The Top Ten Metal Mascots: The Definitive Ranking

By W.

October 2, 2015

8865

235

We metalheads are a peculiar breed. As much as we love maligning Buzzfeed and other basic things that normies enjoy, we sure do love our totally objective lists ranking different aspects of our cherished genre. We flock to lists like soccer moms to one-day Target sales, and if we disagree with a list, no level of base reprisal is beneath us. Poser accusations, IRL trolling, and death threats are just par for the course when it comes to dealing with someone else’s taste. However, in the spirit of uniting us all under the banner of metal, I think I’ve concocted one list on which we can all agree. This is the best and most perfect list, and you’re probably some lame Dave Matthews Band fan if your list doesn’t align with mine. Behold, the definitive ranking of the ten greatest heavy metal mascots.

10. The Table – Sure, most tables are made of wood. However, after James Hetfield, crooner for garage band Metallica, declared, “I am the table!”, President Barack Obama signed an Executive Order that all tables must henceforth be made of metal. Just like that, tables became the most ubiquitous mascot for our beloved franchise, reminding metalheads all over the world that we are all united in our need for raised flat surfaces.

Greatest Strength: Four sturdy legs.
Greatest Weakness: Lack of drawers for storage.
Shining Moment: Dinner time at the ToH Bed and Breakfast.

9. Vic Rattlehead – Rattlehead is the ossified mascot of Megadeth. He’s changed his look a few times over the years for different periods of ‘Deth’s career, but he has always embodied the old adage of “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil”, which is kind of weird because I’m certain he’s heard Risk and Super Collider. Vic would be higher on this list if he had a better gig.

Greatest Strength: Has the patience of a saint for putting up with Dave Mustaine all these years.
Greatest Weakness: He’s blind, deaf, and dumb.
Shining Moment: Being a blind, deaf, and dumb skeleton-man but still convincing the world’s leaders to let him cast some sort of spooky curse over an alien.

8. Chaly – Chaly is a horned skull with wings. He can do super cool stuff like firing lasers from his eyes and electrocuting stuff with his wings. He’s typically found in New Jersey hanging out with Overkill, but fans have more recently spotted him on the back of lifted trucks just above the chrome truck nutz.

Greatest Strength: Managing to stay relevant despite being overshadowed by his Hot Topic-employed nephew.
Greatest Weakness: Due to the Jersey Shore pronunciation of his name, it’s impossible to talk about him without sounding like a douche.
Shining Moment: Being so menacing that some silly humans built a temple shaped like him out in the jungles of Cambodia.

7. Hector – Hector is a level 70 elite paladin who has been battling alongside Hammerfall for much of the band’s storied career. He is the wielder of the sacred hammer that guides the templars to fight for love, justice, and friendship. But test not his patience, for he will surely smite the untrue with the fury of a thousand thunderclouds.

Greatest Strength: Absurdly high STR, DEX, CON, and CHA starting stats.
Greatest Weakness: An aura of virtue so potent that it repels all members of the fairer sex.
Shining Moment: Being drawn by none other than SAMWISE DIDIER, the most famous of all Hobbits and artist for the fabled Warcraft franchise.

6. Abbath Doom Occulta – Fenriz is pretty cool, I guess, but whenever I think second-wave black metal (the only true genre of music), the only logical choice for mascot is Abbath. His guitar and drum skills are surpassed only by his ability to look fabulous in corpse paint. You know him, and you love all of his work.

Greatest Strength: Giving zero craps about anything, thereby embodying the feel-good hedonism for which black metal is so widely known.
Greatest Weakness: Lack of chest hair
Shining Moment: Starring alongside Leo (yes, that Leo) in Titanic.

5. Eddie the Head – Eddie the ‘Ed, as his dear mum calls him, is this super cool zombie guy who has been touring with Iron Maiden since before even Bruce Dickinson joined the group. WOW! He’s also a shape-shifter and therefore probably a lizard zombie-person, having appeared throughout time as a cyborg, pharaoh, and alien monster. You just never know where Eddie is going to pop up next!

