If you ever ask the question, “What in the fuck is Dream Theater doing?”, you will probably get one variation or another of “Wanking publicly”. Today is no exception.

Last night, our dear friend Link let everyone in the Toilet ov Hell Facebook group know that Dream Theater is up to something or other. It’s called The Astonishing and it promises to be epic in a way that only genuinely bad things can be.

Before you do anything, PLEASE visit Dream Theater’s website to get the full experience. We begin with what appears to be a character select screen for an atrocious early-2000s video game. Some of the figures are blacked out. I think you need to beat the album on single-player to unlock them.

Likewise, the world map is still incomplete. We all know that you cannot fast travel to THE VANISHING FOREST until you trek there on your lonesome. Careful, though. If you collect too many anime figurines, you’ll be overloaded and it’ll take for-EVER to quest there.

This is also included, but it doesn’t make any sense. I’ve never seen a video game include a “track listing”. It seems to include heavy spoilers though, so watch out. The character “Faythe” is very obviously the love interest introduced with “Act of Faythe” in Act I. Cruelly, she is cut down in Act II with “Losing Faythe”. With this knowledge in mind, try not to use all of your good Materia on her, like you did with Aerith in Final Fantasy 7.

I’ve yet to see any announcements about which system DREAM THEATER: THE ASTONISHING will be available for, so I’ve decided to put together some concept art for them myself. You’re welcome fellas.