{"id":30998,"date":"2015-07-09T15:00:56","date_gmt":"2015-07-09T20:00:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.toiletovhell.com\/?p=30998"},"modified":"2015-07-08T17:52:41","modified_gmt":"2015-07-08T22:52:41","slug":"gimme-something-to-watch-turbulence-3-heavy-metal","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/gimme-something-to-watch-turbulence-3-heavy-metal\/","title":{"rendered":"Gimme Something to Watch: Turbulence 3 Heavy Metal"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

This isn’t the third documentary in a series about turbulence affecting heavy, metal-clad aircraft, although you’ll wish it was.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Browsing for something interesting to watch these days can be a chore. Why check out the latest award-winning films\u00a0or the newest original drama series when you can just scroll around for the most interesting cover art<\/a>? Hey, I like heavy metal! I like shooting lightning out of my eyes! I like (to hate) turbulence! This movie was made for me! And possibly you! Or neither of us!<\/p>\n

Slade Craven, rock superstar and reigning king of Death Metal, has planned a concert unlike anything the world has ever seen. He’ll be performing for a cargo load of lucky fans onboard a 747 jumbo jet as it flies from Los Angeles to Toronto. The entire spectacle will be broadcast on the Internet via Web music network ZTV. But murder and mayhem take over as one sadistic fan hijacks the plane and kills anyone who gets in the way of his ultimate satanic plan!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Yep, it’s an “evil rocker” movie. You can probably guess that\u00a0“death metal” as used in the above description came from the mind of a middle-aged screenwriter whose familiarity\u00a0with metal ended sometime in the early 80s. A guy named Slade Craven (our hero?) is an eyebrow-shaving, face-painting\u00a0Marilyn Manson facsimile clad head to toe in shiny black Hot Topic gear.<\/p>\n

\"craven_airport\"*irritated sigh*<\/em><\/p>\n

He’s rich, he’s famous, he has millions<\/del> thousands<\/del>\u00a0hundreds<\/del> about two dozen fans, and he\u00a0carts around a band of dudes who look like they made it to the final round of Supermarket Sweep<\/a> for cheap\u00a0dollar store costume gear instead of actual groceries. Vinyl! Chains!\u00a0Collars!\u00a0Piercings!<\/p>\n

\"band_1\"They’re all named Brad<\/em><\/p>\n

As per the\u00a0description above, the band is playing a live webcast concert (in 2001!) on the roomiest and most stable\u00a0airplane ever, where I’m sure nothing can possiblie go wrong… I mean possibly<\/em> go wrong. The music network\u00a0even sent\u00a0a generic blonde reporter to comment\u00a0generically and blondely on stuff.<\/p>\n

\"genericreporter\"“Planes have wings, wow!” *hair flip*<\/em><\/p>\n

Things start to go wrong almost immediately when we learn that the evil rocker’s signature phrase is an unironic\u00a0“Alright boys, let’s do\u00a0the hustle<\/a>,” which kinda undermines the whole evil rocker thing, but not really because look at him\u00a0for fuck’s sake. The band then\u00a0takes the “stage” somewhere in the “plane” to play a crappy techno-rock anthem you can buy on iStock for 99\u00a2 before Slade abandons the show\u00a0for unknown reasons…<\/p>\n

\"awfulstageshow\"<\/p>\n

\"FRRRRRRP_uh-oh\"*frrrrrrrppp* \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0“Uh oh…”<\/em><\/p>\n

But what reasons could those be, you ask?\u00a0I’ll bet this unlikely team of an FBI agent and a secretive hacker can help uncover some clues as to all the hullabaloo and goings-on with the live webcast! Oh man, how will they ever<\/em> learn to work together? Seriously though take a good look at the\u00a0image below, because those two shots take up half the goddamned\u00a0length\u00a0of the movie.<\/p>\n

\"everyfuckingshot\"The Ambien Duo<\/em><\/p>\n

The ever-increasing count of viewers to the webcast has something to do with a\u00a0prophecy, an evil society and a church in Kansas (?). Only through diligent and dedicated work staring sleepily at their computer screens and browsing the internet for homemade Geocities pages can the Ambien Duo prevent a terrible tragedy!<\/p>\n

\"prophecyofbutt\"Bad graphics = EVIL<\/em><\/p>\n

Also Rutger Hauer and Joe Mantegna are in this movie too although they don’t really do anything cool so forget I said anything.<\/p>\n

\"hauermontegna\"A majestic wild Hauer and a Montegna office drone\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

So anyway, it’s revealed that [KEY\u00a0PLOT POINTS REDACTED] because [REDACTED] wants to [REDACTED] and then finally later this happens:<\/p>\n

\"landingtehplanelol\"“Gggg… gghh… GAAAAHH!”<\/em><\/p>\n

In conclusion, Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal<\/strong> is definitely a very good<\/del> interesting<\/del> worthwhile<\/del> passable<\/del> kinda okay<\/del> film that you must<\/del> should<\/del> might\u00a0watch someday. When that day finally comes, check it out on YouTube<\/a> or Netflix.<\/p>\n

(header image via<\/a>)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This isn’t the third documentary in a series about turbulence affecting heavy, metal-clad aircraft, although you’ll wish it was.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10,"featured_media":31003,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[70],"tags":[3161,4479,4478,4480],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/07\/Turbulence3_header_700.jpg?fit=700%2C468&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30998"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/10"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=30998"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30998\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/31003"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=30998"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=30998"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=30998"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}