Shirt Stains: COFFEE! METAL! SHIT!

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LIVE. LAUGH. SHIT.

I’m not a coffee drinker. Nothing against it, I just don’t particularly like the taste and the only time it was ever really in my house growing up was when we had to sit shiva and bust out the giant percolator. Something about smelling a hot, fresh pot of coffee always makes me think of death and sadness. Hmmm, maybe Folger’s should try that slogan. Really rope in the goth and doom metal crowd.

Coffee drinkers really like their coffee. I mean, reeeeeally like their coffee. Someone is probably deeply disturbed by my lack of java enjoyment and telling me I just haven’t found the right brew yet and should really give Joey Kramer‘s Rockin’ & Roastin’ Organic Coffee, Korn Koffee (how do they not have a blend called ‘Ass Itch‘?), or Green Day coffee (how do they not have a blend called ‘Dookie’?!?). To be fair, I’d even take a sip of Dave Mustaine‘s coffee that stopped being produced in 2009 over big tuff boy right-wing grifter coffee. Some coffee drinkers like it so much that they wrap their personality in their coffee mugs.

We’ve all seen these being sold, usually running the gamut from cute to aggressively political. Mugs for your sports team, animals, family members, religion, and, yes, musical preferences. All of them loudly proclaiming that you have something to say and it can only be said while slurping down some steaming hot bean juice. Sometimes they can be a bit confusing, like this one.

 

COFFEE. METAL. SHIT.

Those are the biggest, boldest words on the mug, so you’re naturally going to see those things first. You’re going to read it fast, especially if you’re just walking past your co-workers cubicle, desperately trying to not make eye contact or get caught up in small talk. I know coffee can get your tum-tum going, but you may want to consult a doctor if this happens.

Even upon closer inspection, you’re still not going to read it properly.

DRINK
LISTEN TO
ME
AND
GET
COFFEE
TAL
SHIT
DONE

Close, but let us try again.

DRINK LISTEN TO COFFEE.

METAL.

AND GET SHIT DONE.

Nope, that’s still not right. Words are hard, man. Impericon, what are you doing to us? Impericon? Is that a band? A label? I’ve never heard of them.

Oh. Huh. How about that? You can hit some spinkicks while waiting for the Keurig to finish. Got to throw it down to support the scene and Q4 earnings reports. Maybe just stick with a plain mug to avoid problems with HR.

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