I Mostly Survived Michigan Metal Fest
Which actually wasn’t that hard. The surviving, that is. Music was hard AF.
(Metal Aged Mom wrote this article)
I’ve been wanting to check out Michigan Metal Fest (MMF) for a few years now. So when tickets went on sale for 2024, I bought a ticket before I even knew the line up. A VIP ticket even, lured by the promise of shade and private bathrooms. Bathrooms are, well, a big deal to me. Porta-potties are an agony that I try to avoid at all costs. They are, you might say, Toilets ov Hell. I figured there would at least be one band I’d want to see. I booked a hotel room near the festival and marked my calendar for August 24.
To be clear, I’m not really a festival kind of person. I went to Lollapalooza when I was in high school and saw Pearl Jam, a band I loved and still have a lot of affection for. I remember seeing Lush and The Jesus and Mary Chain, who I thought were kind of boring. As I look up the lineup, I see that Soundgarden is on the list. I have ZERO memory of seeing them. Like, right now, I’m going, “Did I fucking see Soundgarden and fucking forget all about it?” Maybe! I remember seeing Ministry and then Red Hot Chili Peppers, who closed the show. I also remember my twin sister puking into a cup as we waited on a curb for our dad to pick us up.
I also went to the Mad Cool Festival in Madrid in 2022 with my wife and son to see Metallica. Well, my son and I saw Metallica. My wife was somewhere else dancing to Carly Rae Jepsen or something. There were a lot of other bands, but I didn’t care to see anyone else. The bathroom situation there was horrifying and I am pretty sure it scarred my son, who was 13 at the time, for life. There was nowhere to wash your hands and no hand sanitizer to be found. In 2022 FFS.
When the MMF lineup dropped I saw that Mushroomhead was headlining and that (hed)p.e. was also one of the main bands. Not bands I’m into. I did not know a single other band. And I began to think, “Oh, no. What have I gotten myself into?”
And so I pulled up every band on Spotify and checked them out. A lot of the bands in the line up play what I call “fuck you” metal. A lot of songs about throwing middle fingers and hating people and wishing them harm. Not my bag!
Of all the bands there were four that I was interested in seeing. There was Voraath, a band that seemed visually interesting even though not the kind of metal I usually listen to, Nail Bite, young kids with a female lead who seemed like they’d be a lot of fun live, Quiescent Mantis, a thrashy insect-themed band from Knoxville, and Second Salem, a band that describes themselves as “post-hardcore goth metal.”
MMF was held at the Leila Arboretum in Battle Creek, the home of the breakfast superpower Kellogg’s. You know, the maker of Corn Flakes, the cereal invented by a guy who believed that “bland diets” would put a stop to sinful sexual desire. Also, Pop-Tarts! Anyway, the Arboretum is a very beautiful place. The kind of place I’d take my wife to on a day where there wasn’t a metal fest going on (she doesn’t like metal. She went to a Judas Priest show with me in 2018 and I haven’t made her go to a metal show with me since. Probably why we are still married).
When I arrived, I was waved in by an attendant to park on the grass, which was down what seemed to me and my little Subaru to be a very steep hill. I followed people trudging up the hill dressed in black and wearing metal shirts to the festival entrance where a guy gave a cursory glance into my backpack before gesturing for me to head on in. Right past the entrance was a line of food trucks and food stalls. I strolled past them seeing if anyone had anything vegan. They did not. Well, I take that back. There was an ice cream sandwich truck that did have two different vegan choices. I did eventually buy one and it was very good. But I’d been hoping for something a little more substantial.
Next I made my way through the different vendor stalls. Kids & Kreatures was selling a bunch of clothing for kids and adults, including a pink t-shirt reading “Don’t Touch Me” surrounded by a barbed-wire heart and a black shirt reading “Metal As Heck.” Bookmarked for the next time I’m looking for something to get my nieces and nephews that isn’t lame.
