Shirt Stains: Shadows Lol


The real Destroyer Of Senses.

A few months back, we asked you, our loyal readers, to post your own Shirt Stains-worthy band shirts. Many a lol was had at our own expense. If you can’t laugh at yourself, then you can’t laugh at others, right? Well, it’s time to laugh at myself for being in possession of this awful, terrible, no-good, very bad Shadows Fall long-sleeve shirt.

I say “in possession” because I don’t want to claim ownership. Technically, I didn’t buy this shirt nor did I exchange money for it. I also don’t want to be legally responsible for any harm that comes to people who look at it. I assume no responsibility and may God have mercy on your soul. And yes, I know, it’s wrinklier than Bernie Sanders’s balls in an Arizona heatwave.


A few years back, in an effort to reduce clutter and make a few Sacajewas, I ran a table at a hipster flea market. Mostly moldy old records and cds and dvds I didn’t want anymore. There was a guy at the flea market selling a bunch of metal shirts. I took a look at what he had and went back to my table, thinking if anything was left at the end of the day, I would consider buying something. In return, this guy came over to my table to see if there were any cds he wanted. We were just shooting the shit and he brought up the prospect of trading. I said something along the lines of “Yeah, maybe. I saw you had some decent stuff like Shadows Fall, Suffocation, etc.” Apparently “Yeah, maybe” meant “You’re getting the smallpox infected blankets of the metal world” because at the end of the day, he handed me this shirt and took a cd without any discussion.

I think that’s the only way the curse of this shirt can be transferred. You cannot force the curse onto an unsuspecting soul. They must accept it of their own free will. This was forged in the fires of Lolbuttz Mountain and blessed by many malandros. Martin Skreli was born wearing this shirt. Hellyeah wants to collaborate with this shirt. Bros say “Sweet tats!” when they see the strange sleeve designs on this shirt. Do those swirly pseudo-designs need to be there? Not even if it is “what drives the weak”. Shadows Fall just loves their swirlies so much they just had to have it on the front design as well. It’s kind of stupid, but is it worth being in Shirt Stains? Take a look at the back.


Who? What? When? Where? Why? Who is that supposed to be? What exactly is going on? When did someone think this was a good design? Where was the quality control? Why is this a thing?! Is that a man? A woman? A Ted Cruz? Look at the expression on its face. Never has the word “Bruh” ever been so perfectly illustrated. Is this person dead? Sleeping? Hungry? Stuffed with pizza rolls and carrot cake? Are they in diabetic shock? Where’s your epi pen?! Where are those hands coming from? Do they belong to anyone? Did the artist get whacked in the eyes with Brian Fair‘s dreads and have to stop? I understand that it is entirely possible that this design comes from some very famous artwork. It doesn’t matter.

This shirt is a dildo sandwich. This shirt touches bras in department stores. This shirt is pineapple vape juice. This shirt is a norovirus-infected Chipolte burrito. This shirt gets its news from BroBible. This shirt fights kids to get a foul ball at a Single-A minor league baseball game. This shirt is starting a new band called Bong Goat.

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