MANOWAR Intern Position Available
Are you unemployed and looking for work? Are you in New York City, or looking to relocate? Are you good at browsing the Internet all day? Do you often find yourself oiling up and vowing to decimate your enemies and bathe in their blood? Are you a leather enthusiast?
If you answered yes to any of the above, we need you now!
MANOWAR are looking for fresh new interns to work in their new complex outside New York City! That’s right, the Kings of Metal need YOU! While MANOWAR are off writing the best poser-killing anthems the world has ever seen, there is a lot of work that needs to be done to support them in their righteous cause! This is where you come in.
We are currently looking to fill 50 “Copyright Infringement Detection” positions. The requirements, expectations, and benefits are as follows:
- Must own all MANOWAR albums
- Must be able to name the difference between at least 10 brands of baby oil, and have experience applying at least 15 brands
- Must own a steel melee weapon (bladed weapons must be no less than 16 inches). NO EXCEPTIONS
- Must be able to belt a falsetto scream at a pitch at or above A5
- Must be single (no dating)
- Hair must be at least 12 inches in length in all directions and taken care of with high quality hair care products
- Must vehemently hate posers
- Attire: Leather armor, jerkins, or animal skin. The more skin exposed, the better. Veteran employees and upper management may also wear steel armor (only steel, no exceptions)
- Employees will be given a Mjolnir pendant, which will track employee locations at all times. Upon employment by MANOWAR, this pendant may not be removed under any circumstances
- All exposed skin must have baby oil applied. Employees will be penalized if caught without glistening skin
- Work 40 hours a week, set own hours (work must be done in office)
- 5 hours a week martial arts training in the use of preferred melee weapon
- 90 days after employment, employees are charged with slaying any posers they know, and must also slay all posers they see on sight using their preferred weapon. Failure to do so will incur punishment, depending upon the circumstances of the failure (unwillingness to slay poser, overpowered by poser, etc.)
- Copyright Infringement Detection employees will spend 40 hours a week browsing the internet, mainly YouTube, for anyone illegally using MANOWAR’S music. This includes, but is not limited to:
- Illegal downloads of songs/albums
- YouTube users uploading MANOWAR songs or albums without MANOWAR’S written consent. Other sites, such as DailyMotion, Worldstar Hip Hop, Vimeo, and other video sharing sites are also expected to be searched
- Online videos of people playing MANOWAR music in the background
- Online videos of people performing solo covers of MANOWAR music
- Online videos of bands performing covers of MANOWAR music without MANOWAR’S express written consent
- Use of the image of any past, present, or future MANOWAR members without their consent
- Use of any MANOWAR materials (artwork, ideas, lyrics, etc.) without MANOWAR’S consent
- Manipulation of any of the above MANOWAR media
- Upon the finding of any copyright infringement, employees must:
- Immediately contact the copyright infringer and let them know they have 1 hour to comply before legal action is taken against them by MANOWAR’s powerful team of lawyers and attorneys
- If no contact information is available, continue to perform the next step
- Submit the URL, contact info (if available), and nature of the copyright infringement to the database using MANOWAR’s proprietary software, MANOSOFT
- MANOSOFT tracks copyright infringement cases and alerts employees as to what actions to take next. Follow whatever instructions are given. Examples of common use cases are:
- DDOS attack using MANOSOFT zombie machines
- Copyright infringement take down request
- DOX copyright infringer, track them down, and slay them for potentially harming MANOWAR profits
- Only veteran employees are allowed to go on poser hunting missions. All expenses for travel, accommodation, and oil are covered.
- Recite the Warrior’s Prayer at desk
- The last approximate hour of every work day will be spent in the great hall of the complex, where employees will listen to one MANOWAR album (collectively voted upon by all employees) in its entirety. Beverages will be provided by MANOWAR.
- Free combat training provided by MANOWAR, or compensated for if employee desires to use approved outside source (exotic weapons only)
- Full health, dental, and vision coverage
- 80 hours PTO per year, growing by 40 hours per year (capping at 240)
- 401k program with 10% salary matching
- Comply with the Federal Family and Military Leave (FMLA)
- Unlimited coffee / snacks
- All future MANOWAR releases given to employees for free before public release
- Monthly concert for employees + 1 guest by MANOWAR
- Monthly fight to the death in MANOWAR Colosseum between lowest performing employees
- Annual chili cook off with MANOWAR as judges
- Casual Friday (employees may wear denim and choose to use war paint instead of baby oil. Skin rule still applies to paint/oil)
Are you excited yet!? Don’t hesitate; these positions will fill up quickly! Send in a cover letter and resume to MANOWAR today, and we will reach out to you if we deem you a warrior worthy of fellowship. Also, you must include your favorite MANOWAR album, song, member (if you say Ross the Boss, you will be submitted to MANOSOFT as a poser and will face lethal consequences), and why you believe MANOWAR is the greatest musical force the planet has ever known.
If you are a true metal warrior, we here at MANOWAR cannot wait to hear from you.