{"id":43354,"date":"2016-02-19T13:00:38","date_gmt":"2016-02-19T19:00:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.toiletovhell.com\/?p=43354"},"modified":"2016-02-19T12:11:35","modified_gmt":"2016-02-19T18:11:35","slug":"shirt-stains-death-comes-lolbuttzing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/shirt-stains-death-comes-lolbuttzing\/","title":{"rendered":"Shirt Stains: Death Comes Lolbuttzing"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

Death waits for some.<\/p>\n

Blood and guts, ruthless aggression, and unspeakable violence. Welcome to women\u2019s roller derby. Also, death metal. True, there may be not much of connection between the two, but I can only assume Suffocation\u2019s<\/strong> Frank Mullen is a master on skates. While roller derby t-shirts usually adhere to the uniform\/sports team aesthetic, death metal..umm\u2026 well, take a look for yourself.<\/p>\n

Cannibal Corpse – Bleh<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\"cannibalstains\"<\/a><\/p>\n

It wouldn\u2019t be a death metal Shirt Stains without Cannibal Corpse. I\u2019m not sure the exact moment the band went from \u201cEvil blood-thirsty monsters\u201d to \u201cYeeeeah, we\u2019re just fucking around.\u201d Maybe it was always like that for some fans. After all, the members do have family lives. Maybe it\u2019s when George \u201cCorpsegrinder\u201d Fisher espoused his \u201cfucking passion\u201d for World of Warcraft<\/a>. Maybe it was when they decided to have their shirts designed by the weird kid that only takes 3 classes and has to be accompanied by a court-appointed guardian at all times.<\/p>\n

A lot of Cannibal Corpse merch has zombies on it. That\u2019s cool. I like zombies (obviously). Their zombies always look kind of strange though, like they\u2019re hopped-up on prosac. You can really see it on this shirt with the frozen smile\/grimace. That\u2019s the look of someone sitting through a really bad piece of poetry at a coffee place while they wait for their friend to show up. That\u2019s the look you give when you have Thanksgiving dinner with your significant other\u2019s family and they ask when you\u2019re getting married\/having kids. Perhaps these zombies are just really excited to perform surgery. Or they just haven\u2019t noticed that they don\u2019t have any feet. I guess the artist was too distracted putting all the blood splatters on the shirt to, y\u2019know, finish drawing the rest of the picture.<\/p>\n

Malignancy – Oh baby, baby<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\"malignancyshirtstains\"<\/a><\/p>\n

This is one of those band shirts that people only wear to other shows. This shirt is currently buried in the bottom of many drawers across the country in the hopes that loved ones never find it. You\u2019re probably not busting this shirt out to wear to Great Aunt Gilda\u2019s 90th<\/sup> birthday party because there\u2019s no way she\u2019s making it to 91 after seeing it. I\u2019m no doctor, but I don\u2019t think this design is 100% medically accurate. The delicate brushstrokes and calming colors are a nice touch, though. It\u2019s like a lakeside picnic on a warm spring day\u2026 if that lake were next to a nuclear waste-infused mass grave.<\/p>\n

While the design is, um, unique, the real gripe is with the back. It\u2019s just the same design as the front, band name and all, with the song\u2019s lyrics printed on top. Not just one or two clever lines, but the entire song. It\u2019s quite the toe-tapper<\/a> of a song, so I can see why they wouldn\u2019t want anyone to miss out on the lyrical intricacies. I guess we should be happy that they didn\u2019t make a shirt for the next song<\/a> on the same album. Just reading those lyrics<\/a> makes your insurance rates go up. They\u2019re a gory death metal band and their lyrics reflect it. I get it, but they should probably be a little more succinct since it\u2019s beginning<\/a> to become<\/a> a problem<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Misery Index – Pope is dope<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\"miseryindexshirtstains\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat the fuck is up, bitcheeeessssssssssssssss?!?\u201d That was the first thought that came to mind when I saw this shirt. Pope Corpsey II is here it party. He is the voice of the Party God<\/a> on Earth, and Andrew WK is his apostle. Instead of a waifer, he gives you some ketamine and glow sticks. Instead of wine, he gives you jungle juice and Monster mixed in his bathtub. Sure, he appears to have extra arms, but that just means more places to high-five, brah!<\/p>\n

