Shirt Stains – Whitecrapel

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Making White Castle look tasteful since 2006.

Whitechapel are one of those bands that have managed to make a bit of a following despite me never running into one of their fans in real life. Similar to Job For A Cowboy, Whitechapel started off in a somewhat maligned subgenre before moving more towards death metal. Both bands have released albums recently that have received praise from traditional metal outlets and both still have trouble shedding the stigma of their previous sound. Sometimes a label persists despite changes in sound or content (See: Zao, Christian hardcore band), and sometimes a label persists because a band has bad merch that falls neatly in line with said label.

 

Whitechapel – Purple Yellow and Brown

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I don’t know what upsets me more: the strange design or the color scheme. Both are really, really, re-ha-ha-ha-eally bad. What exactly is going on in this picture? Is that Jay Leno-jawed monster thing finger-banging that Alien-faced thing’s brain? Is the Alien-faced thing enjoying it? Is the Jay Leno monster on fire? Is it related to Mr. Fantastic, hence the stretchy arm? Did the Alien-faced thing take a swig of some Steven Seagal’s Lighting Bolt energy drink and now spits lightning? I fear that these mind-boggling questions will never be answered. Unfortunately, that’s only half of the problem with this murder-scene tarp.

Who thought the combination of purple, brown, and yellow would look good on a shirt? Did the artist have the hots for a dirty Babs Bunny? It’s simply a bad combination and makes a bad shirt even worse. And why does the design go past the bottom stitching? Was it just that could that they couldn’t fit it in the designated area known at “the rest of the t-shirt”? Perhaps it was all an attempt to distract us from the hideous pants that the model is wearing. Now it makes slightly more sense.

 

Whitechapel – Now with Even Less Punctuation

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Let’s all read this out loud together. Deep breath. Ready? Go.

“We are nothing fuck  your lives Whitechapel you’re all worthless”.

That’s Shakespearean. Bashō could not have crafted something more poetic than this shirt. It’s as if the winds gently kissed the pristine ocean as a golden sun sank slowly into the darkening horizon. I’m actually fighting back tears. We can only guess what the wordsmiths in Whitechapel were thinking when they put pen to paper to ink to shirt. The giant block letters, the ALL CAPS, the lack of punctuation, the swear word that guarantees a lot of people won’t wear it in public, the band name that’s smaller than some of the other words. It’s a true work of art. This shirt should be hanging in the Louvre.

Whatever state of mind the band was in, we should all be grateful that they had the sense to put this national-anthem-in-the-making on a guaranteed money-making shirt.

 

Whitechapel – HUURRRRRRRUUUGGGHHHH… *spit* … *spit*

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This design-cum-notebook doodle looks somewhat familiar. It’s one part Carcass‘ “Reek of Putrefaction” and one part The County Medical Examiner‘s “Olidous Operettas“. It has an ultra-detailed goriness that is both disgusting and confusing. Sure it’s gross, but we’re not 100% sure why. Whitechapel’s lyrics aren’t gory or gross, so that can’t be the inspiration Maybe they just like that one Cannibal Corpse album with that one song. You know the one, bro. The one where it’s all “urrrrrr gurrrrrr urrrrrr”. You should totally download it, dude. I’ll find a torrent.

It looks like a gross face with some stuff (tentacles? string cheese?) coming out of its nose and mouth. Why? I don’t know. Why is it outlined in neon green? Again, I don’t know. Why is the background the color of blueberry Icees? Yeah, I don’t know. Why does their logo look like mucous? I don’t know, yo. What the hell is coming out of it’s head? Seriously, stop asking. I. Don’t. Know. I have a feeling the band, artist, label, and printer didn’t know either.

 

Whitechapel – There’s Something Familiar About That Face…

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Why are Whitechapel such a bunch of Negative Nancys and Angsty Andys? There’s no need to be a bunch of Grumpy Guses and Cursing Curtises on your shirts, guys. Don’t you want people to like you and buy your stuff? Buncha Mean Mandys over in Whitechapel town. To be fair, even if the back of the shirt didn’t feature an “Angry 15 year old on Xbox Live” quote, this shirt would still be inducted.

My drawing skills are minimal, but I still think I could probably sketch out something on a napkin comparable to the front of this shirt. Unlike the other shirts, the colors are good and the design is sound. People being burned by fire. We all get that, right? Then why do these people look so funny? The guy in the bottom corner looks like he’s sneezing, the guy above him looks like Bub from Day of the Dead (see my avatar for reference), and I’m not even sure what’s going on with the guy at the top. Is he a dying Highlander?

Hmmm. There’s something very familiar about the woman on the front. It’s as if I’ve seen her somewhere before. Wait. Could it be? Yes! It is! It’s the black metal vocalist from that KFC commercial!

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Whitechapel – Larry, Curly, and Whoa

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We’ve already talked about the neon-colored band shirt trend before. Either this is an old shirt or it’s still a thing and that really depresses me. Everything about this is offensive to the eye and gives me a headache. That’s a shade of blue that no one anywhere ever should wear. Pilots use this shirt to warn them that they’re too close to buildings. Armies now fly this shirt to show that they surrender.

For whatever reason, this shirt has decapitated zombie Three Stooges. I mean, that’s clearly Moe and Curley. That’s not exactly the best Larry, but it’s close enough. No idea what’s going on with their eyes, though. I don’t think it’s a great leap to guess that anyone wearing this shirt has little to no knowledge of who The Three Stooges were. If the Stooges were reanimated, I doubt they’d be throwing up the horns or wearing tight V-necks, girl pants, and scene belts. They’d probably want to be with their families or eating some flesh. If they’re still hungry, point the Three Zombies in the direction of Whitechapel. Thanks.

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