Phone Stains: 1-900-Luv-Jeez


Saviors are waiting to hear your prayers. Call now!

Easter is just a few days away. You may have noticed, what with supermarkets trying to cram your face with hams and flavored Peeps or the random people selling flowers and balloons on street corners. For some, it’s an extremely important religious holiday where you put on your best clothes and go to chuch. For others it’s a fun day of egg hunts, dyeing eggs, and stuffing yourself with chocolate eggs. From what I can tell, Jesus was made entirely out of eggs.

When dealing with the world’s most popular religion, questionable products abound. They range from the relatively harmless to the cringe-worthyplease, God, don’t let this be real.” This being Shirt Stains, most might expect a slew of absurdly violent and/or sacrilegious merchandise. I decided to go a different route. Or perhaps it was divine intervention.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall use his image on their band’s cell phone cover. Christian metalcore band For Today loves them some JC. They love him so much that guitarist Mike Reynolds felt the need to go on a homophobic rant in his name on Twitter. The rest of For Today didn’t share his views (or had enough sense to shut up so they don’t ruin their gravy train) and kicked him out following an apology from the lead singer. That’s what happens when you cast the first stone, you hate-filled douchecake.


Trying to cash in on that young, hip, Christ-loving crowd that needs to make phone calls, For Today decided to plaster their lord’s face, complete with crown of thorns, on a phone cover. As if he hasn’t suffered enough for the world’s sins, J-Dawg now has a crappy band’s logo emblazoned on his forehead. Why don’t you just put a “Romans Punch Here” sign on him while you’re at it, For Today? Is the trickle of blood necessary? Do we really need to know that getting a bunch of thorns jammed onto your noggin really hurts?

I find this illustration of Jeezy Creezy an odd choice. I can understand not wanting to go with a Weeping Christ image. A band like For Today doesn’t want to give people the willies. You can’t be moshing at the edge of the pit and Snapchatting the girl you gave a promise ring to if you’re bummed out about God. It’s hard to praise his name while hanging out in the food court at the mall when your phone reminds you that you’re a sinner. Jesus take the wheel and call back in 5, k?

Why not go with a Triumphant Christ? This version that For Today uses looks like he’s going to mug someone at the bus station so he can have enough smack money leftover to buy a slice of pizza at 7 Eleven. If a guy that looks like this says “Excuse me, Sir. Can I just ask you a question for a minute?” you say, “Sorry, can’t help you” and walk quickly to the nearest well-lit area.

Happy Easter to those that celebrate it. Happy Sunday to those that don’t. Just remember: All that candy will be marked down on Monday.

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