Metal Recipes: Black Metal BBQ Brisket

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Food, it’s what’s for dinner. Black Metal, it’s what your ears are for.

We all know Black Metal kids are tr00 and kvlt and all that, but when it comes to the kitchen, they’re soft. When handed a knife, stabbing band-mates ain’t no thing, but ask them to peel a potato and they’ll conveniently remember that they have a prior engagement with their bullet belt and a bottle of Brasso. The reason I say all this is that this recipe is easy. As easy as falling down the stairs drunk easy. Do not be afraid. ALL you need are things that you can get at the shops. And the best part is that it tastes supremely delicious with little to no effort on your part other than sitting around listening to Black Metal, and we all know that’s no effort at all. Right?

In order to make this article semi-interesting, I decided to highlight some of last years’ Black Metal releases that you may have overlooked due to the fact that there were so many great records put out. This year has been a little slow for quality Black Metal, so let’s take this opportunity to reflect on some of the unsung albums of yesteryear.

While you’re perusing the ingredients list put on some Askeregn. It’ll provide you with enough mental fortitude to leave the house and deal with the strange beings that inhabit grocery stores.

What you need:

2 cups of tomato ketchup

2 cups of water

½ cup of brown sugar

1 small onion, chopped

1 garlic clove, chopped

2 teaspoons Worcestershire Sauce

1 tablespoon red wine vinegar

1 teaspoon Tabasco

1 teaspoon salt

½ teaspoon black pepper

1 beef brisket, about 4 pounds

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You probably already have most of this stuff in your pantry, so you might not even have to leave your basement except to get the meat. You could easily go out to your local farmer’s field to locate, kill and butcher your own animal, but I prefer the additional challenge of finding parking at Costco and waiting in line for two to three hours listening to Panphage.

When you’ve made it back from the shops and/or hunting expedition, the first step is to preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. This is important because as my mother always told me, “Don’t put your head into a cold oven. It’ll take longer to cook”. Wise, my mum.

Now for the fun part where we get to handle sharp instruments. Take out your weapon and remove as much fat from the brisket as possible, unless of course you want to be fat, but you ain’t going to fit in your skinny jeans that way. Then cut the meat into smaller, more manageable chunks so that it can be more easily moved around in the pot. Set the meat aside and then chop up the onion and the garlic.

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Combine the ketchup, water, brown sugar, onion, garlic, Worcestershire, vinegar, Tabasco, salt and pepper in a bowl and stir to blend. Pour half of the sauce into a Dutch oven. Place the brisket in the pan and pour the remaining half of the sauce on top. Cover the pan and put it in the oven for 3 hours. Now sit back, relax and listen to some Nahtrunar. You’ll only need to get up off you arse every hour or so to turn the meat and give the mixture a gentle stir.

After 3 hours, remove the cover from the pan and cook uncovered for another hour to reduce the sauce to the right consistency, i.e. as thick as coagulated blood. Once the meat slices easily, remove from the oven and transfer it to a cutting board. Slice the meat against the grain into 1/2 inch slices and then return the sliced meat to the pan.

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Now all that’s left is to cook up some vegetables to serve it with. I like to serve it with some fried potatoes and steamed broccoli. To make the potatoes, I steam them first for about 10-12 minutes and then fry them in some olive oil with a little salt and pepper.

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Enjoy it with a nice bottle of red and some Fluisteraars!

This recipe serves about 6-8 normal people or 4 Stanleys.

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