Dark Funeral – Nail Them To The Cross: A Video Breakdown


Spooky Ceremony

You remember Dark Funeral, right? Sure you do! They’re that black metal band that isn’t Emperor, Immortal, Darkthrone, or Mayhem. Since they’re Swedish, Dark Funeral wasn’t part of the Norwegian Black Circle Super Cool Best Friends For Life Meeting Of The Midnight Society Squad, but they tend to get lumped in anyway. Who knows, maybe they trade corpsepaint tips and chili recipes. Perhaps we’ll get to see some delicious offerings for their new video “Nail Them To The Cross.” I hope they include cornbread.

0:02: Uh, you’ve got a little something on your…eh, never mind.
0:09: Here’s hoping his mom comes into the shot, spits on a napkin, and wipes his face.
0:15: Awkward Family Photos strikes again.
0:19: Can you speak up a bit? We can’t hear you in the back.
0:26: Judging by the mustache, Dark Funeral’s new vocalist is Burt Reynolds.
0:40: Aw, he spilled his Cranberry juice all over himself!
0:46: Sigh. Always a dude standing in the back, never a dude sitting in the front.
1:02: You need a bath, Mr. Heljarmadr and then it’s straight to bed!
1:13: More like “Dark Motion Sickness.”
1:21: “Dark Funeral High School Football drools!”
1:32: Rise, Lord Vader.
1:43: I’m just mentally replacing the lyrics to this song with Peter Frampton‘s “Baby I Love Your Way”
1:54: “Oh baby I love your way, everyday…”
2:00: Between the black metal stench and the cranberry juice stickiness, it’s a wonder how they’re not covered in ants.
2:13: This dude is made of nothing but spit.
2:22: His crotch must be just a giant puddle by now. Probably the cleanest it’s ever been.
2:31: You just know that one of those guys in the back really needs to scratch his sack the entire time.
2:47: When Dark Funeral makes a video, don’t forget to bring a towel!
2:54: “Wanna tell you I love your way, everyday…”
3:00: Grimgrimgrimgpizzarimgrimgrimgrimpuppiesgrimgrimgrmposiesgrimgrmgrim
3:10: My God, is this guy part-waterfall? It never ends!
3:17: It turns out he is actually missing the top part of his skull and that’s vital brain fluid leaking out.
3:28: So did Dark Funeral leave their instruments at home or…?
3:33: Seriously, they’re just standing there the entire time.
3:42: “ But Marge, that little guy hasn’t done anything yet. Look at him! He’s gonna do something and you know its gonna be good.”
3:50: “Wanna be with you night and day…”
4:00: This video took 8 days to shoot.
4:12: And cost $10 million.
4:18: And required multiple re-shoots.
4:36: There’s moist and then there’s Dark Funeral.

Dark Funeral’s as-of-yet unnamed album is expected to be released in 2015 from the trvest kvltest label ever, Century Media, former home of such extreme bands as Dragonland, Flowing Tears, and Stuck Mojo.

(Photo VIA)

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