{"id":19025,"date":"2015-02-06T14:00:43","date_gmt":"2015-02-06T19:00:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.toiletovhell.com\/?p=19025"},"modified":"2017-05-08T23:39:56","modified_gmt":"2017-05-09T04:39:56","slug":"bdubs-bro-attends-a-satanic-ritual-our-666th-post","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/bdubs-bro-attends-a-satanic-ritual-our-666th-post\/","title":{"rendered":"BDubs Bro Attends a Satanic Ritual | Our 666th Post"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

*iPhone alarm playing Nickelback<\/a>\u00a0goes off at 3PM*<\/p>\n

*rolls out of bed with head-splitting\u00a0Saturday afternoon\u00a0hangover*<\/p>\n

*changes out of sleeping basketball shorts into frat logo<\/a> basketball shorts*<\/p>\n

*reaches for unopened can of Keystone Light on nightstand*<\/p>\n

“UGH,\u00a0TIME FOR SOME HAIR OF THE DOG, BRO!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*slams full beer\u00a0minutes after waking up*<\/p>\n

*reassures\u00a0self this is a normal thing to do*<\/p>\n

*accepts that not doing so\u00a0means admitting to being a total poser*<\/p>\n

*admires soft, shitty body in stained bedroom mirror*<\/p>\n

\"bedroom\"<\/p>\n

*heads downstairs for breakfast of microwave pretzels and weeks-old Subway\u00a0sandwich*<\/p>\n

*ignores past due bills on counter, watches Sportscenter<\/a>*<\/p>\n

*roommate suddenly bursts into kitchen\u00a0with breathless excitement*<\/p>\n

“BRO BRO BRO BRO OH MAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

“YOU KNOW ME BRO\u00a0I’M ALWAYS UP FOR WHATEVER<\/a>\u00a0HA HA!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

“CHAD GAVE ME THE SCOOP ON THIS SKANK’S ARTIST’S\u00a0CONVENT MEETUP DEAL\u00a0TONIGHT! BUNCHA BITCHES ARE GONNA BE GETTING TOGETHER\u00a0FOR LIKE NUDE DRAWINGS & SHIT!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

“AWW BRO WE’RE FUCKIN’ THERE BRO!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*high five<\/a> each other in anticipation of being there*<\/p>\n

*high five each other again in appreciation of\u00a0how well the first\u00a0high five went*<\/p>\n

“LET’S RAGE SOME BAGS, BRO!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*spends next four\u00a0hours drinking and playing bags*<\/p>\n

*plays live DMB concert<\/a> in its entirety twice*<\/p>\n

\"BROBAGS\"<\/p>\n

“I’M HUNGRY BRO LET’S GET SOME BDUBS AND HEAD TO THE SKANK CONVENTION!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

“HA HA HA SKANK CONVENTION THAT’S REALLY CLEVER BRO, YOU COULD BE A COMEDIAN!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*slams beer in excitement of potential career as comedian*<\/p>\n

*jumps\u00a0into black Ford F-150 with faux carbon fiber\u00a0Trucknutz<\/a>*<\/p>\n

*peels out of neighborhood at 60mph*<\/p>\n

\"truck\"<\/p>\n

*parks across three spaces at local BDubs*<\/p>\n

*puffs chest, gives “what are you looking at?!<\/em>” stare to dad with four kids exiting restaurant*<\/p>\n

“THE FUCK’S HIS PROBLEM BRO? HE BETTER KEEP WALKIN’!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*enters restaurant, ignores hostess,\u00a0sits down at reserved table*<\/p>\n

“THIS IS OUR\u00a0USUAL SPOT BRO!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*tosses small Reserved<\/em> sign on floor*<\/p>\n

*wolfs down two orders of shitty hot wings & slams three\u00a0beers*<\/p>\n

\"bro_eatwings\"<\/p>\n

*remarks to waitress about her cleavage, calls her a slut under his breath*<\/p>\n

*leaves phone number, doesn’t leave tip*<\/p>\n

\"napkin\"<\/p>\n

“I\u00a0THINK IT’S TIME TO SEE SOME SKANKS! YOLO, BRO!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*both\u00a0stand up, shout \u201cOOOOHHHHH!!!<\/strong>\u201d in middle of restaurant*<\/p>\n

“DUDE WHAT IF WE STARTED SAYING BROLO<\/em>? LIKE BRO<\/em> AND YOLO<\/em> TOGETHER?<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

“HA HA HA BRO\u00a0YOU’RE GONNA BE THE NEXT DANE COOK! BROLO<\/em>!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*exits\u00a0BDubs & jumps back in F-150*<\/p>\n

*peels out of parking lot at 60mph*<\/p>\n

*drives with a little more pep thanks to the idea of becoming the next Dane Cook*<\/p>\n

