{"id":13802,"date":"2014-11-21T10:00:48","date_gmt":"2014-11-21T15:00:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.toiletovhell.com\/?p=13802"},"modified":"2014-11-17T21:39:40","modified_gmt":"2014-11-18T02:39:40","slug":"all-i-want-for-christmas-is-trve-combating-christmas-music-no-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/all-i-want-for-christmas-is-trve-combating-christmas-music-no-2\/","title":{"rendered":"All I want for Christmas is TRVE: Combating Christmas music No. 2"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I’m real sick, guys.\u00a0Joe<\/strong> and\u00a0W.\u00a0<\/strong>are convinced that it’s because I ate that gourmet cheese ball like an apple in one sitting, but I know the truth: that they are dorks and it makes me physically ill to hear Christmas music before Thanksgiving or ever. It’s my body giving up on life. If only it were a smoother transition I would dive willing and headfirst into the Void, where nothing is, was, will be, or can be (most particularly the fucking travesty of sound that is “Jingle Bell Rock”). If anyone has been worrying about what sort of gift to get me this year, grant me the boon of a swift and painless death and by so doing liberate me from the agonizing pangs of seasonal music. Maybe you can all go in together on it.<\/p>\n

Shitty covers of the same five or six shitty traditional songs are being recorded at shittingly alarming rates, and dancing, singing snowman dolls are being mass-produced and purchased faster than I can infiltrate homes and destroy them. The sounds that vomit forth\u00a0from those blasted toys and pretty much anything else with speakers during this time of year are unacceptable and offensive, their aural insult unmatched. I’d rather sit on Topher Grace’s spandexed lap\u00a0and let him recite his\u00a0Spider-Man 3 lines directly into my ear canal. Luckily for us, where there is light, there must be shadow. Not in that ancient Chinese bullshit “yin<\/em> and\u00a0yang<\/em>”\u00a0way where two forces compliment one another, but in a different, totally\u00a0metal way where one of them crushes the other one into nothingness. Our crushing utensil? The hellhammer ov wintry Black Metal. May it fall upon the troublesome head of Christmas music with lethal force, as well as any dissenting\u00a0ghostly (com)posers\u00a0who may be presently haunting this toilet bowl.<\/p>\n

Darkthrone’s<\/b>\u00a0“unholy trinity” of early albums are well-known to be effective weapons for the slaying of joy, but when their blades are dulled by the repeated cutting of merry throats, where do you turn? That wasn’t rhetorical; I actually\u00a0want to know where you turn. Such is the purpose of\u00a0Combating Christmas music<\/strong>. I share wintry recommendations, you share wintry recommendations, we destroy Christmas.<\/p>\n

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I: MOONBLOOD — BLUT UND KRIEG<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"B&K\"<\/p>\n

A low, pale fullmoon spotlights the aftermath of a midnight battle, lending its glow\u00a0to the ice\u00a0and igniting luminous, red pools of blood. Flames that hours earlier beat high into the northern sky smolder and die with the last survivors, whose wounds give their lifeblood to the thirsty\u00a0snow. Repose sets in on a battlefield strewn\u00a0with corpses as stiff and cold as the bloodied steel around them, and snow covers the lifeless bodies<\/a>.<\/p>\n

If you were to take that scene, somehow translate it to music, then record it with a Motorola Razr, you’d get something that sounds similar to\u00a0Moonblood’s\u00a0<\/strong>Blut und Krieg<\/em>. Released in ’96 and buried under a mountain of rare rehearsal tapes that either no longer exist or exist in a smelly basement nerd’s smelly basement closet (though unfortunately not my own), its status as a black metal classic is oft\u00a0debated. While 1996 may be a little late to be considered a pioneering force, a majority of the songs were written and recorded first on those rehearsal demos in ’94 and ’95, and at its best, the\u00a0mid-paced, synth-driven ambiance is every bit as darkly moody and dramatic as Det som en gang var<\/em>.<\/p>\n

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Fullmoon, cold and merciless
\nTake my soul<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n