Linkin Attila – Bulletproof: A Video Breakdown
Limp Attila, Fronz Biscuit, Attila Park, whatever you want to call it, everyone’s favorite most punchable face is back with a new video.
Rejoice everyone! Attila, the kings of genericore have returned to bring you the absolute best cookie cutter horse shit imaginable. You know Attila. You know they are bad and not good. You as a rational human being with common sense and basic cognitive functions struggle with the fact that other human beings purchase their music and attend their performances. Some people find them so off-putting that they would rather have sex in public than be faced with the prospect of actually having to listen to or watch them. Studies have shown that people that enjoy Attila are clinically brain dead and that cabbage is an intellectually superior species. Somehow, some way, this clown car of a band has procured the funding and the backing to record another album. Furthermore, they have duped people into filming a music video for said album. Because I’m a nice guy and I like all of you, I have performed the civic duty of actually having to listen to this drek so you don’t have to. With the power of gif technology, you can watch the highlight reel of this abomination of a song without actually having to hear it. For those who want to punish and torture themselves, you can watch the video for “Bulletproof” below. (Serious question: why in the fuck would you subject yourself to potential loss of brain cells by pressing the play button on this steaming pile of elephant shit?)
:05 – RED ALERT! RED ALERT!: They are jumping da fuk up, they are jumping da fuk up to a fart noise riff. You may also notice the shipping containers they happen to be jumping on. Why are Attila not inside these shipping containers on a one way trip to Antartica?
:16 – This one doesn’t move, but take a step back and observe the poor life choices in this photo like the bad hand tattoo, playing bass for Atilla and tactfully displaying knee cartiledge while playing bass.
:41 – Looks like some combo of Dee Snyder and David Lee Roth minus all the talent.
:44 – Shocker, Attila consumes Liquid White Trash Steroids
:46 – Linkin Park called, they want their chorus back
:51 – YEAH BRO YEAH BRO YEAH BRO YEAH BRO YEAH BRO YEAH BRO YEAH BRO
:58 – This is by far the least enthusiastic circle pit in the history of circle pits. Bravo Attila, you really know how to fire up a crowd of Juggalo asshats.
1:04 – Hand gestures bro, you see the way Fronz gestures with his hands? He’s trying to compensate for the fact that this song is softer than melted marshmallows.
1:10 – Fred Vanilla Ice Justin Bieber Durst
1:22 – Here the lyrics say something about kicking ass and taking names. This coming from someone who would get his ass kicked and his name took by a 5th grader.
1:48 – Fronz hungry after guzzling all that Monster Energy Drink, Fronz eat microphone.
1:53 – If you didn’t click play then I can tell you that this guitar solo is garbage.
2:37 – Through some Underpants Gnome scheme, Attila somehow makes money and they use that money to pay people to show up for their video shoots, jump up and down and act like they enjoy their music.
2:41 – Fronz coming back for a second helping of microphone.
3:22 – He’s actually not head banging, he’s counting in his head how many measures are left to play until this song is mercifully over.
Attila’s new album, Chaos will be released on November 4 through Sharp Tone Records. Or you can just wait until November 11 when you will find it in the cut out bin of your local record store.
For the love of all humanity and for the sake of your friends, your family and your children, do not under any circumstances like Attila on Facebook, Instagram or anywhere else where you may encounter their likeness.