Shirt Stains: Grab Bag


Hold your breath, close your eyes, stick your hand in, and get a big surprise.

No special theme or genre focus. No major ties that bind. Heck, no intro. Well, technically this is an intro, but not really, right? Crap, well, we’re already here so….yeah. How’re you guys doing? Good? Cool, cool. Well… um, let’s get started then.

Chelsea Grin – Chelsea Cringe

Chelsea Grin aka the band that isn’t Asking Alexandria, but might as well be, come at us with all the carefully crafted creativity and subtlety that they are known to possess. Are we far off from seeing Chelsea Grin’s frontman (I don’t know his name. Let’s just call him Yelly Grinshout) also trying to go the inexplicable country route like AA’s Danny Worsnop? Only time will tell. In the meantime, we can admire this hellacious shirt that was quite possibly ripped from a DeviantArt page. They just googled “Chelsea Grin” and “Glasgow Smile” and said “Oi! That’s alright, m8!” They just chose to ignore the extended Resident Evil monster-esque floppiness of the face and ran with it.

This shirt looks like they took someone’s embarrassing emo-phase photos off of MySpace and ran it through the worst third-party photo filters they could find. ChadRawr and xXKaylaKaBoomXx are going to be so mad when they find out. The managed to find all the drab colors with this one. It makes the design look extra mopey and mad that Mom wouldn’t drive them to the Further Seems Forever show just because it was a school night. At least their hair still looks silky, soft, manageable, and Zelda-like.

Slayer – Slayerween

Pfffffffffffft hahahahahaha! Nothing says “FUUUKKKKKINNNN SLAYER, MAAANNNNGGG! REIGN IN WAKAMOLE, AMIRITE?!” like a the only  rubber monster mask left in the Halloween store on November 1st. We’re getting to the point where this column should just be renamed “Slayer Stains” because they just keep showing up. They’re like the Hydra of bad merchandise: Release on good piece of merch and two bad ones take its place. The red in this shirt is very red and the green can officially be called “none more green.”  The eyes look like those crappy Boston Baked Beans candy, but slightly more melted. Does this thing have its ear and jaw pierced? It also has a Monroe! Hey, maybe Slayer shirt knows Chelsea Grin shirt!

This goofy mask is actually a great representation of where Slayer is today in the world. Young or impressionable people might find them scary. Many people might find them unintentionally funny or absurd. Others think they’re just shite. Most eventually move on as the dust begins to collect and pile up. Maybe it comes out for a special occasion or when someone is feeling nostalgic. It’ll probably come out during some drinky-drinky time. Then comes the hangover, the feelings of regret, shame, and finally, banished into the bottom of a box you go.

Lazarus A.D. – Snake Mummy

Remember when I said that the Slayer shirt had the “none more green” color? Yeah, I was wrong. That should belong to this Lazarus A.D. shirt. Holy cheap St. Patrick’s Day beer puke puddle, Batman! It’s like someone overstuffed a Leprechaun with yard trimmings, pickles, and Shrek jizz and then popped him like a balloon.

I’m not sure what to make of this design. How did it come up in discussions? Were there any discussions? Is that a mummy snake skeleton? A worm wrapped in gauze? Why is it wrapped around that…needle? Feather? Random bit of metal? Judging by the blood splatter, it looks like whatever that thing is is having a bad time. So if it’s bleeding, it’s not a skeleton then. Do mummies bleed? Shouldn’t dust be coming out instead of blood. These are the thoughts that keep us up at night. Well that, and the very real threat of nuclear war.

Lazarus A.D. called it quits back in 2015 after the death of their drummer Ryan Shutler. We like to goof around here, but you should buy some of the albums as a bit of good karma. They were quite good.

Especimen – Carnival Diablo

You may remember Especimen from a previous Shirt Stains native Spanish speaking bands. For those that don’t remember (or, more accurately, are too lazy to click the freaking link) Especimen are a hardcore punk band from Mexico. It’s also worth noting that their vocalist has great spiky hair. You can poke out plenty of La Migra eyes with those things. I might ask him to give my eyes a taste after looking at this shirt.

This is the cover art for the band’s album Al Diablo Satanas. You’ll recognize the intense devil from that link I provided (seriously, just click it, ya bum). That is a diablo who has seen some shit. Or is trying to hold one in. Both work. Joining Super Serious Satan is Sad Jesus, Jack Skellington’s younger brother Rusty Skellington and a fun assortment of knick-nacks, doo-dads, and skulls. Once they finish their meeting of the Midnight Society, they’re all going to that carnival in the background. They’ll ride the tea cups, playing games, and munch on cotton candy. It’s going to be a great time. So great you’ll forget that this shirt has a self-inflicted border on the sides and sleeves.

Aegeon – Smudge Life

Way to make a shirt that is simultaneously bright and muddy. It’s like throwing a flashlight into brownie batter. No light can truly escape it. There is only darkness and splotchy bits. It’s like a Clearisil ad for the metal youth. Maybe someone used the shirt as a towel a la Forest Gump and the band went “Eh. Good enough.”

I’m not really sure what this shirt is saying. “6 Eing”? No, that would be ridiculous. BEING! That’s it…and that’s the only thing that makes sense. 0720 2012? Is that Aegaeon’s pin code? Do I enter that into my phone for dirty talk with members of the band just ready to explode with time signatures and gushing with pinch harmonics? Yuck. At least they helpfully put them name at the very bottom of the shirt. Wouldn’t want people to easily identify your band with what may be a dirty table cloth.

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