Flush It Friday: The Ballad(s) of Guacamole’s Ass


[Editor’s Note: What in the fuck.] You’ve been warned.

Greetings, fellow flushers! Welcome back to Flush it Friday, our weekly Friday aftenoon tradition where we gather around the warm glow of the bowl and vent our frustrations to one another in the common bond of friendship. For those who don’t know how this works, go fuck yourself the general rules are as follows:

THE GOOD: Post something good that happened during your week.

THE BAD: Post something bad that happened during your week.

THE UGLY: Talk about disgusting things.

Got it? Good! Let’s get to it.

THE BAD: Many of you faithful bowl dwellers will have read the most recent This Toilet Tuesday, where I posted a picture of my right buttock. For those who missed my bare ass, take a gander:


The hair barely even distracts from the bruise.


Beautiful, right? That little gem is a product of a collision between my ass and a pole. No, not like that. Jerk. A city light pole. And let me tell you, that motherfucker hurts.

THE UGLY: Let’s look at that again.


That’s my bed. Get it back in your pants, gentlemen.


Fucking ugly.

THE GOOD: Many developments have taken place since the posting of the above photograph. In addition to reaching upwards of twenty upvotes in the comments section (TWENTY!!), the picture went viral, and became an internet sensation in the music community. Since Tuesday, many of the most noted bands in the world have written songs about my butt, including (but not limited to) Foo Fighters, Breaking Benjamin (on their new album, Songs You Can Play on One String), and Lady Gaga.

However, seeing as we’re a metal (or whatever) community, I decided to include songs by artists that you, the reader, will know and love. Hold onto your collective buttocks, and let’s JAM!

First off, the super obscure black metal band, Hyvvinrdtfrountt (from Andorra) were so horrified by how disgusting my ass appeared that they wrote a song comparing the bruise to Satan. At least I think they did – who the hell can understand black metal anyway.


Don’t try looking them up; they’re way too obscure. You filthy fucking casual.


Next up we have the sludge/prog band Extinct Hairy Elephant with their offering to my ass, “The Tale of Guacamole.”


I liked them better before they sold out.


Last (but not lea– okay, least; whatever) is the experimental hip-hop trio, Dutch Blitz with their song “Noided Guacamole.”


After writing the song (their only song) they broke up via napkin.


And there you have it! I’m famous as fuck and you’re a pleb, doomed to obscurity. Maybe that can be your “bad” (like I care). Post what happened to you this week in the comments section, and in closing, here’s my butt:


Okay, I’m sorry for making you jizz all over your work computers.


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