The Ballad of BDubs Bro: Chapter 1: I Bro, Therefore I Bro
*iPhone alarm playing Red Solo Cup goes off at 11:45 AM*
*wakes up with ever-present cheap beer half hangover*
*stretches for two seconds, does six push-ups*
*feels pride in his proactive workout schedule*
*admires self in mirror with Under Armour stickers in corner*
“I LOOK FUCKIN’ SWOLL, BRO!”
*changes out of slept-in basketball shorts*
*puts on different pair of basketball shorts*
*opts out of brushing teeth, bathing*
*heads downstairs to living room with overbearing odor of feet and crotch*
*has two Monster Energy Drinks and bag of Doritos for breakfast*
*plays Madden NFL 25 for three hours*
*first roommate (also wearing basketball shorts) enters living room*
“SWEET YOU FUCKIN’ PLAYING SOME MADDEN BRO?”
*high fives roommate in mutual appreciation of Madden franchise*
*plays Madden with roommate for another two hours*
*stands up, shouts “OOOOHHHHH!!!” each time he scores*
*second roommate (wearing a different variety of basketball shorts) enters living room*
“SUP BROS TIME TO RAGE ON SOME FUCKIN’ BAGS!”
*shuffles out to overgrown, weed-strewn lawn*
*kicks waterlogged cardboard Natty Ice box into retired neighbor’s yard*
“CAN’T RAGE THE BAGS WITHOUT SOME FUCKIN’ BEERS BRO!”
*opens cooler left outside for past four nights*
*slams four warm cans of Bud Light*
*blasts Theory of a Deadman on stereo*
*retired neighbor politely asks bros to keep it down, makes good-natured self-deprecating joke about his age*
*is ignored entirely, drowned out by chanted chorus of “BAD BAD GIRLFRIEND! HA HA FUCKIN’ SLUTS BRO!”*
*high fives roommate in acknowledgement of sluts*
*plays bags with roommates for two hours*
*all throw hands in air and shout “OOOOHHHHH!!!” each time they score*
“BRO I’M THINKING IT MIGHT BE TIME FOR SOME BDUBS, BRO! BDUBS! BDUBS! BDUBS!”
*slams another two warm cans of Bud Light in celebration of going to BDubs*
*goes inside, changes into formal basketball shorts and finest Aeropostale t-shirt*
*completes ensemble with faux-distressed Tapout hat*
*briefly considers wearing this instead, decides to save it for next BDubs trip or upcoming career fair*
*douses self with two types of Axe Body Spray*
“AIGHT LET’S GO FUCKIN’ RAGE SOME BDUBS AND ROLL SOME COAL, BROS!”
To be continued…
(header image via) | (first image via) | (second image via) | (third image via) | (fourth image via) | (fifth image via)
