BDubs Bro Attends a Halloween Party
*iPhone alarm playing DMB goes off at 2:30 PM*
*song repeats six times before being turned off*
*rolls out of bed with five-alarm Friday morning hangover*
*changes out of threadbare Ed Hardy basketball shorts with gaudy Asian tigers*
*changes into unwashed No Fear camo basketball shorts from laundry basket*
“DON’T KNOW WHY ED HARDY WENT OUTTA STYLE BRO, THAT WAS THE SHIT!”
*wanders downstairs past awful bathroom smell, barely notices*
*prepares breakfast/lunch of protein shake, Red Bull and Totino’s pizza rolls*
*yells at unknown roommate completely out of earshot*
“GOTTA GET MY PROTEIN FOR BULK, BRO! I NEVER ROCK THE GYM ON FRIDAYS THOUGH!”
*hasn’t rocked the gym in four years*
*finishes shitty breakfast/lunch watching Sportscenter at deafening volume*
*peeks out window at neighbors’ Halloween decorations*
“OOOOOOHHHH! FUCK YEAH COSTUME CONTEST TONIGHT, BRO, HA HA!”
*roommates still completely out of earshot*
*throws trash in sink already full of trash*
*slams Bud Light*
*jumps in F-150, peels out of neighborhood at 60mph*
*blasts new Slipknot album*
“FUCKIN’ CRAZY-ASS ALBUM COVER, BRO! DOESN’T GET HEAVIER THAN THIS!”
*pulls up to Spirit Halloween store, parks across four spaces*
*walks in and rifles through discount costume bin looking for this, this or this*
*is unsuccessful*
“WHAT THE FUCK BRO I’VE ROCKED THOSE COSTUMES EVERY YEAR!”
*settles on this instead*
“HA HA HA BRO THIS IS A FUCKIN’ PUSSY MAGNET!”
*eagerly anticipates results of said pussy magnet*
*uses phone to look up porn in middle of store*
*cuts in line, pays for costume with sweaty dollar bills*
*jumps in F-150, peels out of parking lot at 60mph*
*gets home, slams two Bud Lights*
*slams a Four Loko to balance it out*
“WOOOOOO!”
*runs upstairs past awful bathroom smell, barely notices*
*tries on costume, feels more pride than at any point in entire life*
“WHUT WHUUUUT?! HELLZ YEAH BRO THIS IS DA TEEEE-ITS!”
*slams two more Bud Lights*
*takes Fireball shot*
“HEY BROS LET’S HEAD OUT!”
*nobody responds*
*walks two blocks over to friends’ house, screams at every group of trick-or-treaters he sees*
“WOOOOOO!”
*walks into friend’s house expecting…*
*actually sees…*
“AWW FUCKIN’ WEAK BRO WHERE ARE THE SKANKS?!”
*is stared at awkwardly by kids, parents*
“HEY KIDS YOU GOT SOME HOT MOMS, BRO!”
*walks over to parents’ beer cooler, slams two Blue Moon Pumpkin Ales*
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT BRO HA HA HA THIS FUCKIN’ SUCKS!”
*tosses bottles over fence*
*grabs & slams another one anyway*
*walks into kitchen, slams three vodka shots, helps self to bag of Doritos from pantry*
*grabs crotch, starts thrusting costume toward mothers*
“I’vE G0t A ShOCkING SecREt To TElL yOU lADIes… COME GEt… COME GETSSHOCCKED!”
*completely ignored by mothers*
“HeRe I’Ll sTARt…”
*slips on beer cap, knocks over bottles on counter, flips on garbage disposal*
*garbage disposal catches stray thread of costume, rips it in half*
*bro falls out of costume, exposing Madden 2014 boxer shorts*
*disposal becomes clogged with costume, motor catches fire*
*dad rushes in to extinguish fire, punches bro in face*
“BwUH! FUCKCin’ A BRo!!!”
*runs out of kids party, heads home*
*slams another Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale stuffed into waistband*
*bursts into house, calls for roommates in order to whine, get (more) drunk*
“HEY BROS! … BROS! … HELLO?!”
*finally notices awful smell coming from bathroom*
“THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL BRO…”
*opens bathroom door*
“GAAAAAAHHHH SHIT BRO! OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!”
*admires self in mirror*
*sprays Axe around to kill the smell*
*sprays bit on self*
*turns around to call cops, take roommates’ xbox games*
