Gimme Something to Watch: Neowolf


Do you like edgy hard rock? Do you like werewolves? You’ll love hate this movie!

An aspiring musician must choose between true love and ultimate power when he’s seduced to the dark side by a lycanthropic rock band.

The following terms in the above quote are debatable: “musician,” “true love,” “ultimate power” and “lycanthropic.” Neowolf (aka The Band From Hell) is a 2009 film directed by Alan Smithee (always a good sign) and stars a smattering of bad actors of dubious geographic origin acting badly in, maybe, three locations that aren’t open desert. Cheap!

Here’s a quick plot synopsis: imagine you’re an average American and totally-not-European college student trying to “make it” in the music scene. You’re traveling across America in your brand new Mustang like all Americans do, when suddenly you pass a mysterious tour bus that has the power to change your radio to shitty modern rock.

neowolf_screencap2neowolf_screencap4Ah, is werewolf music bus, yes?

While somehow recording untold hours of video footage for your girlfriend on your dumbphone, you get a glimpse of shadowy figures jettisoning an ex-band member from said bus. Who could these average-looking Hot Topic patrons be? Surely not a rock band of werewolves? Perhaps this dude is getting kicked out because he has a bad habit of wandering off to play guitar and fuck in the goddamned desert.

neowolf_screencap5What hell, bro? Is bullshit!

Wolf Bus and Average Blonde American College Student Named Tony will soon meet again, but not before we’re subjected to the ins & outs of the relationship with his very indecisive girlfriend Rosemary, who appears to alternate between hating and/or loving him depending on whether it’s an even or odd hour of the day. Tony screwed up when he hit the road to sell his body music, so he coaxes Rosemary to an open mic night where he yarls out a please-help-me-get-laid anthem for the ages.

Blown away by the fiery musical talent they just witnessed, the wolf band naturally assumes this guy can make the leap from acoustic college douche ballads to totally hard rockin’ monster rock star of rock. He plays a single song onstage and is now a full-fledged wolf band member, with all the included wolf bus privileges.

neowolf_screencap6This our new guitar playing. He make fine werewolf. Is okay?

Rosemary and her thousand yard stare are suspicious, however, and she’s gonna get to the bottom of… eh you can probably guess where it goes from there, but here’s a few previews to help you piece it together.

neowolf_screencap7This clay hand. I make love with.

neowolf_screencap8I get on sale!

neowolf_screencap9This is way my family make poo squat. Watch out for boot!

neowolf_screencap10Sneeze coming maybe, am not sure.

neowolf_screencap11Why you do this to me?

neowolf_screencap13Another American with gun! Fuss az életét!

neowolf_screencap14He break nose getting off wolf bus. Is problem. Happen too much.

Neowolf is, unfortunately, available to rent via Netflix DVD, and makes a poor, poor addition to the burgeoning “evil werewolf shitty rock band horror” genre.

(images taken from DVD release)

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