Shirt Stains: Five Finger Death

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*insert vague military jargon here*

Are you Knuckledicks ready for Five Finger Death Punch’s new album? It’s called And Justice For None and it’s out on May 18th…wait, I’m sorry. If you want the true Five Finger Death Punch news experience, you have to stand up, place your hand over your heart, shed a single tear and scream at the top of your lungs. At least, that’s how I think they want you to read it based off the fact that almost everything on the band’s website is in ALLCAPS. Anything to help you get your message across to the masses over the sound of roaring monster truck engines and unpaid child support. If yelling doesn’t work and fetishizing guns doesn’t work, there’s always merchandise. There’s pillowspervert masks, candles, and all sorts of expensive, unnecessary crap out there. Today we can just stick with the basics.

Once your eyes have stopped melting from the 80’s-tastic background, you’ll notice that this here Five Finger Death Punch shirt features three disembodied wolf heads wearing crowd. At least I think they’re supposed to be wolves. They could be some sort of bear or rabid wombat. Seems odd to have three heads and not five since it’s, y’know, in the band’s name. Why they have electric eyes, I don’t know. My guess is they drank too much Monster Energy and ascended to a new level of consciousness. Or they caught guitarist Zoltan Bathory’s dreads in the eyes and are in absolute agony.

I’m not sure why “Five Finger” is smaller than Death Punch. Maybe the designer realized that they messed up with the three heads instead of five and wanted to minimize the damage. “Do you think they’ll notice?” whimpers the designer, tugging at the American flag doubling as a blanket. “P-please don’t tell them. They’ll sic a bald eagle with Glocks for wings on me. You know how moody Ivan gets!”

As a Five Finger Death Punch fan, it is more than likely to enjoy weaponry. Maybe it’s guns and bombs. Perhaps it is a totally 100% authentic samurai sword that you got at the “eastern” shop in the weird corner of the mall. Maybe it’s sweet ninja throwing stars that you have to hide from your mom. Either way, you’re a total badass and no one would dare mess with you or your country, brother. No gall-dang terrorist sumbitches will ever take away your Freedom Fries and thickburgers!

The braintrust Five Finger Death Punch knows all this and has decided release a shirt where a skull-faced soldier has tank barrel doubling as a penis. “I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY TANK DICK!” screams Chet Bulletsack as he’s dragged away by authorities for disrupting his daughter’s dance recital because they didn’t start with the Pledge of Allegiance. This is the shirt for people that get into fights at Chuck E. Cheese’s. This is the shirt for people that are banned from attending their kids’ Little League games. This shirt is for people that talk about freedom of speech in one sentence and then say athletes should “shut up and play” in the next.

This uncomfortable-looking shirt is, in fact, a Five Finger Death Punch shirt. I wouldn’t expect their fans to want to drape themselves in faux-velour, but sometimes you have to go to Buca di Beppo with your 3rd wife’s parents. It’s for when you need to look your best, but let everyone know that you will back up your F-150 into every Prius you see. Twice if they have a Bernie 2016 sticker. The extra short looking sleeve allow your pasty arms the freedom they need as you reach for the bottom mac and cheese at Golden Corral. The band’s mascot in the upper corner lets everyone know that you will cut them with a butter knife if anyone takes the last slice of Snickers pie.

This shirt comes from the Five Finger Death Punch “Signature Collection”. For the sophisticated meathead in your life. For the person that has to yell “Semper Fi”  at all public gatherings. For the mom that can’t believe Family Dollar doesn’t have any yellow ribbon to tie around the old oak tree. We can only hope that the Signature Collection also includes perfumes, intimate wear, and divorce papers. Give the people what they need, Ivan.

Sometimes it gets a little chilly out, so a Five Finger Death Punch shirt is not enough the entire Preamble to the Constitution you had tattooed across your stomach in Comic Sans font. Have no fear, jarhead. Five Finger Death Punch has got your six with this jacket that looks like it was stolen from a Harley Davidson-themed restaurant.

If that first jacket isn’t your style, you can always slide your garbage can-shaped body into a varsity-style Five Finger Death Punch shirt. Now you can relive your glory days of being a walk-on tackle in high school or when you used to bully people because they didn’t look or sound like you. Maybe both!

It makes total sense that an amped-up aggro band like Five Finger Death Punch would have their own special blend of coffee. Sure, it wouldn’t be the first thing I’d think of, like an energy drink or an at-home STD testing kit, but definitely in the starting line-up. It also makes total sense that a band that worships guns and pretends to be in the military would team up with a company called Black Rifle Coffee.

The Utah-based company is owned by veteran Evan Hafer who seems to be the living embodiment of a Five Finger Death Punch song. The company is possibly best known for sort-of pledging to hire 10,000 veterans. That’s great until you realize that this was done in response to Starbucks pledging to hire 10,000 immigrants in the wake of Trump’s initial travel band. The intentions aren’t noble when it’s done as a reactionary response with problematic undertones. It’s “Blue Lives Matter” all over again.  With in-your-face blends like “Coffee, Or Die”, “Murdered Out”, “Silencer” and, surprise, surprise, “Thin Blue Line” they’re an ugly motocross jersey away from being the sixth member of FFDP.

There also seems to be an unhealthy obsession with hatinghipsters“. Why do I get the sense that “hipster” isn’t the true word they want to use? Everyone involved in this coffee acts like they’re two seconds away from greeting people with something like “Libtard” instead of “Hi”. Or, perhaps, “liberal f*ck-stick”. A nice company for a nice band. May they all huddle together under a “Freedom Blanket” for all eternity until they resort to cannibalism when the MRE’s run out.


 

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