Who Should Replace Ivan Moody in Five Finger Death Punch?!?!

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The big music news of this week revolved around Worst Metal Song of All Time winners Five Finger Death Punch. For those not in the know, a quick recap: due to various complications during a FFDP performance in Tilburg, Netherlands, Ivan Moody, the band’s vocalist, quit mid-performance. He is rumored to be returning to rehab and has been replaced by something called a “Tommy Vext” in the interim.

This is not the first time Ivan Moody left his band in a lurch. If you’ll recall, Moody quit the band last year mid-performance and had to be replaced by fellow adult baby Phil Labonte for the remainder of their tour. What’s a band to do? Five Finger Death Punch is a huge money-maker in an industry that has few big, profitable bands left. There’s no way they hang up their novelty dog tags and call it a day just because Moody is unreliable. Instead, the FFDP boys have the unenviable task of finding a new red-assed idiot capable of respecting the troops AND hawking Monster energy drinks simultaneously. Allow us to suggest a few candidates.


That Chode from King 810

David Gunn has the requisite amount of premature balding and impotent tough guy posturing to be a perfect replacement for Ivan Moody. Like Moody, the King 810 also has a penchant for waving around guns and writing lyrics about being extremely bad ass. Can he move away from sing-rapping and match Ivan Moody’s trademark growl-sing? Literally no one cares!

Toby Keith

Rather than simply replacing their current vocalist, FFDP can upgrade their marketing potential by finding a new vocalist even more jingoistic than their last! Toby Keith has proved himself over his three-decade career as the lowest common denominator in music. What better way to aggressively target the lucrative military spouse market than adding another armed services enthusiast who also never served? Executives, take note: FFDP + Toby Keith = $$$$$$$$.

Martin Van Drunen

He’s better than this, but I’d like to see him make that FFDP money.

A Gun

Bald, loud, and symbol of American decline? I can’t think of a more appropriate replacement.

Who would you like to see replace Ivan Moody in Five Finger Death Punch? Let me know in the comments.

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