Review: Wind Rose – Trollslayer

Lolbuttz, Metal, Nerd Shit, New Stuff, Opinion, Reviews

September 26, 2024

445

It’s better to ignore these things, but I couldn’t.

First and foremost, I must say that this would never be something I’d like. It’s not for me. It’s probably not for most of you. Is it fair to review things that, by definition, have no appeal to you? No. Am I so bored that I’m going to do it anyway? Yes. Sorry.

The first track of Trollslayer happens to be the second best, primarily because it has no lyrics. It’s the first of two “<Material> and <Material>” tracks, titled “Of Ice and Blood.” It’s a corny synth and epic horn thing that goes nowhere.

We then get into “The Dance of the Axes,” the first of three “<Blank> of the <Blank>” track titles, which is the riveting story of spirits in a dwarven mine that wait a long time to be resurrected to fight again, or something like that. A handful of the verses go with the AABB rhyme scheme, except when they forget, then it’s just whatever. Many of the verses also follow a theme of starting with some word repeated three times, starting with “Down, down, down” and then right after, “Deep, deep, deep” because if there’s one thing this album loves doing, it’s reminding you that dwarves live beneath the surface. These lyrics are driven by a speedy, galloping rhythm with a melody repeated so often that it becomes catchy by pure brute force.

Lyrics mentioning an underground habitat counter: 3

The next track starts with the word “Underground” so you know it will be good. Sadly, these dwarves don’t have much food for “The Great Feast Underground”, as no solid consumables are mentioned. Instead, we get this chorus that is the delight of every live venue owner across the land:

Alcohol!
We’re drinking alcohol!
Until Tomorrow Comes
We’re drinking alcohol!
And when tomorrow comes
We’ll drink more alcohol

Insightful stuff. It’s a song about drinking a lot of beer. It’s also one of the more annoying vocal performances, not my favorite.

Lyrics mentioning an underground habitat counter: 6

I honestly had no idea what “Rock and Stone” was about until they just randomly dropped the name Bosco in the lyrics, which led me to find it’s about a co-op FPS called Deep Rock Galactic, in which you are a space dwarf who mines. Is this whole album about this game, or is this the only song where the dwarves are space dwarves? I need answers. The music is pretty generic.

Lyrics mentioning an underground habitat counter: 11

Starting hot again with the word “Beneath,” “To Be a Dwarf” is yet another song about tunneling and fighting for your dwarven brothers. While the whole album has felt like AI thus far, and tons of lyrics didn’t pass the smell test, it’s here where I stopped giving them the benefit of the doubt:

I will be the fire of the morning light (I swear!)
I will be the white of the mountain high (I swear!)
I will be the hammer beating on the anvil
To be a dwarf, it’s an oath we swearing us all

You will be the fire, sure, but the white? Huh? And, of course, that last line is very well constructed.

Lyrics mentioning an underground habitat counter: 14

The second “of the” track in the series, “Home of the Twilight,” is a neverending barrage of sentence fragments that seem entirely unconnected. It’s about dwarves returning home in a storm after a battle, and also it’s dark. It can’t help but use the phrase “flash of a thunder,” which thunder doesn’t do. That would be lightning. Luckily, these phrases are thrown at you so fast that you can’t think about them too hard.

Lyrics mentioning an underground habitat counter: 15

Finally, we get to slay a troll in the title track! I was damn tired after 5 songs that were exclusively about dwarves living in tunnels, drinking, and fighting side-by-side—generic dwarf shit. The song starts with a few references to Warhammer characters, so the lore is getting deeper now. I don’t know anything about this universe besides painting the little guys looks fun, but I was very sad that the lyrics never get to any troll slaying.

Upon this night
I will face the doom of the trollslayer
Forever bound
I will fight till the doom of the trollslayer is gone

Huh? We’re not fighting trolls, but fighting something else until “the doom of the trollslayer is gone?” How long is that going to take? I have a doctor’s appointment at three.

Lyrics mentioning an underground habitat counter: 16

The end of my made-up trilogy, “Legacy of the Forge,” is precisely about what you’d think it would be about, and not one thing more. Dwarves make stuff in a forge.

Lyrics mentioning an underground habitat counter: 17

“No More Sorrow” opens with a guitar riff that wasn’t picked out of a bargain bin, finally. Every second of this album is going for an “epic” vibe, which is insanely exhausting, but this song does it pretty well. Great vocal delivery on the chorus, no annoying melodies, just a good pseudo-ballad. Great job Wind Rose. And only a passing reference to living in a mountain? I won’t even add to the counter.

To their credit, only a few moments sound aggressively bad, and there are even a few riffs that I legitimately think are good and fun. There’s a comfort-in-familiarity feeling to folksy instrumentals and call-and-response anthemic chants. I get it. But I don’t. It’s corny, and 90% of the time, it’s so generic that it’s indistinguishable from the AI tracks featured on this great episode of Toilet Radio.

Anyway, since I’m objectively wrong, go see them at all these probably sold-out shows with Powerwolf and Hammerfall.