Ostrichcopter II: Sharkjet Strikes Back
A few months back I told you about Bart Jansen and his macabre biomechanical monstrosity, the Ostrichcopter. Turns out Mr. Jansen was unsatisfied with desecrating just the corpse of a humble flightless bird. Now, the mad scientist has returned with a diabolical new abomination to take vengeance against a society that shunned me.
First there was the Catdrone. In 2012, Jansen’s beloved cat Orville was tragically struck down in the prime of its life by a rogue passenger vehicle. Jansen vowed that day that he would not rest until he had breathed life anew into Orville and unleashed him upon the cruel world of men. Bizarrely, people loved Orville, despite the fact that the beloved house pet was now a quad-copter cyborg that could easily infiltrate your peaceful suburban home through an open window. I blame the toxoplasmis gondii parasites that have slowly been infecting our brains ever since we brought cats out of Egypt.
Then, in 2013, Jansen appropriated the corpse of an ostrich in order to live out his sick, twisted fantasies of becoming the hero from the Joust video game. One can only imagine that he has every intention of mounting this winged terror and riding it to victory over the sneering, flightless soil-trodders stuck here on Earth. However, to achieve such a decisive conquest and to claim supremacy, Jansen realized he would need more than one cat and one ostrich. He would need a veritable army of winged locusts. So he looked to those who may be sympathetic to his cause.
Pepeijin Bruins was in an emotionally compromised state when the devious Jansen and his maniacal partner Arjen Beltman approached him on a misty morn when the fog from the sea-dykes had smothered the city in a somber, portentous blanket. The 13-year-old’s beloved pet rat Rajtetoe had lost its fight to cancer the previous evening and was granted rest by a sympathetic vet. But that rest was not to be. Bruins, with tears on his cheeks to match the soft streaks of condensed fog on the window panes, was desperate to see his sweet Rajtetoe moving once more, so he struck a deal with the devil. “Make them pay for killing him with their blasted smog and processed cheese,” he told Jansen and Beltman, “and you may do as you wish with him.” And do as they wished, they did. Sweet, docile Rajtetoe was transformed into a nefarious infiltrator capable of eluding laser trip wires and stealing precious data whilst flitting about on silent rotors.
Jansen’s plans for vengeance were nearly complete. Armed with three corpse drones that could be combined to form an invincible Spider-Slayer-esque nightmare carrion cyborg of feather, fur, and fury, Jansen and Beltman would soon be capable of showing the world what happens when you shove someone in a locker one too many times before running over his cat. But a home invasion one night almost proved Jansen’s ruin. An interloper, wishing to steal Beltman’s engineering secrets to bring back to his own government for re-engineering, was able to escape the slower-moving Ostrichcopter on the seat of his getaway Vespa. Thankfully for Jansen (and problematically for the rest of us), a freak manhole explosion sealed the fate of this would-be hero. But it also gave Jansen an idea, a seed of an even more diabolical plan to construct a deathborg that could fly farther and faster than the Rodent Bird Aerial Death Combiner Bot. Then, after viewing Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus the next evening, Jansen found an answer.
Jansen and Beltman were able to successfully bribe a local Dutch aquarium to acquire the body of a young white tip reef shark by promising the aquarium scientists writing credits in a peer-reviewed journal article. However, all Jansen and Beltman had any intention of writing was a recipe for our demise. After months of invoking ancient, arcane knowledge and performing secret atrocities upon the fish victim, Sharkjet was born, and none of us will ever be safe again.
So when will the mad scientist and his unscrupulous partner unleash death upon us? I can only believe that the answer is soon, as Jansen is seemingly capable of finding dead animal after dead animal to desecrate in pursuit of his unholy domination. What does he have in store for the future? If these surveillance photos obtained by the CIA are anything to go by, a Badgersub and a Cowcopter will soon be part of Jansen and Beltman’s cabinet of atrocities.
Truly, we are witnessing the end of days.
Then out of the smoke came locusts upon the earth, and power was given them, as the scorpions of the earth have power. – Revelation 9:3
(h/t Rob Price for Business Insider. Photos VIA)
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