As I was walking past the My Merch Guy booth, a guy asked me if I wanted to sign his balls. He was referring to two enormous beach balls that many people had written on in Sharpie. I just said, “No thanks, I’m not into that.” I think My Merch Guy did all of the MMF merch. I bought a pair of mesh shorts from the MMF merch booth. I tell myself, over and over, that I have enough black t-shirts, which is how I justified this purchase. It’s not a t-shirt!
Darksyde Acres, purveyors of one of the biggest haunted houses in the world (according to their website, anyway), had a booth there and had a bunch of people wearing spooky as fuck costumes wandering around. One of them was a woman wearing what looked like a cracking porcelain doll mask with dark black holes for eyes. She will haunt my dreams forever. Later in the VIP tent I watched her eat a granola bar, which was kind of funny because she had to manipulate the mask in order to eat. Made her a touch less scary.
Did I mention it was very hot? It was very hot. I hope those costumed creatures survived.
I made my way to the VIP tent and picked up my VIP lanyard and got unlimited free snacks! This was a godsend because they had those little Smucker’s peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You know, the ones that are round with no crust. Vegan food at last! There was also a bar in the tent and a big tub with bottles of water. The water was free. I don’t know about the alcohol because I don’t drink. Every once in a while I’ll get crazy and have a White Claw at my sister’s house. But that’s really it.
The VIP tent had two portable restrooms (apparently the industry-preferred term. Other terms include porta-potty, porta-john, and… Honey bucket? WTF? Honestly, I find that far more disgusting than simply calling it a “shitter”) behind it. They were, of course, sitting out there in the blazing sun. Since it was early in the day I decided that if I was going to brave using one, now was the time. It was, mostly, okay, except for what looked like a partially digested hot dog floating on top of the refuse. I should not have looked. What is wrong with me?
VIP Toilets ov Hell
Did I mention I was wearing my Toilet ov Hell t-shirt? I was wearing my Toilet ov Hell t-shirt. It gave me courage.
The first band I caught, at the very goth hour of 1:00 in the afternoon, was Second Salem, a Detroit band fronted by trans goth god Gerard D’Lor who does clean singing and growling. D’Lor is pretty fucking mesmerizing on stage. He takes the myth that there are only two genders and grinds it into dust with the heel of his black boot. I’d only heard their song “To Paint the Angels” prior to the fest because it was the only one I could find online, but I liked it quite a bit! I watched their set right up against the gate in front of the stage like a screaming fangirl. Except I wasn’t screaming, just sweating. But by the end of their set I was sold. I bought a patch and eagerly await their debut album. Recommended for fans of Unto Others, In This Moment, and Burning Witches.
Gerard D’Lor from Second Salem.
I made my way back into the VIP tent to get some shade and some more Uncrustables. From there I watched part of My Own Will’s set (which you can watch on YouTube). My Own Will is from Oxford, Michigan, sadly made famous for a school shooting in 2022. Before the song “No Justice,” vocalist Dave Keoppen said, “I wrote this one when I was pissed off about Breonna Taylor being gunned down while she was sleeping.” My bleeding leftist heart was glad to soak in some heavy AF social justice metal.
I then caught some of Voraath, from North Carolina. They call themselves “a sci-fi horror-inspired extreme metal band.” On stage they dress as “Veilwalkers,” wearing hoods and black face coverings with red light up eyes. I suspect it would probably have been more impressive after dark. I mean, they clearly brought it, though, sunlight be damned, literally and figuratively. Not going to lie, they reminded me of Chubbles, a 1980s plush doll who made “laughing” sounds when the lights were turned on or off and his nose lit up. I had one when I was a kid and I loved him. Don’t judge me. Recommended for fans of Aptera, Gaerea, and Dargor.
Next up! Quiescent Mantis. Upon first arriving at the festival, I found their little blue pop up tent where they were selling CDs, patches, and shirts. “You’re one of the bands I’m here to see!” I said. They seemed kind of surprised by this? But pleasantly surprised. Under the tent, which was kind of falling down around them, was guitarist Chris Trainor, bassist and singer Jordan McKenzie, and drummer Johnny Mejia. I bought their CD and the, like a dum-dum, walked away without having them sign it. They gave me a patch, which was sweet.