I could probably make an entire Pope-based Shirt Stains post. There is no<\/a> shortage<\/a> of metal<\/a> band<\/a> shirts<\/a> with<\/a> the Pope<\/a> on<\/a> them<\/a>. The Pope is an easy target for metal. Rage against religion, rage against authority, etc. Most of those shirts show the Pope as some sort of corpse. Misery Index goes the extra mile by turning his body into a writhing pile of snakes. Or spaghetti; it\u2019s kind of hard to tell. Maybe it\u2019s to distract from the wordy phrase beneath the band name. \u201cFear Ritualized to Control Illuminaughts illumination\u201d. Uh, sure why not? Maybe the back of the shirt has an explanation to what that means. Hopefully it doesn\u2019t look like the back of that Malignancy shirt. We\u2019ve got things to see and buttz to lol.<\/p>\n

Whitechapel – Bllllllaaaaarrrggghhhhh<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\"whitechapelstains\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I know some people will bristle at the fact that Whitechapel is included on a list of death metal bands, but this shirt would appear on this list regardless of what band was on it. It\u2019s like someone drank a bunch of blue Powerade and ipecac and the other thing to catch the geyser of vomit on\u00a0this shirt. It\u2019s like they purposely designed this shirt to be as ugly as humanly possible. The gross face-thing with uncooked pasta coming out of its mouth, the random skulls, the random feathers, the even more random symbols at the bottom. None of it makes sense. Amazingly, this isn\u2019t the first time<\/a> Whitechapel has put out a shirt containing a bizarre face with some highly-detailed bullshit to go around it. What a strange idea to repeat.<\/p>\n

This shirt wasn\u2019t designed, it was still-birthed. This shirt canceled Silent Hills. This shirt is all about swatting<\/a> people. This shirt\u00a0thinks Ted Cruz<\/a> is handsome. This shirt looks up to James Franco. This shirt thinks the Earth is flat. This shirt thinks Papa John\u2019s pizza is good. This shirt just wants people to leave Phil Anselmo alone. This shirt is the newest writer for BroBible. This shirt walks out of stores when they don\u2019t accept Bitcoins. This shirt posts columns about tech death bands on Tuesdays.<\/p>\n

Defeated Sanity \u2013 They\u2019re creepy and they\u2019re kooky\u2026<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\"defeatedsanitystains\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Defeated Sanity are a German tech death band that have been around for over 20 years. Wow! It\u2019s a little less impressive when you see that they\u2019ve only released 4 full-length albums in that time, but hey, it\u2019s better than putting out just one album in over a decade<\/a> with a cast of members that would rival a Broadway play.<\/p>\n

Like just about every death metal band, Defeated Sanity have the brutal and difficult-to-read logo. That\u2019s perfectly fine. It\u2019s the picture underneath the logo. That\u2019s Uncle Fester<\/a> from the Adams Family. The look on his face isn\u2019t quite pain or pleasure, so it\u2019s not Butterball the Cenobite<\/a>. He just kind of looks like he\u2019s saying \u201cI looooooooooooooooooooove Death By Chocolate cake! Oh my god, you can actually taste the buttteerrrrrrr! It\u2019s going straight to my thiiiiggghhhhsss! Am I fat? Please tell me if I\u2019m fat. I mean, don\u2019t tell me if I am just tell me what I want to hear. You can see my organs, can\u2019t you? Oh, god I\u2019m gross! Nyyyaaahhhhh!\u201d<\/p>\n

\"defeatedsanityback\"<\/a><\/p>\n

The back of the shirt says \u201cTrue to Sickness\u201d. Good. Great. I\u2019m glad you guys stay true to Sickness. In this day and age, people are so false to Sickness. I blame social media and the bully culture. If they really wanted to prove how true they were, Defeated Sanity would give Sickness a promise ring. Show some commitment, guys!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Death waits for some.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":29,"featured_media":43366,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"Shirt Stains: Death Comes Lolbuttzing","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[12,1812],"tags":[1960,1215,790,6644,1097,1750,4916,1809],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/deathsheadiandii.jpg?fit=700%2C380&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/43354"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/29"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=43354"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/43354\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/43366"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=43354"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=43354"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/toiletovhell.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=43354"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}