her cartoon va-jay-jay? The terrible motorcycle. The barbed-wire with the stars? We’re a tribal tattoo and and a pair of Kikwear pants away from the Tattoo The Earth Tour.

Look, I know there isn’t really a confederate flag in there, but fuck it, we’re already here and this shirt does suck. Yes, the stars plus red, white, and blue can represent lots of things (U.S. flag, Texas state flag, Confederate flag, etc.). You’re absolutely right. It would be wrong to accuse Texas Hippie Coalition of using the Confederate flag. There is no proof that they support or even like the Confederate flag. I apolog… wait, nevermind.

Pantera – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA