A Child’s Treasury of Terrible Jason Alexander Music Videos


Jason Alexander is a very rich man. During the last season of Seinfeld, dude made $600,000 an episode (over $800,000 (!) in 2016 dollars) and his current net worth is valued at around $50 million.

Now, it may be tempting to think amassing such an obscene amount of wealth is the result of a series of carefully planned, crafty financial decisions. Of course, you’re reading the Toilet ov Hell, and we’re not exactly about smart monetary moves.

Just a decade after Seinfeld’s finale, our boy Jason took a job as the world’s oldest delivery boy in a music video that makes absolutely no sense which he also directed. Alexander plays a nerd who splits his time between getting insulted by the BDubs bros to whom he delivers pizza and getting insulted by his parents (Estelle Harris and…William Shatner, because apparently Jerry Stiller couldn’t stand to hear Mrs. Potato Head talk about her fetish for marching band music) for sitting around the house watching Brad Paisley’s cam shows. Before you think we’re supposed to feel sympathetic toward our apparent protagonist (can you have one when there’s no plot involved?), Alexander steals Paisley’s identity just to prove to the viewer that the world is a terrible place full of straightforwardly evil people acting without reason. This was prior to Paisley getting sensitive. On the plus side, this video features my future ex-wife (bite me, Thrashnkill) dancing in the Matrix with Kellie Pickler, so, uh, 10/10. Great stuff.

Of course, a video of such caliber doesn’t just appear out of thin air. These two luminaries had previously struck gold in 2003 with the video for Paisley’s “Celebrity,” in which Alexander plays himself and bukkakes “milk product” all over a barista who is surely as confused as I am. But while “Online” at least attempted at humor, “Celebrity” mostly just features Paisley’s own creepy high-school-pot-dealer countenance on a fake American Idol stage yet somehow more boring. 1/10

Apparently, as an act of contrition for assaulting a barista with lactate in “Celebrity,” Alexander agreed to play two dueling latte artists in this fantastic video for the greatest band of all time, Nickelback. Everything about this is terrible and the only reason I gave the last video a 1 was so this could be lower. 0/10

As you can see, Jason Alexander has made some awful decisions that have somehow not affected his money in the slightest. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of his cultural cachet: the sagacious, wise, definitely-not-the-dregs-of-humanity critics that lurk his IMDB message board (kill me) have deemed Alexander in his post-Costanza career “overrated as hell,” “a closet case,” and, most damning of all, “a tratitor to bald men everywhere.” These hot takes have surely dealt irreparable damage to his social standing, but at least user poetryrocksalot (who has yet to rate a single film yet has apparently debated mp3 player usage in Korean action movies) still believes he’s “a real comedian actor.”

What do you think? Is the former George Costanza a brilliant guy or has this post just reminded you of your dislike of this man? Was he in Bye Bye Birdie? Was he great in Dunston Checks In? Was anyone great in Dunston Checks In?

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