Sweater Stains: Merry Fishmas
It’s beginning to look a lot like Fishmas, everywhere you go.
This “Ugly Sweater” trend needs to die. Right now. It stopped being funny approximately two seconds after it became a “thing,” and yet it’s somehow managed to stick around a few years. Nothing says “fun” like being forced to go to a work party with people you don’t like wearing something that’s both itchy and violates the Geneva Conventions. But thanks to some entrepreneurial metalheads, now you can show Diane in Accounts Receivable your br00tal side.
Yes, I know these are “supposed” to be ugly, but these go above and beyond, offending all senses and possibly some new ones previously undiscovered.
Slayer – Taste Hates Us All
I have to believe that Kerry King personally designed this sweater. There’s no other explanation for how something so hilariously hideous could have been made. Plus, it’s funnier to think of a bespectacled King, hunched over an artist’s easel sketching out this design with notes like “Not enough pentagrams!” or “Oops! Forgot to put band name on it!” and shouting, “Tom, honey? Can you bring me some more hot cocoa? The Peppermint kind! Thanks, sweetie!”
I can’t decide which is worse: the potpourri of inverted pentagrams or the world’s happiest skulls. Those skulls couldn’t be happier to be on this thing. Miss America contestants don’t have smiles that big. ‘Deal Or No Deal’ models think they’re overdoing it.
It’s hard to ignore the weird color pattern on this long-sleeved Kick Me sign. I can’t decide if this is a black sweater or a red sweater. Why are the sleeves a different color? It makes the sweater look like a sweater vest and the thought of Slayer fans wearing sweater vests may be the greatest Christmas gift of all.
Continents – Why? I mean…just…why?
The title really says it all. Why would you put this on your merch? Is it supposed to be funny? Shocking? Where are you supposed to wear this? Definitely not to work if you want to keep your job. Not on a date if you ever want to have someone other than a physician touch you for the rest of your life. I was actually all set to induct this Attila sweater, but this band managed to out-Attilla Attilla. Mostly. I mean that thing is just as terrible. And part of a weird and baffling trend that I don’t want to explore.
Normally, I would make some sort of joke about Continents’ music, but I’ve never heard of them before. I could make a clever pun using one of their song titles, but I couldn’t name a single one. I actually had to double check to make sure they were actually a band and not a new fetish club in the bad part of town.
The second biggest problem with this sweater? It’s not even a sweater. It’s a sweatshirt.
Chelsea Grin – I hate Mom and Dad, but I love Christmas
Got angst, but still want to get into the Christmas spirit? Well Chelsea Grin have a sweatshirt for you. The band that isn’t Asking Alexandria want to make sure you embody the true meaning of the holiday season with this festive sweatshirt. Let mom and dad know just how you feel about that iPad they got you when you clearly asked for an iPad Air 2 W-Fi + 16GB. Gawd, you’re so stupid and the worst parents ever and you don’t understand me!
Please note: Shirt can only be sold to people aged 18 and under. Must have at least two regrettable piercings. One bad tattoo may be substituted for piercings. Must refer to yourself as “Molly Mayhem,” “Stevil,” “Andy Armageddon,” “Jennacide,” or something equivalent.
Hurry, supplies are limited. This offer won’t last. Restrictions may apply. Sorry no CODs.
Metallica – Oh jeez…I think I’m going to puke
Looking at these two, uh, things, legitimately makes me nauseous. I think it might also be giving me vertigo. If you stare at them too long, a part of your brain shuts off and you can only speak in Hetfield-eque “Yeeaaahhehoooohhs.” Magic Eyes give me less of a headache than these things. Police are legally allowed to beat you in custody if you’re arrested while wearing this.
I’m not sure if these are technically sweatshirts or just long-sleeved shirts, but it doesn’t really matter. They are both an affront to all that is good and decent in this world. Metallica, I award you no points and my God have mercy on your soul.
Five Finger Death Punch – Yes, I saved the best for last
Broseph: Check out my totes sweet FFDP sweater.
Broski: Dude, that’s awesome. It goes with your coal rolling Ford F-150.
Broseph: I know! Gunna look so fly one my date tonight with Amy.
Broski: Is she the one with the blonde hair and the tattoos of her sons’ names on her wrists?
Broseph: No, that’s Amy B.
Broski: Oh, my bad. Is she the one that always wears a g-string and works at Spencer’s?
Broseph: No, that’s Amy G.
Broski: Is she the redhead that gave you a handy at Mayhem Fest during Avenged Sevenfold?
Broseph: Yeah, that’s the one!
Broski: Niiiiiice. *Fist bump* So where are you taking her?
Broseph: Buffalo Wild Wings.
Broski: You going to get the Tablegating Sampler?
Broseph: We’ll see how the night goes, if you know what I mean.
Broski: Aw, yeah. And if it doesn’t work out, you can always come back to my place and we can wrestle naked.