Shirt Stains: Grind Your Gears
It’s hard to #StayGrind when your threads aren’t fly.
Grind. Crust. Powerviolence. Anarcho-punk. Vegan-Friendly Animal-Liberation Post-Queer Spazzcore. For the sake of brevity and sanity, let’s just lump all those together. A majority of shirts from these genres tend to look the same: Black shirt, white writing, band name, and usually a real-life image of social injustice, highly-detailed art, graphic art, or a gas mask. Most of those are cool. A little formulaic, but still cool. That’s not what Shirt Stains is all about.
Sorrower – Who Stabbed the D.R.I. Skanker?
Yeah, it looks a little bit like D.R.I.’s famous symbol, but I’ll give Sorrower the benefit of the doubt. This picture looks better suited for a Saturday morning cartoon than a metal band. That skull-face is downright cute. Even the various knives and daggers in its back could find a place on CuteOverload.com. Who’s a little sneaky murder victim? You are! Yes you are!
What happened to his left leg? Is it just fading into the mist? Did they just not finish drawing it? “Oh fuck, the shirt design is due today? FUCK FUCK FUCK. Yeah, it’s done. Just take it!” And whats going on with his left hand? It’s as big as its head and is all gnarled while its other hand looks normal. I mean, it’s better than anything I can drawn, but then again, I’m not drawing anything that will be plastered across some beardo’s chest. Also, a missed opportunity not having the skull-face’s butt crack hanging out.
Extreme Hate – Pfffffffft
Extreme Hate are from Indonesia, so maybe something was lost in translation when it comes to artwork. This bit of pop art is more suited for a Roy Lichtenstein exhibit and Burger King onion ring containers. It’s not bad, but what the hell is it doing on a shirt for a band with a song called “Flattering Suicide”? And why isn’t the drummer wearing a hat? Someone didn’t get the memo for “Hat Day Fridays.”
Let’s take a look at the writing on the front too. “RRRAAAAAWWWKKK!!!” may be the most accurate thing ever put on a grindcore band shirt. When someone asks you what the band sounds like, you just point to that word and then slam their head into a toaster.
“Let’s bang your fuck’n head!!!” may or may not be a threat. I haven’t decided yet. Is skull-fucking legal in Indonesia? Perhaps you need a permit. “Aarrgghh..” may be my new favorite thing ever. It’s the only saying on the shirt that doesn’t receive three exclamation points. Hell, it doesn’t even get one. Maybe it’s an unsure or pensive “Aarrgghh”.
Magrudergrind – Have You Ever Been On Acid? You Have Now
Wowwie wow wow zazoooooga! I’m probably missing something and I’m sure one of you stanky crustoes with a Doom backpatch can explain to me what’s going on with this shirt. There’s so much going on, and I don’t understand any of it. Why is Biggie there? Why are there oms? AK 47s? Is that Jim Jones up top? I don’t know! Make it stop! I want to get off the ride!
People suffering from concussions use this shirt to describe how they’re feeling. People that speak in tongues think this shirt doesn’t make sense. The army uses this shirt to determine if people are fit for combat. Kanye West uses this shirt as a mirror.
Assuck – Good Idea, Bad Execution
Set jimmies to maximum russleage. Don’t worry, I won’t say anything bad about the band. I’m sure this will chap a few greasy grind butts, but come on. It’s just not a good shirt. The real problem with it is that everything is smooshed together, like it was drawn on a napkin and the artist just ran out of room. Any message that the shirt tries to convey is lost because it’s kind of hard to tell just what’s going on. It’s about animal testing and baptisms right? Or maybe it’s one of those “Hang In There, Baby” posters from the 70’s. This is an example of having a good idea, but not executing it well. Maybe a splash of color would have helped. Some nice pink and purple flowers and a nice, happy little cloud. Don’t worry, it’ll be our little secret.
Pig Destroyer – Perg Derstroyergh!
That face. That stupid fucking face. While art for this shirt is better suited for Cannibal Corpse, it’s fine. Graphic and can’t really be worn out in public and those legs dangling at the top right of the shirt come from nowhere, but fine. I get it. The shirt has nice shades of different bowel movements. Good work, everyone. And this guy isn’t going to be much of a “Prowler In The Yard” when he has no feet. You can just briskly walk around him on your way out the door.
But what the hell happened with this guy’s face? That’s the face a baby makes when you jiggle car keys. That’s the face the crowd makes at a Dane Cook show. That’s the face you make when you accidentally sit on your junk. That’s the face you make when someone asks you to go to a midnight screening of a Michael Bay movie. That’s the face you make when you pay $25 for this t-shirt.