Shirt Stains: Black Merol

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Kvlt Shvrt Stvns

I’ve been having a bit of trouble with an intro for this edition of Shirt Stains. I’m not exactly a big fan of the genre, though I do enjoy certain bands. I’m always extremely cautious when it comes to black metal bands due to certain ideological beliefs coughnazishitheadscough held by a seemingly large number of people involved in the scene. That and murders committed by black metal musicians. Don’t forget torturing  or church burnings. Of course, it would be unfair to lump everyone into that category. Bands have spoken out against these ideas, fans enjoy the music while separating it from the ideologies etc. If there’s one we we can agree on, it’s the intense passion that black metallers have for their music. Sometimes to a fault.

Since black metal bands and fans are known for their sense of humor (Abbath notwithstanding), this should be an interesting and fun edition of Shirt Stains. Remember: You’re supposed to laugh. Irrational black metal fans, make sure to send all your hate mail and death threats to papajoethrashnkill@toiletovhell.lolbuttz

Satanic Warmaster – Bllleeeeeehhhhh

satanicwarmastershirtstains

Black shirt? Check. White print? Check. Hard-to-read band logo. Check. Fiery werewolf with big fluffy tail struggling to take a morning plop before work. Check. Lots and lots of symbols? You better believe that’s a check. If the shirt was just the band name and the cutest lil’ were-monster, it would be fine, but no, there’s still room on the shirt. Use it up. Use it all up!

Do we really need a sleeve full of inverted pentagrams and smaller versions of the main image? No, but we’re getting it anyway. The same could be said for the the other sleeve. The name is hard enough to read on the front, but let’s throw it on the other sleeve just in case. Maybe someone will be able to read it then. The one good thing about having that little pentagram on the front? It looks like our wolf buddy is heading a soccer ball. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just practicing to make the team this year. Go get ’em, big fella. Do it for Pele!

Satyricon – Family Portrait

Satyriconstains

I’ve seen this portrait theme before, but don’t understand it. Serious question: Why do black metal bands do this? Do their mommys and gram-grams frame the pictures themselves and keep them on the mantle? Do they proudly point to them when their girlfriends come over for tea and biscuits? “Oh, my son Fapnar the Crotchgrinder just released his eighth demo tape last week. He’ll be signed to a label any day now. We’re so proud!” It’s just kind of strange to me, especially on a shirt.

Stranger than awkward yearbook photos is how small the band’s name appears. Shouldn’t that be the biggest thing on the shirt? I guess the guy on the right is super happy with his amateur fencing club picture, but still. Band name is #1, larping pictures #2. It’s not like they think having a big band name is unimportant because we can see it creeping up on the sleeve. You really goofed this time, Satyricon. What would gram-gram say?

Satanik Goat Ritual – Don’t spit. It’s not ladylike.

satanicgoatritualshirtstains

The pride of El Paso, Texas, Satanik Goat Ritual (not to be confused with Satanic Goat Ritual, which I can only assume has already been used by another band) bestow upon us a highly-detailed graphic drawing and a band photo. Bless you, Satanik Goat Ritual. Bless you.

I’m sure someone worked very hard on that design. Possibly too hard. I’m really not sure what’s going on. I think we have a totally buff goat bro (Broat perhaps?), a WTF-faced Jesus, and…I don’t know. A big pile of human mush. Is this what a satanik goat ritual looks like? If so, I’ll stick with the sex cauldrons. At least their name is big and bright, unlike a lot of other black/death metal bands. They even included the name of their album on the front, “Seven Spittings on the Face of Madonna”. Jeez, I didn’t know people felt that strongly about the Material Girl.

On the back of the shirt, we have a reiteration of their bodily fluid exchange upon the Dick Tracy co-star. Why seven? Is it for luck? Do satanik goats even need luck? Maybe they just like alliteration. They definitely love band photos. We’ve got bullet belts, machetes, and whatever the hell is going on in that photo on the right. Does this please his goatship? Does he chew upon the grass in great malevolence? Will he ram his imperial horns into the butts of the unworthy? We may never know.

Cradle of Filth – *Shakes head*

CradleofFilthshirtstains

Cranky black metal fans are probably already upset that I dare speak ill of their shirts, so I might as well throw in a Cradle of Filth shirt. Cries of mall metal be damned! Just look at this shirt. It’s like someone watched Spinal Tap and didn’t get the joke. They saw “Smell The Glove” and said “I want that on a shirt, but worse!” The design is weird and slightly confusing. The greenish color is off-putting and that really says something for a shirt that shows lesbian bondage necrophilia. This actually makes Cradle of Filth’s “Jesus was a c*nt” shirt seem tasteful.

Maybe the back is better.

CradleofFilthshirtstainsback

Nope! Not only is it goofy (and lacking punctuation), but I don’t think it has anything to do with the front of the shirt. The tiny baphomet is cute. It’s like a smiley emoji letting us know that it’s totes not serious jk lol. Who would wear this shirt out in public? Actually, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. It probably involves a high-pitched Dani Filth squeal of delight.

Horned Almighty – I have so many ideas! Let’s use all of them!

hornedalmightyshirtstains

These Danish black metallers are full of so many ideas. We’ve got an inverted cross, some serpents, the band logo, the album name, the band logo, the album name, the band logo, the album name, oh god make it stop! The sleeve designs need to stop, especially when it’s just repeating the same thing that’s on the front. We get it! We know!

On the plus side, the back doesn’t have any of that. On the minus side, it has a giant biohazard symbol on top of a crown of thorns. Don’t cut yourself on that edge, guys. The little demon harpies unnecessary, but sure, why not? I hope someone sees the back of this shirt and starts singing “Tales From The Hard Side”. That would be some poetic justice.

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