“OKAY BRO CHAD SAID\u00a0THE SKANK MEETUP IS AT THE OLD COLLEGE FINE ARTS BUILDING!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*drives out to old fine arts building*<\/p>\n

\"fine_arts\"<\/p>\n

*hides behind bushes to wait for said skanks to arrive*<\/p>\n

*waits a long time*<\/p>\n

“BRO THIS WHOLE PART OF TOWN\u00a0IS EMPTY AS FUCK, YOU SURE IT’S HERE?<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

“TOTALLY BRO, CHAD’S MY BOY! HE WOULDN’T LIE TO A BRO!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*continues waiting, slams beer to pass the time*<\/p>\n

*sees\u00a0movement in nearby building*<\/p>\n

“OH BRO I JUST SAW SOMEONE! IT MUST BE OVER THERE BRO!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*points toward nearby abandoned church*<\/p>\n

\"church2\"<\/p>\n

“AWESOME BRO HA HA LET’S FUCKIN’ GET OVER THERE!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*sneaks over there, hides behind tree*<\/p>\n

*sees figure pass by window*<\/p>\n

\"hooded_woman\"<\/p>\n

“awww this is totally it\u00a0bro! she looks bangin’ ha ha ha!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

“shhh! they’re probably all naked sketching in there!\u00a0<\/strong>let’s sneak inside bro!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*quietly high five each other*<\/p>\n

*sneaks up into abandoned church*<\/p>\n

*looks around*<\/p>\n

\"church_interior\"<\/p>\n

“wtf nobody here, bro!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

“bro they’re probably\u00a0downstairs! let’s go see some tittays!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*quietly descends stairs to church basement in order to facilitate viewing of said tittays*<\/p>\n

(click play<\/a>)<\/p>\n

\"church_stairs\"<\/p>\n

*continues descending further*<\/p>\n

\"church_stairs2\"<\/p>\n

“uhh, bro? where the fuck are these chicks…<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*takes out emergency\u00a0beer, slams it for courage*<\/p>\n

*continues to follow tunnel at bottom*<\/p>\n

\"church_tunnel\"<\/p>\n

“bro, I don’t know about this, bro…<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

“c’mon bro it’s right in there!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

\"church_tunnel2\"<\/p>\n

\"black\"<\/p>\n

*feels around in the darkness*<\/p>\n

*grabs what feels like a doorknob*<\/p>\n

*grips & turns it*<\/p>\n

\"black\"<\/p>\n

\"black\"<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\"HOD_girlonfloor\"<\/p>\n

\"hoodeddemon\"<\/p>\n

\"HOD_girlonfloor2\"<\/p>\n

\"HODgirl_face3\"<\/p>\n

\"HODgirl_face\"<\/p>\n

\"SKULLGOBLET\"<\/p>\n

\"hoodeddemon_eyes\"<\/p>\n

“GAAAAAHHHH OH FUCK OH FUCK\u00a0BRO OH MAN\u00a0OH GOD OH MAN<\/a>!!!<\/strong>\u00a0BRO BRO BRO WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE BRO!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*roommate immediately passes out from shock*<\/p>\n

“HA HA HA JUST\u00a0LIKE LIKE FRESHMAN YEAR BRAH!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*slams second emergency beer to think straight*<\/p>\n

*notices girl escapes with relative ease*<\/p>\n

\"HOD_girlescapes\"<\/p>\n

*turns\u00a0to run &\u00a0flee*<\/p>\n

*doesn’t notice hooded figure right behind him*<\/p>\n

\"hoodedguy\"<\/p>\n

“BWAAAHH\u00a0FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK GET OUTTA MY FACE, BRO!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*flails\u00a0around helplessly with junior-high level punches*<\/p>\n

*is grabbed by the throat and slammed into wall by hooded figure*<\/p>\n

*hooded figure remains silent*<\/p>\n

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, BRO?!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

*hooded figure motions to remove his cloak*<\/p>\n

\"hooded_blank\"<\/p>\n

\"hooded_blank\"<\/p>\n

\"hooded_G\"<\/p>\n

“GAAAAAHHHH(L)!!!<\/strong>”<\/p>\n

\"GAH\"<\/p>\n

Fin<\/a>.<\/p>\n

__________<\/p>\n

(images via<\/a>, via<\/a>, via<\/a>, via<\/a>, via<\/a>, via<\/a>, via<\/a>, via<\/a>, via<\/a>, via<\/a>, via<\/a>\u00a0| screenshots taken from The House of the Devil<\/em><\/a>)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

*iPhone alarm playing Nickelback\u00a0goes off at 3PM*<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10,"featured_media":19209,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[6280],"tags":[804,4013,803,805,2631,2629,2630,1475,1128,2628,806],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/666BRO.jpg?fit=700%2C460&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19025"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/10"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19025"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19025\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19209"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19025"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19025"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19025"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}