Review: All That Remains – Antifragile

These are some tough times we find ourselves in. So tough in fact, that even this perfect specimen of human genetics has been forced to take on a second job simply in order to make ends meet. That’s right, your boy Brock Samson has been forced to take on another job apart from my roles as OSI Operative, Venture family personal guard, and dissonant metal shit-poster. It’s rough out there friends, but worry not about me and mine. I have this exciting new career opportunity before me. One where I shall become insanely rich while maintaining dominance over lesser examples of our species. That’s right, I have officially become the operator of a ride at your local carnival. Wallow in jealousy, plebs.
First stop on my new and flourishing career path is the beautiful American Northeast and all the definitely normal people that occupy it. This should be an uneventful foray into a new field. Let’s see. Ride working optimally? No, but close enough. You get what you pay for, you know? Alright, let me get going and welcome the eager children and their enthusiastic parents. Welcome, welcome! My first real customers and they are filled with joyous anticipation. Wait a second, what do we have here? Ah man, already going to have to deliver my first rejection to an eager individual wanting to be with the rest of the cool kids having fun. Man, this individual looks optimistic and is definitely not being an emotionally stunted cretin on social media platforms. Alright, lets get this over with. Hello sir…kid…or something. I do apologize, however, as the sign clearly states you must be this tall to participate. Hey, hey! No need to squeal at me in that auto-tuned and whiny voice! Rules are rules my boy, and pretending to be more than you are won’t work with me. Please stop crying publicly and blaming your problems on those around you rather than gaining introspection and realizing the error of your previous ways.
Ok, that was a bit awkward, but the first run of this fabulous ride has reached its end. I will just make sure everyone is safe as they exit. HEY!!! I see you man boy thing. I know it’s still you, you’re just in a camo trench coat now sitting on the shoulders of those who have carried you this far. That’s right, I know its you and no amount of shitty facial hair can change that! What’s this, you start crying again about how you’ll get back at me by complaining on some unspecified alt-right echo chamber television news program? Sure, go for it. Whatever helps you feel like people actually like and respect you. I am going to continue to assist these other children, I have to go.
Man, what a strange creature. Let me continue to provide a great time to all these wonderful folks. Welcome, welcome, why thank you for coming young miss. Pleasure is all mine! GODDAMNIT, I see you! Stop calling my customers homophobic slurs just because you lack the emotional maturity to properly work through personal issues! No amount of chest puffing and gun barrel stroking will make you tall enough to ride. I don’t care if that stupid fucking hat you always wear covers that spotlight of a dome and makes you one centimeter taller. You’re not even halfway to the height marker.
You know what? I’m just gonna chase this sad excuse for consciousness out of here. I warned you, all this tough guy bravado and insult-hurling won’t get you anywhere with me. That’s why I am going to present you with the most horrifying thing you have ever seen. An adult medium t-shirt. You see this here? No matter how red your face gets, how many steroids you inject, or how many leg-extension surgeries you undergo, you will never be tall enough for this ride or fill out a normal size piece of clothing for an adult. I get it, you used to be kinda alright back in your heyday, but the inability to adapt and mature both mentally and socially simply means you are not getting on. Also, your music fucking sucks.
Antifragile released independently on January 31.