Whiff o’ the Week (4/19/2015)
“Perhaps it’s impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be.”
Become what you despise. This is Whiff o’ the Week.
Welcome back, brothers and sisters. Today we remember the iniquities of the past and celebrate those who have have triumphed over them. Last time we met, I tasked you with determining the most egregious thrash whiff. You chose correctly and nominated the Nü-Djent your king for a day. Well done, Ted.
Next time we meet, your charge will be to bring me the worst and most catchiest songs imaginable.
- Identify the most awful ear-worm
- Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org
- Include your disqus handle, a blurb, and a youtube video
This week, we’re whiffing all takers as they come. Cast down the heretics with me!
The say everything is bigger in Texas. This also applies to the truck nutz.
Mother Shabubu III
A godforsaken lovechild of Weezer and Rammstein‘s worst qualities crammed into four minutes. The worst thing about this song: it will get stuck in your head no matter how hard you try to resist.
Cidal is the ghost in the corner that you see at night, smiling at you. Cidal is the kid at school that sits facing the wall, away from the class. Imagine how shitty your band would have to be to have played a show with them?
I’m just kidding on that last sentence (maybe). We’ve laughed/cringed at these dudes before, let’s do it one more time, shall we?
I hope the drummer eats the rest of the band.
I knew I was in business when I saw the neon microphone and the post swoop hair. This whole band and their fans are endlessly punchable. I feel bad for submitting this. Please accept my most sincere apologies.
Some things are lame; some things are for nerds. Some things are lame things for nerds. Fangs, crappy CGI, not staring at the camera, an ill fitting corset thingy, the guitarists fingers look like fat sausages and whose legs seem to be locked in a lunge position, and the drummer is wearing a mask. Why? Who knows. Symphonic metal is for nerds who think vampires aren’t lame. They are lame.
Well tbh, I didn’t hate this song. I kinda like it. It’s not as bad as Death Magnetic, but it has the same problems, one being that this is a Slayer song, and while Slayer have done much worse (even when Jeff was still around), you can feel that something is missing. Also I like how Tom is doing more than just screaming at high pitch.
This cannot possibly be the same band who wrote such classics as “Close To The Edge” and “Roundabout” but upon further examination, Yes it is. I can’t believe Jon Anderson did this, and I thank god Steve Howe wasn’t involved.
Nordling Rites ov Karhu
First things first. Yes, I included this to spite the one guy who probably won’t read this. And no, I don’t hate all Archspire songs. But The Lucid Collective is full of sweep picking and masturbation without riffs or songs. Some parts are repeated and these things may not be just soloing, but they are hardly more than display of speed and techniques. The very epitome of why Tech-Death is one of the worst genres, having produced only a handful of good bands (mind you, it’s because of this that I am always delighted to find a good TD band, which have mostly been introduced to me by Bauer). But, this. Fucking. Sucks.
From Bumfuck Nowhere, Michigan, I give you Afterbirth. Half-amazing, half-awful, 100% whiff. LISTEN TO IT NOW, you “faggot French fry.”
Who gets burnt at the stake today?
Feel free to defend any of these choices in the comments section and tell me what a turd I am for my opinion. Also, if you hate something I love, send it to me for the next Whiff o’ the Week! All opinions here are strictly those of the writer in question, although most of them are correct.