{"id":40637,"date":"2015-12-21T13:00:46","date_gmt":"2015-12-21T19:00:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.toiletovhell.com\/?p=40637"},"modified":"2017-05-08T23:39:33","modified_gmt":"2017-05-09T04:39:33","slug":"a-very-special-bdubs-bro-christmas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/a-very-special-bdubs-bro-christmas\/","title":{"rendered":"A Very Special BDubs Bro Christmas"},"content":{"rendered":"
*iPhone alarm playing Steel Panther<\/a>\u00a0goes off at 2:45 PM*<\/p>\n <\/p>\n *rolls out of bed still wearing Santa basketball shorts<\/a>*<\/p>\n *changes into formal, afternoon basketball shorts*<\/p>\n *texts daily coal roll meme to dad*<\/p>\n *snacks on cold half-eaten Burger King<\/a>\u00a0thing on dresser*<\/p>\n *stretches leg of basketball shorts to face to wipe mouth*<\/p>\n *checks self out in mirror*<\/p>\n <\/p>\n HA HA GODDAMN I’M BEEFY, BRO! PURE MUSCLE MASS!<\/strong><\/p>\n *makes duck\u00a0face at self in mirror, adjusts junk*<\/p>\n *considers blasting porn to wake up roommates*<\/p>\n *makes mental note\u00a0to blast porn to roommates later*<\/p>\n *heads downstairs*<\/p>\n *surveys remains\u00a0of last night’s party*<\/p>\n <\/p>\n WHAT A FUCKIN’ PARTY, BRO!<\/strong><\/p>\n *adds empty can to Bud Light tree<\/a>*<\/p>\n *slams warm Monster Energy<\/a>\u00a0from moldy\u00a0cooler*<\/p>\n *realizes it’s past Noon*<\/p>\n *slams warm Corona from aforementioned\u00a0cooler*<\/p>\n HA HA GROSS\u00a0BRO THIS SHIT SUCKS!<\/strong><\/p>\n *walks to fridge, slams slightly less warm\u00a0Corona*<\/p>\n CAFFEINE AND BEER\u00a0IS THE ULTIMATE ENERGY MIX, BRAH! WOOOO!<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n *is now ready to start the day*<\/p>\n *considers doing keg stand on own*<\/p>\n *makes mental note to request keg stand assistance later*<\/p>\n *checks Sportscenter, blasts Volbeat<\/a> from crappy phone speaker*<\/p>\n *commends self for trying some non-American\u00a0music, adjusts junk*<\/p>\n *has sudden craving for cheap\u00a0buffalo wings*<\/p>\n HEY BROS I’M HEADING TO BDUBS TO TRY THOSE NEW MOUNTAIN DEW WINGS, BRO! SEE YOU FUCKIN’\u00a0TURDS LATER!<\/strong><\/p>\n *opens garage, looks outside*<\/p>\n <\/p>\n HOLY SHIT BRO HA HA WHO FUCKIN’ CARES I NEED ME SOME BDUBS! BROLO!<\/strong><\/p>\n *hops in F-150 with LED\u00a0trucknutz<\/a>*<\/p>\n *spins tires immediately and\u00a0fishtails dangerously\u00a0down\u00a0neighborhood streets*<\/p>\n *clips several parked cars*<\/p>\n *blasts awful Corey Taylor<\/a> song*<\/p>\n HELL\u00a0YEAH LET’S GET DRUNK AT CHRISTMAS BRO<\/a>!<\/strong><\/p>\n *pulls up to Buffalo Wild Wings*<\/p>\n *ignores snowed-over\u00a0parking lines, somehow\u00a0parks across eight\u00a0spaces*<\/p>\n *rolls down window to shout at family walking back to car*<\/p>\n WOOOOOO!!! GET SOME, BRO!<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n *adjusts\u00a0junk while walking through parking lot*<\/p>\n *walks into womb-like warming glow of\u00a0Buffalo Wild Wings*<\/p>\n <\/p>\n *pushes past\u00a0hostess, sits beneath largest TV screen*<\/p>\n *orders all manner of shitty food*<\/p>\n *slams Bud Light*<\/p>\n *slams another Bud Light*<\/p>\n *slams several fireball shots and a long island iced tea because why the fuck not*<\/p>\n WOOO! HELL YEAH BRO!<\/strong><\/p>\n *devours shitty food with ravenous drunken abandon*<\/p>\n <\/p>\n *throws assorted sweaty $20 bills\u00a0on table\u00a0before bill arrives*<\/p>\n *makes offhand comment about waitresses’ cleavage to nearby patron*<\/p>\n GO TAP THAT SHIT MY BRO HA HA YEAH, I’M GONNA!<\/strong><\/p>\n *isn’t gonna*<\/p>\n *walks back to truck, notices worsening weather*<\/p>\n <\/p>\n GODDAMN BRO WHAT THE FUCK HA HA GOOD THING MY TRUCK IS A FUCKIN’ BEAST! I’M GONNA\u00a0COAL ROLL THE SNOW AWAY!<\/strong><\/p>\n *attempts to peel out of snowy parking lot, hits several other cars*<\/p>\n *eventually makes way onto empty snow-covered roads*<\/p>\n *is drunk, becomes lost in poorly-paved forested area*<\/p>\n *lodges truck tires in snow drift*<\/p>\n <\/p>\n AWW FUCK BRO!<\/strong><\/p>\n *wastes remaining gas by\u00a0spinning tires for seventeen minutes*<\/p>\n *opens glove box, slams emergency beer*<\/p>\n *begins walking back to main road*<\/p>\n *feels dropping temperatures, realizes poor choice of attire in basketball shorts*<\/p>\n HA HA MY NUTS ARE FREEZING, BRO! I’M ALL LIKE BRRR<\/em> & SHIT!<\/strong><\/p>\n *adjusts freezing junk*<\/p>\n <\/p>\n *trudges into woods through worsening snowfall*<\/p>\n *loses direction completely*<\/p>\n *remembers mental note\u00a0for a keg stand later*<\/p>\n HA HA OH YEAH SWEET BRAH!<\/strong><\/p>\n *can’t feel extremities, becomes disoriented*<\/p>\n *hypothermia begins to set in*<\/p>\n <\/p>\n *slams final ultra emergency beer stashed in limited edition Cabo Wabo North Face jacket*<\/p>\n *pees\u00a0initials in snow*<\/p>\n Hhh… h-Ha ha, bRo…\u00a0HA Ha<\/strong><\/p>\n *drifts off into\u00a0hypothermia-induced sleep*<\/p>\n I mm- I maY n-noT EVen gEt My ch-chRIStmAs b-beej, bro… th… that f-fuCKin’ suc-sucks, b-b-brrrooo…<\/strong><\/p>\n *sun sets, blizzard continues to rage*<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n _ _ _ _ _<\/p>\n (images via<\/a>\u00a0via<\/a> via<\/a> via<\/a> via<\/a> via<\/a> via<\/a> via<\/a>\u00a0via<\/a> via<\/a>\u00a0via<\/a> via<\/a>\u00a0via<\/a>)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" *iPhone alarm playing Steel Panther\u00a0goes off at 2:45 PM*<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10,"featured_media":41076,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[6280],"tags":[804,4013,455,803,805,6187,2631,6189,6190,806,6188],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/12\/broxmasheaderbro.jpg?fit=836%2C550&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40637"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/10"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=40637"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40637\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/41076"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=40637"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=40637"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=40637"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}MERRY CHRISTMAS BDUBS BRO!<\/h1>\n