Shirt Stains: Masks


Wear a mask, damn it!

When bands first started selling face masks, I cringed. I felt it was a way to make a quick buck off scared people who also wanted to let the world know that they listened to Anal Blast. I also felt that it put workers at risk, making them go to a warehouse to crank out merchandise that will probably not be needed in six months. Well, thanks to our government’s shrugging emoji of a pandemic response, constant interference with the medical and scientific communities, and people’s inability to not go to a bar and slurp down a Coors Banquet while spit-talking into a stranger’s eyes about football, the need to wear a mask is still needed. The way things are going, it looks like 2021 will be more of the same. I was wrong.

If bands throwing their logo or name onto a mask gets people to wear them, great. The bands get a bit of money trickling in since they’re not touring and the companies that are making them get to keep their doors open a little while longer. These are all good things. Personally, I don’t feel the need to get one because a) I don’t go out all that much, b) a black cloth mask gets the job done c) my record collection isn’t impressive. But that’s just me. You do you, as the kids say. Or said. I don’t know anymore.

Unless, of course, you’re a mayor under investigation for corruption. In that case, you probably shouldn’t let the world know you’re a big fan of the band that wrote All In The Family.


Maybe an American Head Charge mask would have been more appropriate. Eh, maybe not.

I digress. Ultimately, as long as you wear a mask while around others, that’s all that matters. Protect others and protect yourself. That’s what really matters. For the most part. Like blasting Cannibal Corpse out of your ’98 Honda Civic at a red light, some heavy metal things are just so aggressively unnecessary that they just…shouldn’t. Here are some band masks that fit into that category.

Ha ha ha. He he he. Ho ho ho. Oh, those jokesters in Cattle Decapitation. Those clown princes of death metal. They’ve really outdone themselves with these knee-slapper face masks. Everyone loves memes and who wouldn’t want them all over their face when they have to go to Target. Sure, I don’t recognize or remember some of these and 2021 is quickly approaching , but this will never be dated. And unfortunately, the ‘literally no shows’ gag isn’t even true.

The laughs don’t end there, though, because CD has a special gift just for you fans willing to plunk down your dollars. Normally, a mask wouldn’t have anything printed on the inside because, well, why would it? No one is going to see it. Not this Cattle Decapitation mask, oh no. Wearers get to have a butthole right on their mouth. HEINEY-LARIOUS. A real taint-tickler. If you’re feeling real edgy while venturing outside to purchase some Coco Puffs, you can (gasp!) wear the mask inside out. Take that, grandma! You’ll probably think twice about buying soup now!

Still worried about being “The Wrong 12 Fuck With“? Have no fear, because Dying Fetus is here to ensure that you get thrown out of the Woolsworths. This references Dying Fetus’s song so eloquently referenced in the mask’s artwork. Your boss will absolutely love that you’re greeting customers with a mask depicting bestiality and matricide. That’s just wholesome content. Maybe that’s just a weekend mask when you meet up with your bros at Dave & Buster’s for a round of pretzel dogs and Coronaritas.

Let’s be honest; if you’re wearing something that says “DYING FETUS” on it, you really don’t care what other people think. You want to freak out the squares and normies. Throwing up the devil horns during family pictures and gurgling “Tearing Inside The Womb” lyrics at the library is just who you are. No one is going to change that. Not your mom, not your court-ordered social worker, and not basic decency. If they can’t handle you at your Dying Fetusest, then they can’t handle you at your Dying Worstus.

Remember for that month or so stretch where people (aka racists) were convinced that the pandemic started from people eating bats? Ozzy (read: Sharon) wanted to capitalize on that with a tasteful “Fuck Coronavirus” mask complete with a mask-wearing bat. The mask came free with a purchase of a t-shirt with the same design, just in case you wanted a long-sleeve shirt that says “Fuck Coronavirus” on it. The electric slime green color really makes it pop off the fabric and go directly into your cerebral cortex. The exclamation point makes sure people know you mean business. No ambiguity here.

Sure, Ozzy’s had massive hits across multiple decades, but let’s never let an opportunity pass where we can bring up the time he bit the head off a live bat. Man, how did Cattle Decapitation miss squeezing that on to their mask? There’s always 2021, I suppose.

While Ozzy’s mask was pretty straightforward about Coronavirus, Mushroomhead’s mask is straightforward about everything. Right to the point. FUCK. Or is it FOCK? Maybe it’s pronounced FmushroomheadCK. We might need an accent or an umlaut somewhere in there. Yeah, that’s it. This is just a miscommunication issue and definitely not a dumb as hell design made even worse because it’s printed over a sea of logos. Sure. We’ll go with that.

At the end of the day, it’s more important to wear a mask than it is to goof on a band for bad merch or a person for wearing said bad merch. You also don’t need to “be metal” at all times. This helpful tweet cuts straight to the point.

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