A Very Special BDubs Bro Christmas

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*iPhone alarm playing Steel Panther goes off at 2:45 PM*

*rolls out of bed still wearing Santa basketball shorts*

*changes into formal, afternoon basketball shorts*

*texts daily coal roll meme to dad*

*snacks on cold half-eaten Burger King thing on dresser*

*stretches leg of basketball shorts to face to wipe mouth*

*checks self out in mirror*

broilookrippedbro

HA HA GODDAMN I’M BEEFY, BRO! PURE MUSCLE MASS!

*makes duck face at self in mirror, adjusts junk*

*considers blasting porn to wake up roommates*

*makes mental note to blast porn to roommates later*

*heads downstairs*

*surveys remains of last night’s party*

broitsapartybro

WHAT A FUCKIN’ PARTY, BRO!

*adds empty can to Bud Light tree*

*slams warm Monster Energy from moldy cooler*

*realizes it’s past Noon*

*slams warm Corona from aforementioned cooler*

HA HA GROSS BRO THIS SHIT SUCKS!

*walks to fridge, slams slightly less warm Corona*

CAFFEINE AND BEER IS THE ULTIMATE ENERGY MIX, BRAH! WOOOO!

brocoronabro

*is now ready to start the day*

*considers doing keg stand on own*

*makes mental note to request keg stand assistance later*

*checks Sportscenter, blasts Volbeat from crappy phone speaker*

*commends self for trying some non-American music, adjusts junk*

*has sudden craving for cheap buffalo wings*

HEY BROS I’M HEADING TO BDUBS TO TRY THOSE NEW MOUNTAIN DEW WINGS, BRO! SEE YOU FUCKIN’ TURDS LATER!

*opens garage, looks outside*

browhatsallthisbro

HOLY SHIT BRO HA HA WHO FUCKIN’ CARES I NEED ME SOME BDUBS! BROLO!

*hops in F-150 with LED trucknutz*

*spins tires immediately and fishtails dangerously down neighborhood streets*

*clips several parked cars*

*blasts awful Corey Taylor song*

HELL YEAH LET’S GET DRUNK AT CHRISTMAS BRO!

*pulls up to Buffalo Wild Wings*

*ignores snowed-over parking lines, somehow parks across eight spaces*

*rolls down window to shout at family walking back to car*

WOOOOOO!!! GET SOME, BRO!

*adjusts junk while walking through parking lot*

*walks into womb-like warming glow of Buffalo Wild Wings*

broimherebro

*pushes past hostess, sits beneath largest TV screen*

*orders all manner of shitty food*

*slams Bud Light*

*slams another Bud Light*

*slams several fireball shots and a long island iced tea because why the fuck not*

WOOO! HELL YEAH BRO!

*devours shitty food with ravenous drunken abandon*

brothisshitistastybro

*throws assorted sweaty $20 bills on table before bill arrives*

*makes offhand comment about waitresses’ cleavage to nearby patron*

GO TAP THAT SHIT MY BRO HA HA YEAH, I’M GONNA!

*isn’t gonna*

*walks back to truck, notices worsening weather*

broitsablizzardbro

GODDAMN BRO WHAT THE FUCK HA HA GOOD THING MY TRUCK IS A FUCKIN’ BEAST! I’M GONNA COAL ROLL THE SNOW AWAY!

*attempts to peel out of snowy parking lot, hits several other cars*

*eventually makes way onto empty snow-covered roads*

*is drunk, becomes lost in poorly-paved forested area*

*lodges truck tires in snow drift*

broimstuckbro

AWW FUCK BRO!

*wastes remaining gas by spinning tires for seventeen minutes*

*opens glove box, slams emergency beer*

*begins walking back to main road*

*feels dropping temperatures, realizes poor choice of attire in basketball shorts*

HA HA MY NUTS ARE FREEZING, BRO! I’M ALL LIKE BRRR & SHIT!

*adjusts freezing junk*

brothisiscrazysnowbro

*trudges into woods through worsening snowfall*

*loses direction completely*

*remembers mental note for a keg stand later*

HA HA OH YEAH SWEET BRAH!

*can’t feel extremities, becomes disoriented*

*hypothermia begins to set in*

broitsgettingdarkbro1

*slams final ultra emergency beer stashed in limited edition Cabo Wabo North Face jacket*

*pees initials in snow*

Hhh… h-Ha ha, bRo… HA Ha

*drifts off into hypothermia-induced sleep*

I mm- I maY n-noT EVen gEt My ch-chRIStmAs b-beej, bro… th… that f-fuCKin’ suc-sucks, b-b-brrrooo…

*sun sets, blizzard continues to rage*

broitsgettingdarkbro2

broitsgettingdarkbro3

broitsgettingdarkbro4

black

black

broitsmorningbro

broimfrozenbro

MERRY CHRISTMAS BDUBS BRO!

_ _ _ _ _

(images via via via via via via via via via via via via via)

 

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