The True, Inarguable King of Physical Media: A Monologue

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NONE OF THAT DIGITAL SCUM, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW IT’S THE FORMAT THAT MATTERS, NOT THE MUSIC.

I’M WHAT YOU CALL THE/A REAL DEAL. A CLASSIC MUSIC DESERVES A CLASSIC PLAYBACK, AND I AM AFRAID OF SOUND QUALITY–TYPE OPERATOR. AND I’VE HAD MY FILL OF THESE NO GOOD WAXHUFFERS. THE “I COULDN’T IMAGINE PLAYING MY COLLECTION OF POORLY RECORDED, OBSCURE EIGHTIES METAL ON ANYTHING HIGHER QUALITY THAN AN L.P, AND THAT’S WHY I APPLY THIS LOGIC TO BRAND NEW, DIGITALLY RECORDED, ENGI-SNEERED, MIXED AND MASTERED RECORDS TOO, BECAUSE I’M A FRICKEN MORON” TYPES.

WELL LA-DI-DAA MR. BIG CITY MISTER, SIR. A FRICKEN EL-AND-PEE, SIR, SPIN-ME-AROUND-AND-CALL-ME-DAISY, SIR. YOU’D PREFER A CASSETTE SIR? A CASSETTE!? WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR? WELL LET ME TELL YOU A THING OR TWO, THIS AIN’T ONE OF THEM BIG CITY FANCYPANTSVILLES, I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW, GO BE BANKER SOMEWHERE ELSE. WE’LL HAVE NONE OF CLEAN SUITS AND WAXED MOUSTACHES, AND RICH PEOPLE NEWSPAPERS, NO SIR. ABSOLUTELY TOP-HOLE, SIR. WITH A YIN AND YANG AND YIPPIEDEDOO.

‘ROUND HERE WE WANT OUR MUSIC ON GOD’S GOOD FORMAT, THE ONLY ONE HE INTENDED. BECAUSE ‘ROUND HERE WE CARE ABOUT OUR MUSIC. SO SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND SNORT COKE LIKE LIKE IT’S THE EIGHTIES, GOD’S OWN FAVOURITE DECADE, AND HAND ME THAT DISKETTE. AND BY JOVE IT BETTER BE FLOPPY. IT’S THURSDAY MORNING AND ONLY TWO DAYS ‘TIL SATURDAY AND I WON’T HAVE MYSELF FEEL BAD ABOUT MY PERFORMANCE UNDER MY OWN ROOF, YOU HEAR ME.

THAT’S RIGHT, LAD, YOU CAN GET TIRAN’S LATEST EP, [DIGITAL SCUM] ON A 3 12 ” FLOPPY DISK. A RAW DEAF ‘N’ WRASLIN’ GOOD TIME, AS THEY SAY DOWN AT THE DOCKS, YOU KNOW. YOU COULD TRY YOUR HAND AT REBORN CHAOS, THE WAY I BECAME FAMILIAR WITH THEM MYSELF, TOO, BUT YOU’D HAVE TO GET IT ON CD. AND BECAUSE NO SELF-RESPECTIN’ AUDIOPHILE WOULD EVER BOTHER WITH THE CLEAN, STERILE SOUND OF A CD, I MEAN WHERE’S THE FECAL MUSH, IT JUST DOESN’T BREATHE AS WELL, AND WE’RE ALL GOOD, SELF-RESPECTIN’ AUDIOPHILES HERE, AREN’T WE, LAD.

ANYWAYS, LAD, THE MISSUS SAYS THEY”RE GOOD FOR CHUCKING AT GEESE WITH, NO DECAPITATION GUARANTEED, FROM HER GARDEN. AND I RECKON, IT’S ONLY 7€ TOBY, THAT’S NO MORE THAN EIGHT QUIDS IN HER MAJESTY’S STERLING, WHY YOU’D NOT ONLY SUPPORT THE BAND, TOBY, YOU’D ALSO GET A VERY NICE AND CHEAP BEER COASTER. AND MAYBE YOU’D RECKON SO TOO, LAD. THERE’S A NEW, NICE AND TIMELY SINGLE OUT TOO I HEAR, “COVID-19” THEY CALL IT. MAYBE HAVE A LOOK AT THAT TOO, IF YOU’RE GOING LAD.

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