The Road to the Pooper Bowl: Who are the worst fans in sports?

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W. is taking back D.C. this week so there is no Whiff of the Week today. If you would like to participate next week, the theme is “worst cover of a great song”. Email your submissions to toiletovhell@gmail.com. In the meantime, we’re back on The Road to the Pooper Bowl. It’s been a long time since we’ve revisited this column (mostly because they take forever to write and none of you read it). Without further ado, let’s get ready for some footbaw.

Last night we saw two great games in this battle for the divisional championship with New England coming from behind to beat out Baltimore 34-31 and Seattle unsurprisingly walloping Carolina 31-17. Today at noon CST we’ve got Dallas playing Green Bay at Lambeau and Indianapolis bringing it to Denver at 3:30 CST. These games determine who will move on to the conference championship, the winner of which will go on to play in the Super Bowl. This has been your vaguely educational NFL news. Let’s get on to the fun.

I grew up in a North Texas hellhole so I am naturally a Cowboys fan. “Fan” is likely the wrong word here. I loathe the organization: the players, Jerry Jones, everyone that Jerry Jones could possibly love, and especially other Cowboys fans. They’re all horrible people.

Today’s Dallas-Green Bay game is already being moronically referred to as “Ice Bowl 2”. This marks the first time these two teams have met in the post-season at Lambeau Field since that iconic game in 1967, so naturally we should try to move some merch. Dallas fans are so dumb they don’t realize that they LOST the original Ice Bowl in a last-second heart-breaker so the Cowboys are actually selling this shit on their website:

Why is there no 3XL option?

Honestly surprised there is no 3XL option.

I am a Cowboys fan. I should clarify: when I watch football, I’m mostly just watching to enjoy the competition and athleticism (also fantasy football and gambling, duh). If I have my choice of games to watch, I prefer to see a Texas team compete. I would generally prefer to see Dallas win but I’m not really sure why. This is the extent of my fandom. (Side Note: I love the Texas Rangers but the Dallas people that have suddenly appeared at the stadium after 10+ years of absence are the worst people on Earth).

There are terrible fans across every sport. Phillies fans once famously booed and threw snow balls at SANTA. The Red Sox have a rich history that their fans will not SHUT THE FUCK UP about. Packers fans moronically think they somehow own a piece of the team. Seahawks fans would rather be watching “soccer”. Everyone is terrible.

But the most hated fan is the dreaded Bandwagon Fan. The frontrunner. The “filthy casual” (to use the verbiage of you vidya nerds). The Bandwagoner only supports a team when they’re performing well late in the season. Every other time of the year they’re at brunch being horrible. The Los Angeles Lakers, New York Yankees, and (ugh) Dallas Cowboys are pretty much the golden trifecta for bandwagoners across sports. If you find yourself in the company of a person that claims to be a fan of all 3, set him or her on fire. No jury will convict you.

Follow me to BDubs!

Follow me to BDubs!

I respect the die-hard Browns fans. The Bills fans. The Raiders fans (though I’m not sure how they could read this from their cells). You know your team will always be terrible and you stick with it anyway. You give your time, money, and love to an organization that will always shit all over you. That is real commitment. It also sounds like you’re a victim in an abusive relationship.

We’re live blogging the games today. Get down here and chat it up. FOOTBAW.

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