Riff Of The Week: 1,2,3 Edition


Which riff will be crowned the Toilet’s Incontinental Champion?

Last week we had our first quarter giveaway round and the final results were tighter than dick skin. Despite some shenanigans when we removed the spammer bullshit and looked at the individual votes it came down to just a single vote splitting the top 3 entries. Congratulations to Richter for somehow topping Power Trip with a Portuguese black metal riff from Viles Vitae. Guessing either some occult sect linked the post to some dank dark-web version of reddit, or a bunch of you share his insatiable thirst for the wretched and voted accordingly. Either way, stay on the line and we’ll sort out your prize (*).

This week we asked for riffs from the first minute of the second song from a band’s third album, and while this basic-ass theme had some of you scoffing when it was announced, I felt entirely validated when we had 5 submissions arrive before the day was even out. This fact alone kept me alive for another week, merely on the promise that I’d get to turn up here today and needlessly gloat casually mention that it was a worthy theme idea. There are a fair few submissions to get through (one riff even turned up twice), so head on through and check them out. Don’t forget to use the promo code FLANGE when voting to get a 15% discount on your next bone decalcification.

Positronic Brain

Metallica – “Master Of Puppets”

I’m not gonna even try to pick anything kvlt or vndergrovnd. Metallica’s first four full-lengths are better than just about anything to come out since in ANY metal sub-genre. You know it, I know it. Hell, there’s actually THREE killer, memorable riffs within the first minute of “Master of Puppets,” but I’m talking about the verse riff which starts at 0:52. It’s catchy, it’s thrashy (palm-muted downstrokes at 212 bpm ain’t no joke, son), it even has a bar of 11/16 in it. It’s what every thrash band wishes they could write, and if at least two other people don’t also submit it, I’ll…I’ll…be a little surprised, I guess.


Mastodon – “Crystal Skull”

This is probably my favorite 1st minute of the 2nd song from a band’s 3rd full-length album ever. And even though Mastodon is for total nerds, I still find myself coming back to this song when I want to grimace and stomp around. This song has been on my gym playlist so consistently, that it’s a wonder I haven’t sprouted a neckbeard, begun collecting katanas, and m’lady’d my spouse into a marital annulment. Riffz start @ >00:12, and enter a tetanized state for the duration of the 1st minute. Let the Mastodong e x p a n d you.

Ted Nu-Djent

I’ve listened to nothing but Mastodon this week so you get this. Many years after the first month of release of Blood Mountain, I have not forgotten about it. 12 seconds in. Cheers


Annihilator – “No Zone”

I think I need to bring my fellow Canucks back into the fray after a solid layoff. Lemme grab some stubby brews and tear the sleeves off my jean jacket.  Your SPEED riff kicks in at 0:15.  I would highly recommend listening past the one minute mark.  Ees reel gud.

Lone Biker Of The Apocalypse

Sacred Reich – “The American Way”

3…2…1…Go!  As far as a riff from 1 minute of the 2nd song from a 3rd album, you could do worse than go with Arizona’s Sacred Reich.  The name of the song could describe the actual riff included within, it was covered a few years ago by Kataklysm, who, (regardless of your actual preference for the band) have been known to bring the riff, and the video for the song was featured in the cinematic achievement known as Encino Man.  Enjoy – riff starts at the 0:09 mark.


Mendozza – “Illuminairus”

‘Illuminairus’ leads right off with a mighty riff (timestamp: 0:00).

It’s not on YouTube in its recorded form, but thankfully there’s a live 2011 version from Logans (a gig I was at, not at all by coincidence) that more than demonstrates its weight.

Hans Copronym Müller

Iniquity – “The Bullet’s Breath”

After considering some other options, I was happy to find that this song qualified. As a young’un, before I knew what Tech Death even was, I came across a hilaaaarious video called Growl Karaoke which used this track. I felt compelled to get a hold of the album, which wasn’t as easy back then. Don’t like Tech Death much these days, but always had a big soft spot for these guys and this album in particular. Getting to the point, if the riff starting at 0:09 doesn’t tickle you in some way, you might as well do like the protagonist and paint the walls with your brain matter, cuz you already ded son.

Howard Dean

Manilla Road – “Necropolis”

This decision almost broke me. After a grueling sixteen hours of deliberation, I decided to choose the opening riff from Manilla Road’s “Necropolis” over the main riff of Liege Lord’s “Eye of the Storm.” Here’s some advice: 1) Listen to my riff; 2) Vote for my riff; 3) Spend your day listening to Crystal Logic on repeat; 4) Cry tears of joy; 5) ???; 6) Profit. Riff starts right at 0:00.

Scott Towel

Fyrnask – “Draugr”

After a brooding tremolo build-up, a monstrous fiery riff erupts, burning everything that stands in its way (including the listener, of course). Seriously, I feel that I should warn you because this riff is aggressive as fuk. And keep in mind that this is only one dude who did everything on the record! Must’ve taken him lots of kvlt candles to come up with this… Anyway, riff @0:33.

Freedom Jew

Def Leppard – “Photograph”

1st minute, 2nd song (“Photograph”), 3rd album (“Pyromania”).  This was “Smoke on the Water” for the hair metal generation.  Timestamp is like 0:04 in.


Earthless – “Uluru Rock”

The day Black Sabbath went in to record their debut album, Ozzy was nowhere to be found.  Standing in the studio, unable to reach their vocalist, Tony looked at Bill and Geezer and said, “Well, we could pack it all up now, or since we’ve already paid for the studio time, we could just hit record and crank out a sick jam sesh.”  He was answered with a crashing of cymbals and a bluesy wandering bass lick, to which he promptly responded with a soaring, drug induced guitar line.  And thus, “From the Ages” by Earthless came into being. Or at least, that’s how I like to picture it in my head.  Mash that play button at 0:50 for the riffage. (Just squeaked it in!)

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Next week we’re getting anatomical, by that I mean your riff must come from a song that mentions a body part in its title. This can be internal or external, as long as it’s part of the human body. Why only humans, you ask? Because humans are the most important animal, according to humans, and as humans are the most important animal, this must be true. Send your entries to toiletovhellriff@gmail.com with a link to the track, your screen-name, and a short description which includes a time-stamp of when the riff begins.

(* = calls cost $36/minute)

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