Shirt Stains: Jon Schaffer Is Not Sorry
You remember Jon Schaffer, right? Of course you do, but just in case, here’s a reminder: Jon Schaffer was the guitarist and mastermind behind Iced Earth and Demons and Wizards. He also destroyed his life by trying to meekly overthrow the United States government with his goober friends in the Oath Keepers. Schaffer’s big, dumb goat face was clearly seen during the January 6th insurrection. After bravely going into hiding for a while, he was eventually caught. Despite ratting out all his Gadsden Flag-waving buddies, the bard behind such classics as “When The Eagle Cries” and “Im-Ho-Tep” was jailed and received a pissy and shitty taste of his own medicine.
After completely blowing up his musical career in defense of a pudding-brained billionaire that a) doesn’t know he exists, b) would hate his music if he heard it, and c) wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire, Schaffer did what anyone does when they hit rock bottom: become a Born-Again Christian. While he didn’t exactly strike much of a conciliatory note, it seemed, briefly, that Schaffer was trying to turn over a new leaf. Perhaps it was an effort to get his main source of revenue back or in hopes of not getting incurring the wrath of jilted militia buddies.
It didn’t last long. Whether it was because his former bandmates weren’t calling or because Donald Trump gave blanket pardons to over a thousand people for doing his dirty work, Schaffer has decided to go full circle and double down on being an obnoxious shithead. Resurrecting his conspiracy-addled side band, Sons of Liberty, little Jon has fully entered the bottom-of-the-barrel dead-end “HAHAHA I’M NOT SORRY!” portion of his career. Just look at the new merch he’s selling.
The shirt comes pre-washed with loser stink. There’s no self-reflection. There’s no apologies. This is pure, uncut “I’m a giant fuckhead and I know it” sensibilities. Using the well-known picture of your stupidest life mistake to promote yourself is bad enough (like Trump’s mugshot being put on merch) but to then use AI is the douche cherry on top.
Needing AI to changing your scowl to a smile, removing the bear mace you were carrying that day, and ripping off Todd McFarlane’s Spawn while having the gall to call yourself “Truth Metal” is such a massive level of cognitive dissonance that Schaffer should be given a Cabinet position in the Trump Administration. And, of course, to still be a whiny Libertarian pissbaby, his hat says “1765” which I assume is a reference to the Stamp Act, because waaaaaaaaah taxes or something.
And then we get to the back of the shirt. Oh, the back of the shirt. If you ever needed a visualization of “impotent rage” this is it. It tries so hard and manages to not try at all. Jon Schaffer fancies himself an patriot or a rebel, but he is just a sad, bitter old man clinging to fantasies of being a “patriot” in spite of where his life has led him the past few years. Even his insults are old and weak.
Straight out of your dumb uncle’s Facebook page comes this shirt. Another horrific computer slop-job featuring Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, and uhhhh John Adams (?) flipping the middle finger and bras d’honneur. That’s stupid enough, but underneath the picture it says “DEFEAT CORPORATISM!” Ahh, yes, because no one hates coporatism like DONALD FUCKING TRUMP. Absurd any way you look at this. Especially if you look at the back of the shirt. Just gotta throw that “See? We don’t like fascism either” in there just to throw off the scent. No one is buying it. Unless there was stock, then Trump would buy and sell it.
That right there would be a replica mace canister just like the one ol’ Schaffer was going to use to, I don’t know, spray Nancy Pelosi in the face so that his big, sweaty President could keep his job or something? See what I mean about no remorse? Not only is his involvement a source of pride, now it’s a chance to make a couple of bucks from the other MAGA freaks that are happy to be paying higher gas prices, getting cripplingly sick from our food, and now caught in another endless war in the Middle East.
As far as I can tell, there’s nothing actually in the bottle. It’s not like a hot sauce or anything. It’s just a hunk of plastic or metal with a sticker on it. And isn’t the “Liberty Mist” just an incredible metaphor for the latter years of Jon Schaffer? A big, stupid, useless thing that likes to pretend it’s dangerous. It’s empty. It won’t do anything. But it likes to pretend. Just like Jon Schaffer.
