Whiff o’ the Week (11/2/14)

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“‘I don’t demolish kingdoms and unleash wars,’ the Tiger said quietly. ‘I have seen the fall of Sumerian Kush and the long death of Uruk, the ruination of Assyria and the destruction of Babylon. I have seen great empires crumble and small states fade away. I have seen armies marching in an endless stream for three days and nights, seen cities plundered and prisoners killed. I have seen evil out of which grows good and good that is pitiless and brings death. But all of this is not I. And it is not even you, the Others, who imagine yourselves to be the shepherds of humankind. All of this is human beings. All of this is their love and hate, courage and cowardice. Are you, like Arina, concerned for the fate of your nation and your country? I have no answer for you. Just as I had no answer for Wen-yan. And no answer for Erasmus. In the end only people decide if they are going to live or die. I am an executioner. But I am not a judge. Great joy is as useful to me as great sorrow. But the joy and sorrow are chosen by people.'”

Let us choose sorrow. Let us embrace the totality of the human condition. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

Before we get started, I must crown last week’s victor with a rancid olive branch. Last week, Papa Joe and Ghostflusher won with their selection of Rings of Saturn, capturing 1/3 of all the votes cast. Here’s a trophy for you to split.

Let’s get to it, shall we?


W.

This week I’m flushing the new At the Gates album At War with Reality for utterly meeting my expectations. Remember a couple months ago when Century Media released that teaser to build hype for the new album? I said then that there’s no way this album would meet the comeback bar set by Gorguts. Well, I was right. This album isn’t offensive or even bad; it’s simply mediocre. For a band whose influence casts such a momentous shadow over the genre, At the Gates have written a remarkably generic record that could have been released by any other band in the melodic death metal scene over the last twenty years. Oh well. Better luck on your next comeback attempt.


Papa Joe

Jose Mangin is absurdly influential in the world of metal. He’s also an annoying butthole.


365 Days of Horror

S-A-W-F-T!


Randall Thor

@ 1:15: The Beatles are heavier than this riff. The Beach Boys are heavier than this riff. This band brags about how tough they are after eating a salad at Olive Garden.


Ghostflusher

Being topical.


Jack Bauer

This is sufficiently shitty.


Stockhausen

As Blood Runs Black have recently been accused of scamming their fans through underhanded crowdfunding procedures, and that deserves a nasty, filthy flush right away. I decided to try out a new song so I could more accurately make fun of them and their most-likely-stupid haircuts, and they gave me plenty to hate. The whole song reeks of bland, flushable, paint-by-numbers tuffguycore, but that guitar solo is hilariously pathetic. It’s like when you try to rip a huge fart to impress your bros, but it just sort of sputters out weakly and isn’t even funny. I don’t remember where it was in the song, and I don’t care to listen again; just go until you hear what sounds like a toddler drooling on his Cheerios.


Nordling Rites of Karhu

Everything ever by Von and its derivatives (Von Goat, Von Venien). Von is a prime example of being really unknown and only making one demo, then getting huge 20 later for no reason at all. Most. Boring. BM. Ever. FLUSH!!!


Xan

I’ve debated for a long time on what song might be the worst thing I’ve ever listened to. I’ve come to the conclusion that this has to be the lamest, foulest, pus-filled, prolapsed piece of ass that I’ve ever “listened” to.


Brock Samson

Dimmu Borgir is a band that has so much potential, but their catalog is filled with big stinky turds.  This one smells extra unpleasant. Enjoy, or not, I don’t care.


Jöhnny Crünch™

I used to like The Clash until I heard this song. That’s right, this song is so fucking lolbuttz that for me it infected every other song in their collection.


Leif Bearikson

I wish I had words to describe how much I hate this, but I only have actions, so I’m going to disembowel myself and replace my intestines with burning thermite because it is bound to feel better than listening to this song. SECONDARY FLUSH: If you’re ever in Austin, don’t be fooled by the name of Circle Brewing’s Tuxedo T-Shirt Black IPA. What a waste of an amazing name.


So riddle me this: Who’s whiff is the most rancid?

Who?

Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

(Photos VIA and VIA)

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