Whiff o’ the Week (12/7/14)

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“We’re always thinking of eternity as an idea that cannot be understood, something immense. But why must it be? What if, instead of all this, you suddenly find just a little room there, something like a village bath-house, grimy, and spiders in every corner, and that’s all eternity is. Sometimes, you know, I can’t help feeling that that’s what it is.”

 

Welcome to the house of webs and dust. This is Whiff o’ the Week.

Last time we convened, I asked you to determine the worst scream in metal history. Fortuitously for Howard Dean’s blood pressure, Tom Araya’s shriek in “Angel of Death” did not win. Instead, y’all cast your votes for Squibble Skwonk’s selection of Capture the Crown. Well done.

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Next week, we have a very special category. I want you to reach deep into the pile of refuse produced by all the terrible bands this year and select the worst whiff of 2014. Anything goes so long as the song is a) metal and b) was released in 2014. glhf

Now that the rules have been set, let’s get to it. Today’s competition: standard whiff entry. May the biggest turd win.


W.

I recently learned that Trapt are still a thing. My taste in metal in high school may have been bad, but at least I can say I never liked Trapt. Well, apparently the band thought their discography was strong enough to withstand a complete acoustic overhaul. You can now add “Headstrong as played by that guitar douche at the frat house” to things you wish you had never heard.


 

Papa Joe

People age. Talent fades. You’ll never see the world through the eyes of a child again. Skip to 1:32 for maximum War on Xmas.


 

Randall Thor

Luca Turilli’s Rhapsody‘s debut was a raging torrent of pleasure to my ears. At least, all except for “Luna”. Where in the world this track comes from, no one really knows. All I know is that if you remove it from your listening, your life will be better.


 

365 Days of Horror

This stupid chorus.


Deputy Dipshit

What comes to your mind when you hear the word whiff? I picture a fine, brown mist released amongst the unsuspecting population followed by the most putrid of scents clawing its way updrift and fingerholing nostrils as it forcefeeds itself into nasal caverns. Well, that’s what the following national anthem fail invokes in my mind every time I press play (and replay). Don’t let me tell you how it should be though; take a deep breath for yourself and savor the airtaste. I hope you laugh and cringe as much as I did (and hopefully sans shartcidents).


 

Simon Phoenix

As you citizens know, I loves me some thrash. It’s one of the few genres of metal where I can enjoy the most generic bands without much analysis. But there’s a difference between generic but enjoyable and just plain bad. Thrash or Die go way past the point of generic right into the realm of laughable. Evile seem to be top notch compared to these guys.

What I want you to focus on though is 1:24 of this video. With Dr. Fukk (Simon says lame) bellowing “JUST WHEN THEY THOUGHT THEY KNEW THE ANSWERS, I CHANGED THE QUESTION” in his “I’m totally like Zetro but not really” voice, it goes into this terrible wet fart of a groove. It’s like a pimp was driving in his shiny pink Cadillac, a voluptuous lady of the night clinging lovingly to his shoulder, and then out of nowhere a flock of birds fly by and go to town on the thing, leaving it and its passengers a mess of white goop and pink metal. Horrible to start with; looks even worse afterwards. And yes I know they are supposed to be funny and tongue in cheek, but many other bands do it far better. Way to ruin the title of a great fighting game series, fucktards.

Simon says stay away for your own health.


 

Gurp

Lolbuttz.


 

Jack Bauer

Here’s my whiff of the week.


Iron Lawnmower

Try hard punk band with a rapist singer.


Nordling Rites ov Karhu

You may recall that I did address this problem earlier in the comments. Calling all NYHC bands “not real”. I have a problem with these bands. They do not rule. Madball does not rule.


Brock Samson

This isn’t so much of a bad riff.  This is more like the worst song ever created.  Yes, even worse than Axl’s taste in music (gasp)!


Jöhnny Crünch

A while ago I was listening to Sister Sin and it got me thinking about women in metal and that I should expand my horizons and discover more women in rawk. I heard the covers ep from Halestorm and figured that if they covered the likes of Skid Row, Gunners, and Temple Of The Dog that they were worth a shot. By the time I got to this song I bailed. I don’t know what’s worse, the generic riffs or the schoolgirl lyrics that set women in rock back 20 years. Fuck this band.


 

Janitor Jim

This song is one of the worst Blue Oyster Cult songs ever. I’m ashamed that they put this song on an already terrible album. Fuck Club Ninja.


Now it’s your turn, loyal readers. Which of these whiffs made you upchuck your leftover Thanksgiving turkey?

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Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.

(Photo VIA)

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