Jordan Mckenzie of Quiescent Mantis
They also played on the Leila Stage at the very thrash metal hour of 3 PM. Again, I was right up against the fence. For the first song, at least. Trainor kept imploring people to make a pit, even going so far as to tell us to act like the person next to us was our enemy. Well, the person next to me was a woman I didn’t know in a low cut top who looked like she was going to have a nasty sunburn by the end of the day.
Full disclosure: I hate mosh pits. I am a woman of a certain age. Not only will my bones snap like twigs, but I do not like touching people I don’t know and this dislike only grows the sweatier those other people are. So I avoid mosh pits at all costs. Trainor’s call to mosh was my cue to move away from the stage. I watched as other people moshed, including two shirtless guys who could not keep from slapping their sweaty pecs together.
McKenzie has a great stage presence and his stage patter was entertaining. He did not tell us to kill each other, though he did mention his sweaty balls. He also smiled a lot. It was clear he was having fun. Once I’d moved away from the stage, Mejia was no longer visible for the most part. But by the sounds of it he did a great job! Recommended for fans of Evil Invaders, Overkill, and Power Trip.
I headed back to the VIP tent for some ice water just in time to see a woman with no pants on running toward the tent. And by no pants I mean she was wearing a leather g-string. She talked to a security person who then ran to the VIP tent and a woman behind the bar table ripped open a bag of washcloths and began dunking them in the bottled water tub like she was born to do it.
Inside the VIP tent.
What followed was a kind of wet washcloth brigade where people from the VIP tent passed the washcloths down to the pantless woman at the fence who went running off with them. Very shortly after that a security cart headed in that direction. My best guess is that someone had some kind of heat-related illness. It was impressive to watch how well the MMF folks, many of whom are volunteers, sprang into action. I do hope that whomever needed the washcloths is okay.
On the Darkside Stage, a.k.a. the main stage, around 4 PM, was Nail Bite from Lancaster, Pennsylvania. They are children. I don’t say this disparagingly. I don’t know how old they are, but I would be surprised if any of them can legally buy a beer. I’d bought their album Welcome to Partyland via mail prior to the fest because I was digging what I heard online. When it arrived, it had absolutely no information – no track listing, no credits, nothing about the band. But it was signed by all four members, so that was cool.
Lonna Nelson and Johnnie Bitting from Nail Bite.
It’s been hard to find info about Nail Bite online. They’ve got a healthy social media presence, but I couldn’t find a bio or anything. From what I could dig up, the band consists of siblings Lonna Nelson on vocals and Caiden Nelson on keyboards, Johnnie Bitting on guitar and vocals, and John Bitting on bass. Are John and Johnnie siblings? Are they the same person? I do not know. All I know is that there were six people on stage and I have only four names. Nail Bite goes hard, as the kids say. Lonna Nelson’s vocals alternate between, well, girly cleans and then fierce as fuck death growls, something that surely surprised some folks since she was dressed like she was going to a youth group meeting on a prairie somewhere. Their song “Little Friend of Mine” has been pathologically stuck in my head for weeks. Recommended for fans of Conquer Divide, Soilwork, and Svalbard.
And then, well, I died. Okay, I didn’t die, but I have chronic insomnia and I had hardly slept at all the night before. This did not set me up for success when it came to attending an all day festival. I sat in the VIP tent for a bit, drenched in sweat and thought about how I should push through and stay for Mushroomhead. But alas, I could not.
Instead, I headed to my hotel while it was still daylight, checked in, and then, because I neglected to bring a suit, went swimming in my Toilet ov Hell shirt and my underwear (boxer briefs, I’m not a sicko). I was by myself, it was silent, and it was glorious. There was a sign that read, “Absolutely no one is to enter the pool without another person or to swim alone.” As I floated around by my lonesome, thankfully I didn’t drown. Because I know why that sign was there. But I have to say, I felt pretty fucking metal.
All photos by Metal Aged Mom
