Shirt Stains: Shirting With Disaster


Wear one of these band shirts or go topless? You decide.

You’re running late. You could’ve sworn you set your alarm the night before. Did you just forget or did you wake up for a split second when it sounded, turned it off, and fell right back asleep and now you can’t remember? It doesn’t matter anymore. No time for breakfast. Sorry blueberry Eggos, you must wait another day in your freezer casket. No time to listen to the latest Toilet OV Hell Radio episode (now available on iTunes!). Joe and Randall’s tales of suspense and lollbuttz will come another time. No time for a shower. Just rub an air freshener over your pits and crotch. A pine-fresh scent will be your reward. No time to brush your teeth, just eat some Thin Mints. No time to pick out a specific shirt, just throw on anything… well, maybe not these shirts.

Children Of Bodom – I wanna hold your hand

Wow, I didn’t know Children of Bodom made girl-repellant shirts. This shirt has had more nerds in it than Willy Wonka’s factory. Dungeons and Dragons veterans ban this shirt from play. This shirt comes pre-smelling of failure and Taco Doritos. The back of this shirt probably says “KICK ME. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE KICK ME!” People who wear this shirt are the only ones who don’t receive a participation trophy. Your virginity will double like a protective cocoon around your junk if you wear this shirt.

All-over prints are almost universally terri-bad. Most of the time, they’re bootlegs. I think this is a bootleg too, but I’m not sure. The way “Bodom” falls off to the side like a bro who is about to be kicked out of Dave & Buster’s because he’s sloshed on Angry Orchard “Cinnful Apple” hard cider makes me think that it’s a fake. It’s a bit of a higher quality than a lot of other bootlegs, though, which gives me pause. Perhaps it’s the fact that the Grim Reaper has “Cob” tattooed on his hand. Maybe it’s just a fear that the COB Reaper looks like he’s about to check to see if you have a hernia. I heard those kids went down to Lake Bodom and had to turn their head and cough. He may be the Grim Reaper, but he wants everyone to be healthy.

The Plot In You – The Face On Your Shirt

The Plot In You is a metalcore band from Ohio on Stay Sick Recordings. Thanks Wikipedia! I’ve heard the name before, but to be honest, I misspelled the band’s name twice before writing this sentence (The Pot In You, The Plot In Your in case you were curious), so there you go. I’m pretty sure I can accurately describe how they sound without ever hearing them. That’s okay, though, because all are equal under the eyes of Shirt Stains. When bands make terrible shirts, they make terrible shirts as one. It’s quite beautiful when you think about it, like a celebrity nip slip or an onion ring showing up in your french fries.

This shirt is none of those things. This shirt is the equivalent of a long hair that definitely, 100% doesn’t belong to you that you pull out of your ass in the shower. It’s weird and uncomfortable and get it away now now now now! It reminds me of that Defeater “shirt within a shirt” and not just because both are sold by Probably because of the framing of the picture and the mind-numbing fact that multiple human beings thought this was good. The Plot In You just really love eating Snickers Pie and decided to take a picture at the exact moment they took their first bite and immediately orgasmed out of every orifice. “Ugh it’s sooooooo goooooood! I don’t even care if this puts me over my Weight Watchers limit!” Why this person is wearing a mask, I’ll have no idea. It’s like they’re embarrassed or something. Or a luchador. Either explanation works.

Of Mice & Men – Ampersandalicious

Of Mice and Men is a novella written by John Steinbeck. It is considered to be an American classic. I’m not much of a Steinbeck fan, but I enjoyed Of Mice and Men. The story has been made into a movie a few times, including one starring Lon Chaney Jr. and Burgess Meredith. Of Mice & Men is totally different, though. See, that ampersand makes all the difference. You’ve got to notice the small things.

Of Mice & Men is a metalcore band out of, of course, Orange County, California. It’s like they grow on trees out there. The band was formed when vocalist Austin Carlile left Attack Attack and I just vomited in my mouth a little bit. Impressively, that fact has not stopped Of Mice & Men from being pelted with rotten vegetables on a nightly basis. The kids just love the chuggity chugs and yelly yells.

They must also love shirts that suffer from post-concussion syndrome. So many things are going on with this shirt and none of them are interesting. A couple of live shots, a promo photo, the band’s name one and half times up top, the band’s name towards the bottom, and a shitload of ampersands. Putting a circle around an established logogram shouldn’t count as a band symbol, but here we are. My favorite part of this shirt is that one of the band members (I assume Carlile) is wearing his own band’s shirt ON his own band’s shirt. This is the type of thing that makes the universe collapse on itself. At least we had a good run, right?

Born Of Osiris – Brown Of Osiris

Believe it or not, but this is actually a Born Of Osiris shirt. At least, I think it’s a Born Of Osiris shirt. That’s what the website said, and why would the internet be wrong about something? It kind of looks like it says Born Of Osiris, but it also looks like “Dom Siris”. Wasn’t Dom Siris in The Sorpranos? Yeah, I think he was part of Johnny Sac’s crew towards the end of the series. I’d try to make out what’s on the back of this shirt, but I do not currently have access to a high-powered telescope.

On what planet was this a good idea? The Shirt Stains name isn’t too clever when the shirts actually look shit-colored. Oh, I’m sorry, shit-camoflague-colored. Y’know, just in case Born Of Osiris fans need to sneak around any Port-O-Potties like they’re in Fecal Gear Solid. I’ve said it many times before, but band shirts are an advertisement for the band. How can you advertise your band when people can’t fucking read a damn thing on your shit shirt? For fuck’s sake! Who designed this?! Who bought this?! Who wears this?! WHEN, LORD? WHEN DO I GET TO SEE THE GOD DAMN SAIL BOAT?! Whoa, sorry about that. Let’s just say it’s a bad shirt and also a not good shirt.

I Declare War – I Declare Flannel

Way to ruin a perfectly good longsleeve flannel, I Declare War. Their name is super tiny, so you can rep your favorite band without shaming your parents in public. Of course, they could have always made it worse, soooo yay?

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