Greatest Strength: Can shape-shift to blend into any time and place.
Greatest Weakness: British.
Shining Moment: Being born as the Seventh Son of the Seventh Son, granting him his magic lizard shape-shifting powers.

4. Set Abominae – Set Abominae is basically the American version of Eddie the Head. Like his old-world counterpart, he can travel through time, shape-shift, and is generally believed to be immortal. He’s also part of a race called the Setians that predated humans here on Earth. Despite basically being a scary Antichrist, he’s also humble enough to hang out with a bunch of dragon-banging nerds. How thoughtful!

Greatest Strength: Not British.
Greatest Weakness: An army primarily composed of weeaboos that isn’t particularly menacing.
Shining Moment: Assassinating JFK.

3. Corpsegrinder’s Neck – No one really knows where it comes from or where it starts and ends, but George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher’s Neck has been a staple of the death metal community for years now. A pillar, some might say. Sturdy as a tree trunk and supple as a sailor’s fingers, Corpsegrinder’s Neck has led Cannibal Corpse into what might be considered the most consistent period of their career, earning them critical acclaim and commercial success. It is solely because of Corpsegrinder’s Neck that Cannibal Corpse is the biggest band in death metal. When you think of brutal music, you surely think of Corpsegrinder’s gyrating chin muscle.

Greatest Strength: Writing Kill despite an apparent lack of attached appendages.
Greatest Weakness: Chris Barnes’ Dreadlocks.
Shining Moment: Few people realize it, but Corpsegrinder’s Neck is actually the inspiration for the world tree Yggdrasil in Norse Mythology.

2. Snaggletooth B. Motorhead – Snaggletooth is the plucky mascot that has led Motorhead to rockstar glory for nearly four decades. That’s some staying power! The key to Snaggletooth’s awesomeness is that he’s like a war pig dinosaur who gets drunk on bourbon and comes home soused and violent and you hide in your room cuz you’re scared he’s gonna get the belt and oh god he’s yelling about the dishes again i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry…

Greatest Strength: You can always count on him to bring the booze to the party. Will ensure no on leaves alone.
Greatest Weakness: British.
Shining Moment: Beating Baphomet in an arm-wrestling competition, thereby guaranteeing Lemmy’s continued ability to cheat death for the past decade.

Are you ready?

Brace yourself.

The number one heavy metal mascot in the entire world is coming up next.

You don’t look ready.

You’re not even wearing pants.

Go put pants on first.

Then you can see Number 1.

I’ll wait.

__________

Oh lord, why did you choose those pants?

Yellow? Really?

Who do you think you are, Dr. Rockzo?

Man, I can totally see the outline of your junk.

Ugh, fine. I guess you held up your end of the deal.

Okay, here it comes.

You know what, why don’t you take a seat first.

No, not there. On the sofa.

I want you to be comfortable.

Okay, let’s do this.

__________

1. Dave Grohl – There is no greater icon, no more inspiring tale, no more powerful deity in all of heavy metal history than Dave Grohl. Dave Grohl taught the Acclaimed Metal Vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven the secret to becoming the Most Powerful Wizard. Dave Grohl taught Abbath how to play guitar and drums. Snaggletooth and Eddie were literally created after Dave Grohl pulled them out of the Queen’s dreams with his own beautiful hands. Dave Grohl built the first table and sent Kurt Cobain to heaven prematurely because he had accomplished all that could be done with the guitar. Dave Grohl is the only champion fighting for true rock today. He is the voice of this generation and every other. The only reason they don’t give him a Grammy for “Best Metal Performance” every single year is because he, in his generosity and humility, has asked that other contestants be acknowledged every now and then. Dave Grohl is the end all, be all of metal. The alpha and the omega of brutality. Hail him.

Greatest Strength: Chanting his name cures sterility.
Greatest Weakness: Once lost a rock-off to Jack Black
Shining Moment: Coming down to our mortal plane and giving us blues, rock, and heavy metal.

Okay, now’s the time to share your identical list in the comments!

(Photo VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA)