Cooking for Metalheads – The Fall Edition


In case Randall Thor’s ultra-obnoxious contributions to your Facebook news feed didn’t clue you in, it’s fall. In addition to turning leaves, Type O Negative, and cold November rain, one of the best things about fall is the unique culinary flair the season brings. Today you’re all going to go full basic with me and embrace your inner poser, because we’re cooking up some Pumpkin Soup.

Dubs’ Pumpkin Soup is a great treat for both the burliest boys and the daintiest flowers in our crowd, with a thick, creamy finish that always goes down satisfying. Even better, though, is the fact that it’s so easy that even you worthless Hot Pocket types should be able to make it. Let’s get to it, shall we?


  • 1 whole white onion (get out of my face if you can’t chop this without crying)
  • 1 bunch green onions (diversify your stock, homie)
  • 2 cans pumpkin puree (if it’s just a can that says 100% pure pumpkin, that’ll do, pig)
  • 1 family size can cream of chicken (I prefer my chicken liquefied)
  • 1 small cup of plain Greek yogurt (Chobani or GTFO)
  • Various spices (I like to add a Tex-Mex blend to everything, so I used chili powder, Tony’s, fajita seasoning, herbed poultry, savory seasoning, salt, Montreal chicken, and fresh garlic)

Prepare Your Veggies

1. This one should be a no-brainer. Grab a cutting board, a sharp knife, and your raw onion. Peel off the outer layer of the onion. If need be, slice off the top and bottom to make it easier to peel off the outer, worthless layers. Proceed to slice your onion, then cut each slice into smaller, bite-sized pieces.


2. Move your onion chunks to a saute pan. Grab your green onions and line them all up parallel to each other. With each slice, cut directly across all of the green onions. Pieces should be no bigger than the chunks of white onion. Keep slicing your green onions until you hit the white stems. Dispose of the wretched stems.


3. Pour a little bit of vegetable or olive oil onto your white onion pieces. Place the pan on a burner and turn the heat up to high. Saute your onions until the oil starts to sizzle. Leave the pan on the burner for another minute or so. Remove the pan and set aside for now.


Mix the Soup

1. Grab your crock pot and pour in both cans of pumpkin puree, the one can of cream of chicken, and the cup of Greek yogurt. If you have some extra chicken broth sitting around, pour that in as well.



2. Add in your veggies. Stir it all up until the puree, yogurt, and veggies are mixed into a nice homogeneous layer. If you can’t figure this out, give up.


3. Season to taste. I went a bit heavy on the fajita seasoning/chili powder/Tony’s because I like a combination of sweet and spicy, but if you want your soup to be a bit on the light and fluffy side, you may consider adding sugar, honey, or syrup to the mix.


Cook the Soup

1. Crank that crock pot to low and let the soup simmer for about 6 hours. Remember, you want to get this stuff creamy, so check it periodically. If need be, add some water and/or almond milk.

2. Enjoy. Eat some French-ass bread while you’re at it.


Musical Pairing

Much like the soup itself, we want something thick but not too heavy. Enter Umeå, Sweden’s Moloken. By combining the sludge/post attack of fellow Umeå residents Cult of Luna with some inventive instrumental flourishes à la The Ocean, Moloken create a rich texture that is both heavy and ethereal, dark and light. The kinda of sound that will warm your bones and mellow you out. It’s intriguing, a wee bit decadent, and multifaceted. Just like pumpkin soup. Enjoy!

Have any great pumpkin recipes? Share them in the comments below.
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