Shirt Stains: Everybody Shirts Sometimes


Consider this your NSFW warning.

It’s been a short while since we did one of these non-themed, random band Shirt Stains. No need for a intro or preamble. You’d probably skip it anyway. If we’re being honest, I would too. Let’s get right to the shirts!

I wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t tell that this is an Abigail Williams shirt. You may need to crank up the resolution and brightness on your computer to confirm. I take no responsibility for any damage looking at this shirt does to your eyes. By reading this sentence, you agree to not sue Toilet ov Hell and to also provide us with delicious tendies on a monthly basis. Your choice of dipping sauce. Unless it’s Sweet and Sour sauce. You might as well just stir some sugar into a puddle of garbage water. [Editor’s Note: no u]

How much more black could this be? Well, a little more, but you get the point. The dark, almost-black lettering on top of a black shirt was a poor choice. I think that’s a flower on the shirt, but it could just as easily be a piece of popcorn in mid-pop. Thanks to this shirt, we are now all the “old woman looking at a computer” meme.

If Slayer is the #1 band on Shirt Stains, Obituary has to be a close second. Thankfully, this Obituary zip-up hoodie doesn’t contain poor design or an uncomfortable love of Confederate symbols. It’s not even ugly. It’s just…weird. Beyond the Obituary symbol on the chest and what looks like the back, this hoodie has the band members’ autographs. Just…why? Why would you do this? Were there fans clamoring to have the band’s John Hancock’s on their merch? Do they think it’s going to rise in value like their Beanie Babies and Pog collection?

I’m a little disappointed no one in the band thought to have a fun signature. No smiley face from John Tardy? No heart dotting the i for Frank Watkins? If anything, it might have helped prevent forged checks and stolen identities. Missed opportunity, guys. At least we still have their silly music videos.

So this is where that NSFW warning up above comes in. Goratory is a brutal tech death band from Boston. Being weird and sick is their thing. When you have an album entitled Orgasm Induced Diarrhea, there’s no real gray area as to your intentions. I get that. If you’re into gross, perverted songs, then you’d probably like this shirt. You’d wear it to the store and not think twice. You’d wear it to grandma’s funeral and when her casket is being lowered to her final resting spot, you’d squat over the grave and blast a fart. Mom and Dad just don’t get your humor. You and your Troma movie collection are so outta there the minute you get bumped up to assistant night manager at Checkers.

All that being said, gross. I don’t want to know where this came from or who created it. Not for me, probably not for you, and definitely not for like 97% of the world’s population, excluding goregrind bands in Jakarta. Shitty MRA’s probably love it. “Women be pigs, right, bro? Let’s chug some Bud Lite Lime-A-Ritas, watch some American Ninja, play French Kiss Chicken.” Metal fans will often say that they get looks from people because of the band shirt they’re wearing. If you wearing this, you deserve every look you get.

Are you ready to mix it up with Exodus? Everybody’s doing the toxic waltz including this guy committing autosarcophagy. You put enough sriracha on anything it becomes delicious, right Millennials? Too bad we can’t put sriracha on our small, over-priced housing and during over-working at our underpaying jobs. Exodus zombie has it all figured out though. He’s got cheap meals and has his very own buzzsaw sewer hole. He’s ready to break the internet!

Is…is he chewing on he knee? How is he so flexible? Was he on the Olympic Rhythmic gymnastics team? I could see him doing a stumbling ribbon dance routine set to “A Lesson In Violence”. I can’t imagine the knee is the tastiest part of the body. Mostly bone and cartilage, right? You know, he probably filled up on his right arm earlier and just needs a little something before going to bed. Exodus zombie, you’ve got my vote in 2020!

People seem pretty psyched after hearing the band perform new songs during their recent tour. After their last dud (and by ‘dud’ I mean it was the equivalent of the bodily version of napalm), anything even remotely close to what they used to sound like was going to be met with open, gauntlet-covered arms. Probably helps that the band and David Vincent have gone their separate ways. If only they could do the same with this shirt. There manages to be so much going on while still having plenty of space surrounding the design. It’s like one of those brain teasers, except you’ve been hit in the head with a steel chair and the ringing in your ears matches up perfectly with Illud Divinum Insanus. Maybe taking a closer look will help.

No! That’s worse! Much worse! Take it back! Burn it! Drop it in acid! Send it to Hell! Rub it against that furry caterpillar sliding down David Vincent’s chin. I’m not sure what exactly is going on, but everything has an incredibly stupid look on its face. That’s the type of you look you see on WalMart customers at 3 in the morning. That’s the face someone makes when they find a half used cigarette in the street and happily pop it in their mouth. That’s the face of someone that just won a $50 gift certificate to Buffalo Wild Wings. They’ve got a while until they hit “W” for an album title, but now I’m hoping Morbid Angel does a wing-based album. The licks will be extra hot. Hopefully they will make your eyes water so you won’t have to see this shirt anymore. A man can dream.

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