The Ballad of BDubs Bro: Chapter 2: Et Tu, Basketball Shorts?

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 Previously on The Ballad of BDubs Bro…

*runs out to garage with overbearing odor of yard waste and stale beer*

*opts out of driving roommate’s black Ford F-150 with camouflage trucknutz and this bumper sticker*

*chooses own, red Ford F-150 with diamond plate trucknutz and this bumper sticker*

*peels out of quiet suburban neighborhood at 60mph*

*rolls coal the entire fucking trip*

bro_coalroll_collage

*blasts Five Finger Death Punch on stereo*

“THIS IS THE FUCKIN’ HEAVIEST SHIT EVER, BRO! YEAH GONNA GET OUR DICKS WET TONIGHT!”

*high fives roommates in anticipation of wetting dick*

*screams “WOOOOO!!!” out window after spotting woman several blocks away*

*pulls into nearest BDubs, parks across three spaces*

*spots Toyota Prius in adjacent parking space with unassuming mother and daughter inside*

“COAL ROLL TIME, BRO! FUCKIN’ A RIGHT!”

bro_coalroll

*slams on gas, rolls coal for two full minutes*

*all throw hands in air and shout “OOOOHHHHH!!!” the entire time*

*roommate rocks hips toward exhaust pipes to represent sexual intercourse with truck*

*walks into BDubs, ignores hostess and grabs table nearest to giant flatscreen*

bdubs_exterior

“Hey guys! My name is Katie and I’ll be your serv“JUST GET US THREE BUD LIGHTS.”

*high fives roommate in appreciation of asserting himself by interrupting the waitress*

*waitress brings drinks over*

“So you guys thinking about some food tonight? We’ve got our spec“THREE ORDERS OF BONELESS JALAPENO WINGS.”

*leers at waitress’ ass as she walks away*

“LOOKS EDIBLE TO ME BRO HA HA HA, WOO!”

*high fives roommates in mutual appreciation of waitress’ ass*

*plays five Jason Aldean songs on internet jukebox*

*watches 12 different sports games on 40 different TVs*

*all throw hands in air and shout “OOOOHHHHH!!!” each time a team (any team) scores*

bro_eatwings

*slams four more Bud Lights*

*winks at waitress as she helps another table*

“CHEcK THiS OUT bRO, MY nNUTS ARE GONNA… GOnnA BE On HER ChIN BY TEh NEXT C0AL ROLL… YOu FUCkiN WatCH mE BRo…”

*slides off barstool, drunkenly shuffles toward waitress*

“SO WHaT’s IT GoNNa TAKE tO OpeN THosE LeGS FOR BuSIN…”

*basketball shorts snag on sharp splinter of wooden chair*

*heavy chair drags behind, pulling basketball shorts lower*

“GEt ThE FuCK… OFF Me BRrO!”

*kicks chair away, immediately yanking basketball shorts down to ankles*

*filthy Rockstar Energy Drink boxer shorts exposed to entire restaurant*

*trips, ricochets off table, falls backward onto floor*

bro_equation2

*splays and kicks legs in vain attempt to free self from knotted, treacherous basketball shorts*

“FUuUCK!”

*roommates point and laugh mercilessly*

bro_pointlaugh

*grabs table to pull self up from floor, spills young boy’s chocolate milk all over boxer shorts*

*gets slapped in the dick by upset young boy*

“FUCkIN’ MOtHERFfUkCIN BULLsHIT BRO!”

*slams one more Bud Light from table*

*abandons roommates, runs mortified out of BDubs to parking lot*

bro_upset

To be continued…

 

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