Parents: It’s Time to Talk to Your Kids About Fleurety
Through the blackest magic of biology, your loins have brought unto this plane of existence the pestilence of living, breathing, shitting children. And although you despise these little sociopaths so deeply that you can hardly bear to look at them and must drink yourself into an analgesic stupor nightly in order to go on living with what you’ve made, you are legally bound to serve and to protect them from harm. So, it falls to you to talk to your kids about the newest scourge of the streets: Fleurety. Do it before some shady pusher with scum for a soul does.
Fleurety has been available on the streets since 1993. Since then it has appeared in a variety of forms, from pills and powder to liquid and cassette to CD and vinyl. Like the greatest of parasitic substances, it has evolved over time to suit the shifting needs of its users, to the point where now it can offer something to virtually anyone. Translation: NO ONE IS SAFE.
Least of all your feeble-minded loin-spawn, so impressionable, so eager to be cool. Talk to your children in whatever limited vocabulary they are capable of understanding; teach them about the pitfalls of Fleurety before it lays waste to their future. Or don’t. But if you choose not to neglect your parental duties in this matter, here are some talking points:
- Fleurety does not care about you.
- Fleurety does not care about your health, your family, your mortgage, your dog or your beet garden.
- Fleurety only cares that you start using it early and that you use it often.
- Fleurety may give you fuzzy warm feelings and make life seem interesting to you—it might even take you to strange new dimensions and show you fantastic vistas of tachycardia-inducing beauty—but it will not hold your hair back when you’re on your knees in front of the toilet, donating the contents of your stomach to the Sewer Gods.
- When the ride is over, Fleurety will not comfort you with words of hope; nor will it make you a hot cup of tea; nor will it drive you to the ER or call an ambulance if per chance you’ve had too much.
- Fleurety will get inside you, use you up and leave you to die.
The latest form of this nasty substance was synthesized in a government lab and the kids are calling it Fragmenta Cuinsvis Aetatis Contemporaneae (the drug is popular amongst teens in Latin Club). The high induced by FCAC consists of two phases. Phase 1, “Consensus”, will cause you to hear voices for a brief moment before plunging you into a seizure of trashcan blasts, off-kilter guitar twangery and vile black noise. Adrift in this confusional maelstrom of horrific delights, you may vomit a swarm of locusts or clamor to shove the nearest sharp objects into your ears. Chemical analysis reveals that this is not Fleurety in its purest form, rather a clever synthesis with a rare substance known to pushers and addicts as Zweiss. The comedown is somewhat less than pleasant: do not be alarmed if you experience chittering static and the lugubrious tinkling of a piano for up to twelve hours.
Phase 2, “Carnal Nations”, is a mellower high. You will quickly become lost in phantasmal clouds of narcotic melancholia. Woozy guitar solos will surround you like levitating, deceptively corporeal serpents. Any attempt to free yourself of their dance will only cause further entanglement. The comedown is identical to the high itself; you may never know whether you are sober or high again.
These are the men responsible for flooding the streets with FCAC. Learn their faces well.
If you’re the kind of hypocrite who will steer your kids away from bad life choices only to embrace these choices yourself, then as of January 5th you can purchase seven inches of Fragmenta Cuinsvis Aetatis Contemporaneae in vinyl form from a black market entity known as Aesthetic Death (I think they sell music too.) Further information about the dangers of Fleurety can be found here and here.
(Pusher photo VIA)