Shirt Stains: Fucking Eluveitie
From Switzerland with fuck.
We’ve previously talked about band shirts with foul language. It was actually the first Shirt Stains column ever. Time may supposedly heal all wounds, but it has not changed my feelings towards shirts with curse (or “swear” if you prefer) words on them: it’s stupid. To put it in another way that these bands might understand: it’s fucking stupid.
Selling shirts with words like “Fuck,” “Shit,” or “Jizzgoblin Acockalypse” is a surefire way to not make money. Yes, some people will buy them, but plenty will not. Out of those people that do buy a shirt like that, most only wear them to other metal shows where 99% of those in attendance already know the band. There goes potential money and advertising.
Mom and Dad don’t care that you’ll be Captain Edgelord at the mall. Your significant other will question why they’ve stuck around with you for so long when their ex seems to be doing pretty good judging by their Facebook posts. Those people that think metal is full of mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers that only know four-letter words and pizza toppings will be proven right.
All of this brings us to this fucking Eluveitie shirt. The focal point of the shirt isn’t the band’s fucking name. It looks like it was added at the last fucking minute, just barely beating out the word Switzerland. Fucking Switzerland. They’re real fucking proud to be from the same place as Celtic Frost, Knut, and Gotthard. What, no fucking pride for stealing money from people trying to flee the Nazis in World War II? Or how about seizing fucking assets from Syrian refugees? I guess that’ll be on the next fucking shirt.
This shirt is a real fucking Swiss watch. Lots of fucking ingenuity and crea-fucking-tivity. Whoopdy-fucking-doo. “PURE FUCKING FOLK METAL”. Not “IMPURE FUCKING FOLK METAL” or “HALF AND HALF FUCKING FOLK METAL”. This shirt is so pure, just looking at it will fuck your fucking dick up. Wearing this shirt is like a million mediocre fucks happening on your body at the same time. Eluveitie really loves this saying because it’s the only thing in their fucking Twitter and Facebook bios. Was there ever a concern that they weren’t “pure fucking folk metal”? Are they fucking compensating for something? Were they accused of not being pure fucking folk metal? Does Eluveitie suffer from pure fucking folk metal penis envy?
What a shitload of fuck. What a fuckload of shit. What kind of fuck would buy this shirt? I’ll bet they never sold one single…
Fuck.
Fucking figures.
