Celebrate Halloween with The Scariest Movie Ever Made
Finally, a film that is unafraid to capture the terrifying presence of the Irish.
It’s no secret that The Toilet ov Hell is an unspeakable hellscape of horror. Simply poke around our archives and check out Leif and Dubya’s terrifying collection of short horror film reviews. Browse through the exhausting collection of horror film reviews, lovingly titled “Gimme Something to Watch“. Listen to our latest podcast about scary movies with my cohost 365 Days of HORROR. So believe me when I say that we know a thing or two about all that is unholy and spooky. That being said, watching every one of those films will not prepare you for the unsettling majesty of the film we’re discussing today. Lesser communities would lock this VHS in a vault and bury it under a protective barrier of concrete. But not us. For we are brave, we will sit still and watch through open fingers a movie that unfolds the true terror of the Irish. We will watch Halloween 3: Season of the Witch.
Halloween 3: Season of the Witch is an oft-maligned entry in the Halloween series, generally ranked somewhere below Halloween: Resurrection and somewhere above Rob Zombie’s remake of Halloween 2 in critical opinion among the grand oeuvre of franchise films. Released in 1982 on a budget of just $2.5 million, Season of the Witch was the first (and only) film in the Halloween franchise to eschew the presence of series slasher Michael Myers. Season of the Witch director Tommy Lee Wallace said of this decision, “It is our intention to create an anthology out of the series, sort of along the lines of Night Gallery, or The Twilight Zone, only on a much larger scale, of course.” Audiences hoping for more Michael Myers stabbings were sorely disappointed by this entirely different kind of horror film. Unfortunately, due to poor reception, the series reverted back to a dull slasher creature feature and horror fans otherwise overlooked a truly original and terrifying spectacle that was unafraid to present a clear-eyed, unflinching tale of Irish horror.
While other franchises like Leprechaun and Child’s Play have successfully lampooned the Irish in a horror setting, no other horror flick has dared to portray the stonehenged fright of these Papist devils. Season of the Witch tells the tale of an honest American man attempting to thwart the nefarious plan of an Irishman named Conal Cochran and his evil costume company, Silver Shamrock Novelties. I am unwilling and unable to recount a play-by-play of the entire plot as true terror is both unexpected and incomprehensible, however, I will describe a few key details.
Conal Cochran and his legion of dirty Irish have enraptured the good Protestant children of America with his twisted halloween masks, the must-have costumes of the year. These pagans have assembled a team of scientists using the perverse power of Stonehenge to broadcast a coded message to the children of our country on Halloween night – or Samhain as the potato eaters say. By watching their awful propaganda while wearing their Halloween masks, children are reduced to piles of vermin – an apt metaphor for the vile goop that the Irish choose to fill our children’s heads. Can our protagonist save the day or will Conal Cochran succeed in corrupting our youth with commands straight from Rome?
The full movie is available to rent on YouTube (or for free in less savory places). For the fearless among you, I invite you to watch the whole thing. Happy Halloween, boys and ghouls.