Riff Of The Week: Primal Edition


This week’s competition is brought to you by Prehistory™ – “History’s History!”.

Before we paint the cave walls with that natural brown ochre littering the floor that smells suspiciously like butt puke, let’s tally-ho ol’ boy and take a look at whot’s all this then eh chums from last week’s British Edition.










As expected, it came down to Bolt Thrower, Carcass, and Napalm Death. And since nobody submitted Carcass or Napalm Death, Bolt Thrower won RotW for a record 439th time. Even Karl Willetts tweeted his surprise at the results. Not because they won yet again, but rather that they won with one of their lesser riffs. Sounds like if you really have no other options left but to submit Bolt Thrower, you’d better be coming in with something a bit more formidable to make King Karl proud.

This week we asked for riffs that make you feel like a goddamn caveman, and no-one submitted any ignant hardcore or stooped to some slack-snared slam. Congratulations! I’m predicting things to get real dumb in here anyway, which is perfect really, because it’s the weekend. This is the time of week that exists solely to for us revert back to our primitive state. So take your pants off, start a fire in your living room, get yourself a drink of something brown-coloured (SRM26+/EBC50+ minimum), gnaw on the festering carcass of the nearest vertebrate, and ignore all your modern responsibilities for the rest of the day…it’s time to grunt a lot and scratch ourselves where it feels real good – the tympanic membrane. Don’t forget if you use the PROMO CODE SMOCK when starting your free 14 second trial with today’s sponsors at Incestry.com you’ll get a free estrangement from a distant relative of your choice.


Leviathan – “Dawn Vibration”


Positronic Brain

Sepultura – “Roots Bloody Roots”

Because Max Cavalera IS a fucking caveman. His preferred style of hyper-simplistic head-nodding groove metal, his questionable hygiene, and his insistence on usually just shouting a few words over and over in the choruses of songs all scream “NOT FULLY DEVELOPED.” Don’t let 2017’s again-thrashy, trve Max fool you; he still considers Roots his apex, and (speaking from experience having played this song in a nu metal cover band) all it takes is blasting out the intro riff (0:14) in front of a crowd of sweaty metalheads to see why: it awakens primal urges to bang your head, to bellow “ROOOOOOTS, BLOODY ROOOOOTS,” and, yes, to jump da fuck up.


Conan – “Crown Of Thorns”

While Conan would have qualified last week, they are perhaps even more apt for this week’s theme. Because Conan get you, man. Conan know that underneath that suit of yours, the caveman lurks. They might acknowledge our advancement as a species with groovy and mighty riffs more sophisiticated than this one, but they also know that all sophistication will go right out the window at the push of a button. They know that if need be, you will not hesitate to repeatedly smash your neighbour’s head in with whatever blunt object is close at hand. Conan know how closely you resemble your ancestors. They don’t judge you though; those primal instincts survived for a reason, and Conan pay tribute to them at 7:36. It doesn’t get more primitve than this. Give in to the caveman.


Cannibal Corpse – “Scourge Of Iron”

When I think of cavemen I think of George Fisher’s neck. The mindless, primitive, repeating riff on this song (0:00 – :45 without vocals) is the perfect background music for dragging home a freshly killed saber tooth, throwing it on the spit and dancing around an open fire pit exclaiming in unintelligible grunts the celebration of a hard day’s work to feed his 25 Neanderthal kids and less than desirable wife.

Ted Nu-Djent

Impaled Nazarene – “Armageddon Death Squad”

It starts off with the bass Riff and by the time Mika comes in with “RIGHT, NOW FUCK OFF!” the riff kicks in and my usually mild mannered self becomes a maniacal idiot with an urge to cause wanton damage to public properties, kick puppies and punch babies. I’ve also banned myself from driving while listening to this song. You’ve been warned.

Doc Turlov

Carnivore – “Predator”

Submitted for your approval, dear toileteers, is this snippet from one of metal’s oft-forgotten gems.  A gem indeed unearthed from the C.H.U.D.-esque landscape created by Brooklyn’s thermonuclear warriors, Carnivore.  Both full length albums, 1985’s self-titled debut and its 1987 follow-up “Retaliation” are stuffed chock full of hooks and riffs but let’s focus on the opener of the eponymous disc.  After the opening riff of “Predator” riff sends you to the surface for harvest of meat, the focal crushing beastriff at 2:14 brings you back to your post-apocalyptic hole with human carrion in tow.  Hack, roast, and nosh.


Rippikoulu – “Kadonneet Jumalat”

After reading Dubs’ post about Obscura‘s altered album speed yesterday I remembered jamming Rippikoulu’s 1993 behemoth Musta Seremonia at 1.5x speed once not too long ago to great effect. However, the Finnish classic needs no such alteration to fit this theme. Listening to this album is akin to unearthing a complete skeleton of some prehistoric sauropod, each colossal riff a bone in the monolithic structure, relics of a by-gone era where rampant gigantism remained unchecked and was yet to be curtailed by evolutionary pressures. Hit play at 0:42 and let the clomping hooves cave your chest in.

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Next week we’re going into spaaaaaaaaace. Send me riffs that fit the theme of space in some way. Email your entries to toiletovhellriff@gmail.com including your screen-name, a time-stamp of the riff and a short description by Friday. 

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